Soothing myself while speaking up

[Matilda2]

Thank you.

I'm lying awake. I hate myself. I should have cared for kid better. And if I hadn't expressed my pain, dad would not have had anything to use against me, for I have no fights with people outside the family and all will happily report that for me.

[Matilda2]

I have a lot of emotional pain because of the situation. But when kid is here, things are rather quiet and peaceful. I seem to often be able to switch to a positive part of me, when around kids and my kid in particular. On a day like yesterday I show sadness. But I'm not running through my house screaming and yelling. Or whatever. I don't think I ever raised my voice at him. If I'm a little irritated I say sorry.

My family portrays me as extremely fearful, instable, incompetent, etc etc around my kid. CPS-like organisations take this for fact. Without checking. They never even once looked for themselves. I have asked them to put in home video training in my home. And judge the real situation and give real feedback. They don't. I need a way to prove how we have it here.

I asked kid very short questions for a year...a grade and whether he thought it was calm and fun here. After every visit. He was always positive, with the exception of a two-three times when there was a fight with dad, when he gave a 5 or so. Our holidays together he gave a 9.4 and an 8. Which seems good for a teen. (10-point scale, 1 is lowest, 10 is highest). I asked on text. Dad startled when he learned this. It torpedoed a plan he had. Apparently. Quickly after this kid didn't want to continu. I do think kid may also report as he wants me to hear. But still.

Now kid doesn't want this because he finds it stupid. Which it is. I do have a friend who went on a holiday with us. And wrote a good report. And my neighbours who often see us together for coffee. Who wrote a good report.

I want to BE a good mum to kid. But I also need to PROVE that I am good to him. Organisations are easily scared with gossip. Especially since I'm the one with the CPTSD label. I am fine looking at my real flaws. But I don't want gossip to rule the reports.

Any non-invasive ideas?   

[Matilda2]

I want to be strong for kid. But the pain is so deep. Uncle, mum and dad took my childhood. My physical and emotional health. My family. My kid. And all the dreams I had for us. And I helped dad with that. Because I could not contain my emotional pain over what happened to my kid. And he raised my kid in a way that makes him withdraw. I see him develop tiny habits that make me worried. And nobody hears me, because he doesn't act out.

It may not seem like it. But I'm quite strong. I shrug if someone sexually abuses me or threatens me nowadays. I stay calm. The situation with dad is worse. That they pulled my own child into their scapegoating dynamics...and alienate him from me...and from himself...and raise him with their values...dad teaches him to lie and commit fraud with taxes as an example...and destabilise me, so that I cannot be the mum I want to be...

I refrained from doing anything today. I'm sitting on my hands to prevent them from typing angry stuff to everyone.

But I've seen this in process for years and years...like seeing a car crash in slow-motion...and I'm not capable of steering it in another way. I do not know where to find the strength to contain this pain. And still be there for my child. Every single person in the CPS system I ask for help, makes it worse. They are known for doing this. People actually flee our country for our CPS system...and other European counrties like Poland do not sent such refugees back to my country,because they describe our CPS as barbarian.

They told me "maybe I was a more vulnerable child than my brothers". Well no. You idiots. My one brother has depression and suicidal feelings, and said "he had nobody to love". The other built a life around fashion, career, design furniture and the like. And attacks his sis. Verbally and physically. Doesn't sound like a loving family. Does it now? And if you sexually, physically and emotionally abuse one kid...and tell the other kids to "never be like their sister"...that kind of leaves a "funny" dynamic. Where one kid crashes and thinks she is worthless, and the others think they are perfect.

I see my dad is utterly emotionally incompetent. If your child admits to incest and you tell them she had a "bad personality for not daring to visit anymore". Or it "is not logical to talk to her, because she already talked to her mum"...or your grandchild tells you he's scared of you and you keep him awake and tell him he saddened you until he is despairingly crying he is sorry and wishing to sleep...or you bully his mum until she begs you to stop, because you make her suicidal...and you say: no I will not do what you want. Or your grandchild says he wants to die because of what it's like there, and you blame his mum for telling him - which I never did, he said it himself. You are a * sicko. It may seem small. But it's thousands and thousands stabs like this. That destroy all our bonds in the complete family. He drives us apart. All of us. From ourselves and each other. I wish he'd rape me. I really wish he did. That would - maybe - show them what happens. All these tiny little bits erode all of us. And I can never explain.

