Dalloway´s Recovery Journal

[Dalloway]

Thank you my friends, indeed I feel much lighter as SenseOrgan put it.

But the paradox of it is that by being able to be more open and accepting to the world I also feel more pressure on my shoulders. Now I can feel the weight of the life I´ve led so far and in many aspects continue to lead. The heaviness of not being able to move freely in space, of having certain roads I walk, as if my life was some sort of choreographed theatre. All the ways I behave that count as tolerable and acceptable by people around me, the box I was squeezed into, which I cannot move in. I find myself very frustrated for having to live like this.

Something inside me is seeking freedom, free movement, free thinking, free speaking, free existing. But the costume I´m in feels so tight that I feel like I cannot breathe. And the freedom inside me is terrified of this small cell of a life I´m living in. It doesn´t want to live this way. It wants to be understood, to be able to get it´s voice heard. It wants to be known by the world, by people and most importantly by itself.

Many times I feel like an empty shell, like a ghost, walking around in what I perceive as a false world where everything is false because of my lack of connection to it. Because nobody really knows me and I can´t really express who I am. That´s why everything feels so empty and fake. I want to be real and want to feel, just like Frankenstein´s creature wanted to. And in a way I think I already am, but the armour is too tight. It´s uncomfortable. I can´t move, can´t breathe as fully as I´d like to. Or maybe I´m just a little crab that needs her shell changed. I´m just too scared to go to the shore to look for one.