Soothing myself while speaking up

[Matilda3]

It also needs a really strong core to see your child shatter to pieces in psychosis, and be in deep terror, and know it is partly from fear of you. Or to know your young child was sexually abused by someone you left them alone with. After which you rejected them for being scared.

If my son would get psychotic now, I would know that I contributed with my choices, and this would be the worst pain and shame. I would either need to block it out and pretend it wasn't me. Or feel absolutely horrible about myself, even more than I do now.

I need to forgive dad. He simply cannot cope.

I just called him up and told him I forgave him, and wanted to make the best of things together. And even this made him angry.

I need to give him a break. He cannot do better than he does now. He needs to pretend he's perfect or the shame is too big.

As I cannot always think of the horrible things I did, because I'm shattering when I do.