Everyone judges me for being in pain and fear over this. But what kind of a mum would I be. If I shrugged and thought: sure, fine, no problem. I should have picked up my baby and left abroad, left all of them, when kid was a newborn. And I was still stronger.

I've * told maybe 200 professionals by now. And none of them did a thing. Except for a midwife, psychiatrist and psychologist who testified against my ex, I must say. But the rest? Zero. Psychiatry even tried to persuade me incest did not happen and was in my head. AFTER uncle admitted it in writing to the complete family. And they ALL confirmed my story. Police refused to take my report of PROVEN kidnapping threats by a foreign man with PROVEN detailed plans. And PROVEN access to a gun. My family stole my diaries and kid's passport and they assumed I made a false report.

Do these professionals follow a "how to drive someone crazy in 5 quick steps"-manual? Seems like it.

Many sorry's for ranting. I just have no way to express my pain. I need to contain in it my real life. But I see my child withdraw and mask to everyone...in a way that worries me deeply...and I wish he'd beat kids up or scream...because that would signal to them there's a problem. Now they all say: no no no, he's fine.

[Matilda2]

And I want my family to see it. They are all super content with themselves. They don't give a *. About anyone really. Except my depressed brother, and he's sucked into the family. If I contact him, he calls dad immediately. And dad keeps kid away.

If I see a homeless person I cannot help, and hurt over him, dad shrugs and says: not my problem. Don't know him.
If I see a father mourn his child who died over a medical failure, and hurt over him, dad shrugs, says: not my problem. Don't know him.
If my elderly friend dies, and I mourn, dad shrugs and says: stop crying, it doesn't help. 
If people in my area struggle to buy food, or are overweight, or mentally disabled, dad shrugs: hahaha look how poor/dumb/crazy/fat.
If I worry over a little girl I knew, whom I wondered was abused, my family says: not your problem.
If I read about kids in Congo mines making our phones, I hurt over them, and dad says: haha at least they have a job.

I know he is hurt. I know. I wish I could dig up his feelings. Somehow. But do they not see? Do they not care?

I know dad isn't a psychopath. I know he has feelings deep down. But he built a fortress of walls around them. I do not think that is good for kid. Also, I feel alone. Because I'm feeling everything for all of us. And I cannot carry that alone. It's too much. I want my family to stop focusing on fancy holiday trips and pretty designer clothing. And hold me and kid. Comfort us. Cherish us. I want us to be kind and sweet to each other. Not as a mask. But genuinely. That's what helps the pain.

I also want to return that. But it just doesn't land. I send my dad a sweet card. And hear nothing. I offer to help him do groceries when I'm there and he's working hard. He get irritated. I put a hand on his when he is in hospital. I feel him freeze. He cannot accept my comfort either. And he has this circle of people around him....who all think they are very loving by denying his issues and telling him to be harder and colder. And they do not see they are hurting us all. Dad too.

[Matilda2]

I want to share a story that broke my heart.

A little girl was severely abused at home. She was placed in a foster family. CPS does horrid screening. So the foster family was more abusive than her original family. The girl again was heavily abused. She was so brave. And spoke up to everyone. To CPS. To people around the family. And at a certain point she was found over and over approaching random strangers on the streets. Telling them she was abused. Please help. The people innocently brought her to CPS... thinking they'd help. And old these monsters did, was return her to the abusive family.

Until the girl was beaten into a coma. And her life was in danger. I think she came out the other way, but disabled, not sure. Then it was allover the news. And the only thing the CPS monsters did. Was come up with a billion excuses for why they didn't help. I know many stories like these. CPS is known for it.

They dont care about a little girl nearly beaten to death. They didn't care when my ex threatened to kidnap my kid and murder me and spoke of a gun. And when they drove me to insanity. They won't care about subtle family scapegoating/parental alienation mind games. No chance.

I think I have to accept the fact that I have the time I have with my kid. And grow as strong as I possibly can. And be there in the time I have. And ignore all the little stabs and tricks and gossips. It's unimportant. I need to be there for my kid. Maybe dad will turn. Maybe not. It's his problem.

[Matilda2]

I have the same experience with others. My neighbours verbally abused their baby. I think it stopped now. Thank God. But I spoke to them myself. And also called CPS several times. They did nothing.

A lady I know has an alcoholic neighbour. She hears her scream and hurt her child. The boy doesn't seem to get much love. She calls CPS often. They do nothing. Last year I spoke to the boy and he seemed emotionally open still. Very sweet. Yesterday I saw him, and he seemed very withdrawn and shielded.

