I need too much

[Ceit]

I can't do this on my own yet. I've had therapy for 16 months now. I see progress but can't get the triggers to not cause flashbacks and disassociating. My T says I'm doing well but there's no support between sessions and I often feel that I can't go on or that I'm never going to be OK enough. I have one person who knows and helps far more than she should but it's still not enough as I feel like a little kid most days, I feel so bad about myself that I can't mix with others, I can't go places, I can't be normal.
I don't want to be like this anymore but can't change my reactions to triggers and then I have to shut myself away so no one sees. I'm feeling pretty helpless and hopeless and confused and trapped in it all, just like I was then.
 

[Chart]

I'm so sorry you're struggling Ceit. Cptsd is the hardest thing there is (imo). There's nothing worse. I know comparisons are ludicrous, especially on the plane of psychological pain and suffering. But it just sucks bigtime. Reading, research, talking, reaching out to others. This is what gets me through and keeps me going. You are not alone. There's a lot of work ahead, but things CAN improve. The progress is slow, most often imperceptible, but your brain is doing it so long as you keep in consciousness your emotions, desire for "self" and understanding fundamentally that considering what we went through, this condition is 100% normal. Suffering developmental trauma for years and decades creates a havoc in the head, heart and entire nervous system. It would be abnormal if you hadn't reacted in such a way. Your brain HAD to do whatever it had to do to survive. And now we have to unravel it all, lay it out meticulously and wind it back up in a manner that is healthy and suits us.
Sending love and support