I am so misaligned

[geckoskittlezx7900338]

backround = 19 year old transgender male with autism and complex trauma
identity problems, so obsesesd with typology. but also very triggered by it but also very ASHAMED of the whole thing in the first place
I dont know why but i let personality traits and behaviours, or even accents tones of voice vocabulary items of clothing mannerisms gestures facial features hair etc, overall vibes, determine my worth (i mean i alread y ptretty much did age 11 or so onwards but my brother like worsend it even mroe with his "simlike" "sluglike" erms)
I want to be tall and skinny, I want acne and greasy hair and pale skin, I want fluffy wavy thick messy hair, I romanticise doomerism weed video games so much, I like eastern europe, I have a vague interest in the humanities or maybe science, I genuinely enjoy drugs its not just doing it for the image (life would be boring without drugs)
AT THE END OF THE DAY NO ONE CARES IF YOU OVERSHARE EVERYTHING ABOUT YOURSELF ON THE INTERNET
I HATE BEING A PICK-ME
its like "you articulate yourself so well" compliments are so triggering because i want to appear out of t

I lose my cool all the time, posting the most embarrassing stuff to the internet ever, trauma dumping, oversharing, long-winded posts that don't make sense. Outbursts in public. I am so ashamed.

everyone seems to know who I am.
everyone sees me as everything I do not want to be--- female, childish, hysterical, impulsive, closed-minded

I find all kinds of cringe looking people on the interne tthat remind me of myself "OMG I am like so INTP 5W6 514 LIE i entered the backrooms I dissociate 24/7 ZERO spatial or social awareness Heres my sleep deprivation induced K hole moodboard !!!!!!!!!!" as a vague example (or like "I create loads of stories in my head and I do not speak to people, this MBTI test says Im iSfj 6w9!!!" kind of people that seem to be helpful but just make me feel so uncomfortable and are confused as to why I pushed them away, the reason is because it makes me realise how grounded in reality i actually am more than i thnk) it makes me realise how * ugly i am.

I worry that I am too simlike sluglike theatrical illogical impulsive fat sensor feeler woman child
the more i try to be the opposite the more i want to be the opposite the more i envy the opposite the more I am everything i do not want to be
uncomfortable "younger self"
my reddit feeds are AI tailored to me because of dead internet theory. and people that aren't supposed to know me do know me.
I am a Karen in denial
cryinge "mysterious" curvy bright animated, Karen that over reacts. Opposite is bestest basedest backrooms ever.

haunted by past memories of conversations I've had with my brother
giving into the urge no matter what, the urge does not go away in spite of distractions

"Won't others label me as impulsive if I walk too fast and barge into people?"
"Won't others label me as retarded if I try to use self-help books?"

Strangers are judging me. And even if they're not judging me at all, I still constantly overhear them say things that made me realise how far away from the way I'd like to be I am.

the whole simulation reality theory, I cannot help but feel waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay inferior to the people that think reality is fake because of daydreaming etc

The more weight i gain the more of a sensor I feel. fat, impulsive, hulky, bulky, weighty, corporal, physical, unthinking, unwise, irrational, brutish, caveman.

I thought I was [insert thing] but i think my brother is the real [insert thing] instead and im the * ugly hysterical dramatic loud clingy one all this time IN DENIAL

My aunt is rarely available and even though she is the best immediates upport sustem i can think of (if not the only one) i have difficulty trusting her
i have to wait until 15 th april for Mental health thing and thats just an APPOINTMENT

this is *
I feel like not leaving the house at all because its too triggering but thats impossible pretty much because i still have to leave it for food and drink, cigarettes, internet top ups, appointments, change of scenery

my gender dysphoria and eating disorder and obsessing over personality i thinkt theyre all tied into each other
as to wahy I became transgender in the first place I dont know