Words

[Matilda2]

I asked my local domestic violence agency: what is the word for what happened in my family? Incest is incest. Beatings are beatings. Verbal abuse is verbal abuse.

But how do I describe the tiny smirks and rolling eyes and humiliating tones. The joke that was "accidently" just slightly too harsh. Just "accidently" at the sore spot. The fact that son is brought 5 minutes late when we have to get a time-limited train abroad. Without call. The stories to family that are just slightly twisted. So that I seem the bad guy. The remark at the end of a talk, with a doc, that gives notice that I have a big fat problem now. Because I talked. But in such a way that the doc thinks it's innocent. And only I know the context.

The domestic violence agency says: there is no word.

This is worse for me than incest. And it doesnt have a word. To let people know what happened. What is the word? How is this called? 

[Desert Flower]

Hi Matilda, I'm no expert but maybe the word you're looking for is manipulation or gaslighting? Making you feel like you're the one who's crazy, when in fact you're not. But it sounds strange to me that the domestic violence agency would not know that.

[Matilda2]

Thanks. I think these are the words I'm going to use. I also thought it strange. My colleague is in a similar situation with her ex-husband. And she also says our language lacks good words. Gaslighting doesn't even have a translation for us. And all the institutions here are clueless. They think abuse is a black eye or a rape. When the above can be equally bad. But totally off the radar. They also expect a lady to speak calmly and rationally about abuse like that. When that is just totally not how it works.