Soothing myself while speaking up

[Matilda2]

I spent all day just feeling bad and not acting on it. I'm proud over the latter.

I read somewhere we should be joyful for trials, because God teaches us perseverance through them.

I think after losing my childhood, mental health, physical health, nearly dying a few times, the care for my kid, my family, several dear friends to death or in a worse trauma period, my home, my money, my job, my partner and his beloved daughter, my dreams, my reputation, some of these many times...and struggling with guilt, shame, terror, catatonic psychosis, and anger...

I have learned the lesson I should not fall for handsome sociopaths. Because there's more important things than looks and smarts and charming words. I shouldn't lose my temper when bullied. I should take better care of myself to care for kid. I should not give up when something bad happens. Etc.

Now I am a slight bit fed up with learning perseverance. Can we stop now?

[Armee]

I was assigned this as reading tonight for a sociology class and I immediately thought of your situation with CPS Matilda. https://www.thefriendshipcenter.org/post/the-myth-of-mutual-domestic-violence

[Matilda2]

Thank you. That is brilliant. I might even use it to send to CPS and systems therapist. To give words to our sitaution. There's three organisations. One frames it as "dad is perfect, mum is ibstable". One says "there is a mutual cycle". One says: "there is a cycle but we are clueless where it started".

I will also hear today of the narcissistic abuse agency.

[Matilda2]

I finally send a mail to the systems therapist + CPS.

I did not write much. I just said that I had trust in them and wished to start therapy for me and kid quickly. But I ask for a pause before starting systems therapy with granddad. I said I begged for systems therapy for a decade. But at this point I first need a safe space to talk about what really happened at home. Without fear of retaliation by granddad towards me or kid. That I did not dare do that before. And important things were not mentioned. That the story is different than it looks now. And they see a different granddad than I see at home. I said I'm interested in systems therapy. But I want first to discuss whether this is safely possible.

Or something like that. 

[Matilda2]

I do think I also had a big role. There were moments I saw dad soften. And I could not accept. Because I was angry still. And he never explicitly said: ey, sorry, I will change. But rather secretly changed subtle things. And said the past never happened. It had always been like that. Please forget the past en be merry. (Dad, this little thingie with you blaming me for incest, scapegoating me for decades, driving me insane, isolating me from the complete family and taking my kid away, until I literally nearly suicided myself, and kid literally did not have a healthy mum for years...might possibly need some talking?).

I understand him though...there was a time I was changing real hard...but had no words...could not speak...was also angry and ashamed. So I get it. But at this point I need him to apologise and set things straight. Not simply stop abusing us. That doesn't give me back my mind, my kid, my family, my trust in him. Nor kid a safe childhood.

[Matilda3]

I am sorry for shouting out my pain and anger and grief. And swearing in the process. It is near unbearable. Especially that I fought so hard to free kid from my sociopath ex - who was a lot worse. Until I was broken. Then was caught by my parents - who are more caring and subtle. But still not healthy.

I think my father has some vengeful traits. But has the idea that he genuinely does good for kid. Most of it is not malignant. His methods are very calculated and manipulative. But he is also scared and in pain and fighting for kid.

I found a good lawyer specialized in psychological abuse and alienation. Even then I likely cannot win. But I decided I have a right to fight for my kid. If dad cannot handle that, while he nearly fought me to death, that is his problem. I will ask the lawyer for advice though. It may be better for kid to take the Solomon's judgement route: let the other party have him, or he will be torn to pieces.

I will try forgive. What dad did was the worst I've suffered in all my life. Much worse than incest. By far. He deeply harmed my kid. But I also gave reason. Amd harmed kid.  By not understanding his fathers and grandfathers games earlier. And by panicking.  I carry part of the blame. We brought out the worst in each other. Rather than cooperate. He had all the power. So it wasn't equal. But I knew what to do and didn't.

I read a story from Corrie ten Boom. It said if you do not forgive, you draw the cord of a bell. Each ding dong of the bell going back and forth is your hurt. If you let go, you start to heal. But the ding dong...the pain...will continu for a while. Before it stops.

I need to focus on the future and what is still possible there. I just have to. I hope the lawyer has good advice. I think forgiving changes the tone you speak with. So others hear you more.

Today I had my period and I'm home bound. Tomorrow a friend will be baptized. I need to cling to my faith. And forgive. Even if I can still stand up for us. That works together. The more I have forgiven, the more adequate my actions. Because it means I see reality and act by a calm desire to stand up for what is best.

[Matilda3]

I did good stuff too in between freaking out.

I connected to friends. I worked. I was given a new bed for me and kid for free!!! I shopped for basics. 

[Matilda3]

I mailed the systems therapist some things and feel very guilty.

[Matilda3]

I keep thinking I saw it wrong. There was so much good in my family too.

And one of the reasons my sociopath ex picked me for, was being full of joyful
naive trust and wanting to heal him. This was also because of the good things my parents gave me. The care there also was.

They have narcissistic patterns of communication. Like triangulation or gaslighting. Which just terrifies me since I had my ex.

But they had a kind and loving and warm side too. A genuine one. Not fake.

[NarcKiddo]

I feel for you as you struggle with this. You are trying so hard for your child. I do hope for the sake of you and your child that you can find a good outcome. Thinking of you.

 

[Matilda3]

Thanks.

The agency and all lawyers specialized in this cannot help. They are fully booked.

The systems therapist seems to listen. I hope that helps.

[Matilda3]

I got a slap on the wrist from CPS to "think of the interest of my child". Me fighting to get him back, is interpreted as causing him unrest and not acting in his interest. They are always said to do this. This basically leaves you defenseless. If you argue against their report, you are said to harm your child, and this is used to take him away. And if you do not argue, you lose him too. They already decided years ago that they wanted to push this through. And all their research is utterly flawed. They only spoke to dad and his minions. What kind of research is that?

They never even looked at my care for him. Never. They blamed me for a billion things. That they heard from dad. And never checked. They didn't even come look at me and kid once. CPS is involved now for half a year. And never saw kid and me together. Or spoke to anyone who did. Not once.

[Matilda3]

It's also...just totally unfair. Dad fought strategically for years. He hired a lawyer years ago. Always acted strategically. Weights every word. Calculatedly influences kid and family. Hides his problems.

I am honest. I never wanted to strategically fight my dad. So I never thought of hiring a lawyer or collecting evidence or hiding my flaws. I asked help everywhere and spoke of my problems openly. Now I just told them I disagree with the report. And want to ask advice from my lawyer before I respond. I am slapped on the wrist for fighting at the cost of kid. When I just want the full story heard. And genuine advice given by a lawyer who knows what they are talking about. Whether to fight or let it be.

CPS is known for this. But it still feels so unfair. The most manipulative party wins in family court. Everyone knows this.

[Matilda3]

I feel sad.

My trauma hurt me. I lost so many things dear to me. It also hurt others around me. I hate how I just cannot love people around me in the way I'd like to. The fear and grief they had over me. If I had been capable of recovering better, I'd been able to give them so much more.

The uncle who sexually abused me as a young child...he wrecked so much. I was so innocent, and he created a lifetime of hurt for me. And if I had recovered better...I would have healed...and the people around me would have healed.

[Matilda3]

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=4H1VgkyFo1g

This is what I recognise in dad. It also explains the difference with malignant narcissism. I think dad is most extremely avoidant in his attachment, and so deeply ashamed about what he did, that he cannot allow for empathy or selfreflection.