relationship issues and cptsd

[Past_present_Comlex]

Hello, I'm new here..
I'm suffering from cptsd.
been trough several traumatic events during my life, some are long episodes ones..
I don't wanna get too specific at the moment, but it was sexual and violence types of traumas.
(sorry for my English, I know it's not that perfect, but I'm doing my best..)

I'm 28 years old, met my boyfriend (35 years old) about 18 months ago.
we're living together at his place, since not too long after we became officially a couple.

my mental condition slowly slowly effected a lot on our relationship..
I started been extremely demanding and added lots of unwritten "rules" as for what he can or can not do..
things that triggered me and cause me to be angry, anxious or sad..
(anything involved women like articles online with photos in it, or books with sexual descriptions in it.. etc.
not to mention he can't even move his head to wherever there's a woman when we're out on the street..
he even had to stop some of his connections with his long term female friends)

most or all of our fights are always about how my condition effects him
he told me a lot how he feels like in a cage, with no place to run for a shelter..
he works from home, and I'm now working due to my mental condition, so he has to deal with me a lot of his time
I'm trying to give him much as space as i can, but nothing seem to be enough..
I tried to let him do stuff and be okay with that, but I just can't.. it hurts too much
so at first I didn't say anything and suffered alone so he won't see
until I told him, and asked again for him to stop.

I must say, he's amazing understanding and carrying partner
doing his best to keep me knowing that he loves me, even when I can't accept the possibility..
but even tho, he's human.. and I understand his pain by living with me

lots of times, like now, I feel like I'm too heavy for him to carry..
I feel like I made his life be terrible, and got nothing good to our relationship.

I'm about to start a new treatment those days, CBT and EMDR (I will try both and see which is better for me to continue with)
but I feel afraid, that trying this won't matter
and maybe even get things worse, when all my biggest fears and traumas will be out on the table, instead of deep inside me.
* right now I'm on meds only.

sometimes I feel like he will be better off without me
but I know for sure, it won't be possible for me to get back to the scared little girl that couldn't even breath, which I was before I've met him..
afraid of what I would do to myself if i'll let myself lose him.

I love him so much, and sometimes we're so close together that I feel like we're one..
I love those times, when I'm kind of okay, and we're handling things good enough
when we can love unconditionally, and be loved with no fear.

I forgot to mention how much he improved me as a person since we met
I've done lots of things that I couldn't have seen as possible before
got over lots of my fears, and became much more confident, more happy person
but yet..

I don't know if I can keep hurt the person I love and care for the most
even if it's not my fault, even if it's the cptsd that behind this
I'm not sure he need to suffer from the traumas that I have been trough..
I want the best for him, and I can't see myself in such a picture, even if he tells me (and himself) that he can..

any comments will be much appreciated..
and sorry for the long post.

[keepfighting]

Hi, PPC,

and welcome to the forum! I'm glad you found us. 

Your English is fine and easy to understand - no need to apologize for it. 

I can recognize a lot of what you describe. The beginning of my relationship with my DH was also quite a bumpy ride - most of it down to my CPTSD and not yet having had T to stabilize my symptoms. To this day, I don't know why he stuck it out with me but I am glad he did - he and our kids are the best thing that ever happened to me and my reason for still fighting to get better. Your man sounds like a good egg and I can understand why you want to work on your CPTSD so it does no longer have such a big affect on your relationship. Kudos to you!

May I ask if you have had counseling or therapy of any kind yet?

When my oldest child was 2 years old, I finally started t. I didn't want to pass on the legacy to my innocent little child and I wanted to get better. Before that, I was merely surviving, pretending everything was fine to the outside world like I was used to in my childhood home. I had Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and that stabilized most of my symptoms quite effectively. It was a relief for our small family and the relationship between DH and me that I was feeling better - and though CPTSD is a 'life sentence' in the sense that it's never really 'over', I can honestly say that it does get easier to live with once the major symptoms are stabilized to a certain extend. It's not all sunshine and roses but it's a better and healthier relationship now than it was when we first lived together.

Have you checked out the toolbox from Out of the FOG yet? http://www.outofthefog.net/CommonNonBehaviors/Toolbox.html

Just one more thought: I really admire that you want to work on your CPTSD in order to improve your relationship with your partner. It is great. Just remember that when you start/continue working on yourself that you want to do it for yourself as well. You're worth it! 

Looking forward to reading more from you and really glad you're here! 

kf

[Kizzie]

Hi PastPresentComplex - HI and welcome to Out of the Storm.  I see KeepFighting has give you a warm welcome and shared some of her experiences with CPTSD and her relationship with her DH and children with you, as well as pointed you to some resources. 

Definitely kudos to you for wanting to work on you so that you and your BF have a better life.  It sounds as if your BF is a compassionate and supportive person so perhaps at some point after you have read through the site, you can print out a few resources for him so that he is able to understand what CPTSD is and how it can be treated and managed. It's so much easier when you do have the openness and support of a loved one as you don't have to expend energy hiding anything and they understand what you're dealing with and how it may affect your relationship.   

Please read over the Guidelines for Members and then browse through the various forums to get a feel for what we talk about and some of the resources that are available. When you're comfortable you may want to post in the forums "CPTSD - General Discussion" about your experience with CPTSD and "Our relationships with Others" about how CPTSD affects your relationship with your BF. 

Again, welcome to Out of the Storm and I hope you find the information, support and encouragement that you need here.

[Rrecovery]

Hi PPC and welcome 

CBT and EMDR are excellent treatment approaches.  Trauma likes to convince us that it's hopeless and nothing will help - but that's not truth - that's just the trauma speaking.  I wish you well in your healing journey and am glad you are here. 

[Rain]

I like that phrase, Rr ..."it's just the trauma speaking"