A man I knew said he was a psychopath. His daughter had emotional problems. She was even suicidal. It was blamed on giftedness. I had a bad feeling. I called CPS three times. They did nothing. One said they were happy he knew he was a psychopath. I think of contacting her mum. I found her on social media now. But I don't know how. It's too long ago. I feel guilty often. 

My ex had two more children. I made a police report of sexual abuse and kidnapping/femicide treaths. Nobody thought of maybe monitoring him. He is not allowed to see his child. And now has two younger ones.

I noticed a little girl at work got scared at the toilet. I suspected abuse. I as a volunteer had to urge my professional colleagues to do something with it. They suspected female genital mutilation. Parents were avoidant. Only because I mentioned it, they picked it up again. They say 40% of mentally disabled girls are sexually abused, because they are such easy targets. Hard to ask for help, if you can't speak. Another girl at work always touches her and others genitals and complains of stomach aches with gestures. Nobody thinks that is weird. A boy comes back with cigarette burns and cuts. He is non-verbal. Nobody takes him away from his parents.

When I was a child, my aunt died and left four young children. My uncle was abusive. Everybody knew. Nobody did a thing. My aunt and uncle helped the girls when they were adult and very broken. But nobody ever...it was just accepted as a fact that he abused them. The boy stole. The girl wet her bed at 13. The other girl as a toddler clung to our family if she was sent back to her dad, crying, not letting go. My whole family did not interfere. 

I feel these kind of things are just totally off the radar of CPS. I cannot take care of my child as I wish. I really wish I could be a better mum. I do not know how. I asked for help from the moment I was pregnant. For protection of abuse. CPS only ever made things worse. I hurt over my own child and children like the above. I just feel so frustrated and angry over the complete lack of care in society. And I want my family to see and hear. So that at least I'm not so alone, and we can make our own little family better.

I have suicidal thoughts at the moment. I will not do it. But I just see all this...and I feel like nobody hears me...and I cannot even protect my own child. Or reach my own dad and brothers. Let alone others.

[Matilda2]

OK. I am proud of myself. I connected to an agency that has experience in divorce and narcissism. I don't think it's going to help. But I'll try.

I just hate myself. I tried so many times in kind and calm ways - off the record. Dad would respond horridly cold - off the record. Upon which he hung up. And I yelled on text: stop abusing us, you are harming us all, stop daddy, please stop hurting us, stop. And he'd be very correct and surprised on text: why do you act so mean? And tell everyone I was instable.

Or he'd literally drive me to near suicide with sabotage. Until I begged him: please daddy, please, for kid, stop and seek help together. He'd respond: no, I will not do what YOU want. Then he'd sit playing the caring dad at CPS, telling them how worried he was that I'd commit suicide, and that this caused instability to kid.

Or he'd tell lies to brother, brother would tell lies to all the institutions, child therapist mailed lies to me writing she severely disagreed...daddy says SHE did wrong and he'll make sure she loses her licence. If I remind him he told those things he says: you cannot prove that.

If you see your child - the mother of your grandchild - break down completely because of your behaviour. That is calculated and well thought out. Not reactive. What happens in his mind? That makes him think this is a good idea? He sees his child and family go to ruins, his grandchild slowly withdraw...child begs him to please please stop hurting them...and he thinks... ?

I did a * of stuff wrong. Kid suffered a lot from my bad choices and trauma. But what I find difficult to understand is that he...it's not feeling so panicky that he snaps. Or something like that. It is calculated scheming. And telling himself he is doing that for the best of everyone.

What is he thinking? Does he even remember the things he does and says?

[Matilda2]

Sorry for writing so much. I am in pain. Dad says he has a lot to use against me if I ever speak up. What he can use against me is my desperate pleas to please stop the abuse. Please cooperate. Please stop hurting us. Please stop driving me to suicide. Without proof of his actual abuse, this sounds utterly crazy and mean. CPS lacks awareness of these dynamics. And choses the side who presents best.

I showed dad all my vulnerabilities. Every time I did, he used them against me. For example to isolate me from family, or get CPS on his side. Every time I asked him for help, he used that against me. Every time I was honest about mistakes and said sorry. When he'd help me out, and I said something about later abuse, he'd say: you have no right to speak, because I just helped you.

I hate this type abuse. If he had beaten me up. He would have been the perpetrator. Now he hurt and bullied me so much, also by isolating me from the people I loved most, and hurting me through kid, and hurting kid himself...that I was in pain...and I was actually the one doing the damage. By ending up in a ward with depression. Or lashing out: stop please stop! Or panicking. Or sharing vulnerabilities with him.

I hate this type of abuse for this reason. He pushes all the right buttons until I have an emotional response. But I have the response. Be it love or anger or terror. So I'm responsible.

I went walking and drinking something in town. I refrained from responding. I spoiled myself with food I like. I will clean up the house so it's good when kid is here. I hope the agency has good advice. But I kind of gave up. Dad reached all his goals. I hope he is happy. He thinks he is perfect. And the fact that he wrecked his child and hurt is grandchild is completely irrelevant to him. He says I should not bother him with complicated talks and let him have his nice old day. How anyone can have a nice old day, knowing he destroyed his family, riddles me.

[Matilda2]

I tried explain on mail.

It doesn't sound like it is my life. I went through a ton of trouble. A lot. It just sounds unreal. Like this is not me.

[Armee]

 

[Matilda2]

Thank you.

I didn't do anything weird today. That's it. Everything is broken. Dad, I, kid. The family. There's nothing whole anymore. I had hope of how to fix it for a very long time. And now I do not see it.

Dad completely withdrew in a delusional world where he is the perfect dad and didn't do anything wrong ever. And if I say I hurt over the broken family he says he sees no problem. If I say I hurt over kid he says kid is perfectly fine. In his mind we're all fine. Because he cannot face the truth that his denial and my despair wrecked us all.

His daughter has suicidal ideation. His grandkid is very hurt but doesn't show it because he doesn't allow that. His children are not on speaking terms and will never be because of his lies. This is irrepairable because they want me to admit dad's lies are truth. Before they talk with me. And I will not. I see no way out. To be honest.

[Matilda2]

They want to start systems therapy. I asked for years and years. But at this point I no longer want to. Dad lies anyway. It is useless.

[Matilda2]

I felt good, but this news totally undermined me again. It's a never ending fight.

I let aspd ex visit his kid a few times...and we are still stuck with the aftermath. What destruction these people cause. Kid and I had it good in the beginning. We really did. Years of court fights destroyed everything. And ex is happily continuing his life. Without a millimeter of guilt. I feel guilty over what he did to us. But him? Nope.

I don wish * on anyone. But I do hope he is shown what he did to us and everyone around us. In afterlife. Just for a bit.

Neither me nor dad were like this before my run in with ex. Sure, traits were there. But the extreme stress drove us a much deeper into our trauma behavior.

[Kizzie]

Matilda, maybe it's time to get some help from a professional given you are having a lot of suicide ideation. When we are deeply depressed everything tends to feel dark, broken, meaningless. Although it may not feel like it there is help out there, there is. As a start, we have a list of organizations here - https://www.outofthestorm.website/emergency. 

You and you child are worth the energy it takes to reach out, please take back your lives and call! 

 

[Matilda2]

Thank you. Sorry. I will not do it. I'm just in a lot of pain. I stand up. Feel stronger. And these dumb organisations do something to show there's no way out again. Because they cannot look past surface level.

I do manage to keep living in the meanwhile. And actually doing stuff like see people and be friendly. Or work. Or clean. Or care for kid. I just do not know how to express the big pain. And where to go with it. Because covert narcissistic behaviour is so...cruel... that it makes the perpetrator look like a saint. And you as a horrible person if you take the bait. Which is exactly what it is intended to do. I cannot turn anywhere to be freed from my dad - at least with my kid. And any pain I express to him, will be like banging your head to a wall: you only hurt yourself. And he will only be confirmed in his ideas. If I call family they start ranting about things I did...and that they heard from dad...and didn't happen at all. 

I'm expected to deal with heartbreak over my kid. And function perfectly calm and adequate in the meanwhile. Or I will make it worse.

I do not commit suicide truly. I cannot. I just want an exit option. Out of his clutches and crazymaking. I wish I knew someone who went through the same. But I'm their favourite target. I know he did weird stuff with his business partners. But I can hardly call a stranger and say: "ey, this is the daughter of *dad*, do you also think he is a manipulator?"

When I asked he gave me their names. So he may have done it in such a way, that they didn't even know how they were fooled. He bragged about it.

Any ideas on where to leave pain while trying to function like a normal person is welcome.