Post-Traumatic Growth Journal

[SenseOrgan]

Chart, sanmagic7
Hi guys! Just dropping by to express my gratitude for your support. I hope you are well

I've been riding a wave of sorts. It involves gardening and social interaction. And all the other stuff I do to positively impact health in the broadest sense of the word. I feel it's very important for me to forge this iron while it's hot. I've been positively surprised with how well things have been going overall. The sleep disordered days and overwhelm are sprinkled in between and it remains a delicate balance. So I currently haven't found the space to hang out here. I will again, for sure. I've been away from the computer, the news, and indoors quite a lot. It's lifting my spirit to hang out with folks and to have a taste of my old love for gardening at the same time again. It's really positive and it's turning my life around quite a bit. Just like official therapy, which also still continues, it's good and destabilizing at the same time. It's the right kind of medicine for now.

Hugs from Holland.  

[sanmagic7]

dang, SO, i'm so glad you've been able to garden again.  i miss being able to do that, all the gardens i've had, out there digging in the dirt, helping wonderful things grow.  therapy, indeed, of the best kind.  enjoy!  love and hugs

[SenseOrgan]

sanmagic7
Wanna get back at gardening? It took me a couple of years to get to the point I had just enough energy and cognitive capacity to dare start again. We'll see how that goes on the longer run. So far, so good. 

[SenseOrgan]

I was following along with my fellow travelers, who got off of the same plane. When we entered the airport, the stream of people passed a line of about five power displaying border control people. This kind of scene always makes me nervous. Law and behold, I was singled out by one of them, while the other passengers could continue. More nerves. Passport. Reason for visit? Flying to another country for therapy is unusual and in my mind this could be interpreted in a way that can cause trouble if somebody is leaning to the paranoid side. Not uncommon nowadays. When I answered and was carefully compared to the picture in my passport, I was allowed to continue. Few. No trouble. Just a random check ending as it should. I let it go and continued my journey.

Which went better than feared, including  figuring out the escape room style of getting into the room I had rented for a couple of nights. Next to a noisy area with bars and restaurants, apparently.

To my surprise, I woke up relatively well rested the next morning. The ear plugs, sleep mask, and meditation had done a wonderful job. I felt pretty good.

A few hours later, I started walking to my T's practice. Only a few minutes later, I heard something behind me. When I looked, there were two police officers behind me, clearly talking to me. My heart is in my throat again, even writing this. I was intimidated and perplexed. This never happened to me before. I had no idea what was going on. I was clearly singled out. Again. They were civil, but not necessary friendly, empathetic, or fluent in English.

My passport. I gave it to the one who was doing his best to communicate with me in Eglish. He had just switched on his body cam and now started writing down who knows what on a notepad. Data from my document for one. The way he looked at the store behind me, later made me suspect he was also writing down where they stopped me. Then the question what the name of my parents was. What?! What does that have to do with anything? He was not kidding. He actually wanted me to tell him my parents names.

In the complete fawn mode I went into right from the start, I tried to answer as calmly and normally as I could. Even though I had said right away that this was intimidating to me because this does not happen in my country. It was an impulse to connect on a human level, I realize now. Likely the way to go in my country. Not necessarily anywhere else. I didn't think about it. I have a Dutch mind.

It took about ten minutes. The other officer basically just stood there, looking  grumpy. They didn't respond to my few attempts at making conversation. So I resorted to staying as quiet and calm as I possibly could. Apperently I had put my hands in my pockets. One officer asked me to take them out for safety reasons. That felt threatening to me. I am not a dangerous person. Apparently I potentially was to them. Even if it's protocol, it felt horrible to be treated like this. I apologized and told them I don't know how to behave in a situation like this. Fawn 101.

One other question I got was if I lived here. I said I was just visiting. Then one of them said they had to check something, which was easier for them if I'd come with them to the police bus parked about 150 feet away. Then I got real panicky. Who did they think I was? What were they suspecting me of? What was going to happen now? Was I going to be taken to jail? Being accused of something I didn't do? I wouldn't be the first innocent person to end up in a terrible situation in a foreign country.

Nobody gave me any reason for what was going on. It was terrifying. Internally I was spiralling out, while trying not to show anything in an attempt not to further raise suspicion.

They walked on both my left- and right hand side when we walked to the bus. Clearly not a sign of trust. Protocol or not, I was on the receiving end of this and it spelled only doom in my mind. Kept in the dark completely, any regular Joe from my country would be at least a bit intimidated. Even without C-PTSD. My stress level went through the roof, and my sense of safety out of the window. Anything could happen now. I was at the mercy of people who had all the power, who had clearly made some sort of negative assessment of me.

I was walking to my therapist for crying out loud! Minding my own business, causing no trouble whatsoever to anybody. It did not feel right at all.

At the bus, they handed over my passport to their colleagues. I just had to stand there and wait for what would happen, whenever. In my mind, the worst scenario's were unfolding.

It took about another ten minutes for them to do whatever they were doing. Then I was handed back my passport. The English speaking guy told me that for them that was all or something in that vein. All of a sudden the scene was over and I could go. I had to hurry for my appointment. I was deeply shaken up by this. Only half able to appreciate I was let go.

Needless to say this carried over into the session. I may write about that another time.

After this incident, I became scared of the police. There are many on the street in the area where I am. I have become scared to go outside. After I got back from the session and rested a bit, I had to go outside because I needed to get food. I went to a super maket and bought enough to not have to go out anymore. I passed a couple of officers and had a significant stress response. In this country, outside has become synonymous with danger for me.

I do feel safe where I stay. And for reasons I don't understand, I have had another relatively good night after that horrible day. When I woke up, my mind was still racing about this incident.

It's an incredibly strong trigger for me. A hint of a worst case in a foreign country. That's all my mind needs to go berserk. I'm having thoughts of never coming back here again. Ever.

It's such an irony this happened, while I'm taking such effort to experience safety in connection in therapy. That did happen this time too, but the price for it is insane. First the bed bugs, now this. It's triggering more than enough without these extreme things happening outside of the therapy itself.

I keep ending up in situations like these. Or perhaps I'd better say I keep having responses to situations like these. I'm working very hard to be able to deal with far less triggering situations. I'm not ready for things of this caliber.

This one trigger goes back decades. The symbolism in it became evident. Being injustly blamed for something by an omnipotent power who is irresponsive is not a new experience for me. It may be only my thoughts, but I imagine this is what it's like to experience the rage of a parent in your early stage of development. Or misattument in general. Utterly at the mercy of such an intimidating force you can't get through to. This theme does run through my life. It pops up in different situations, which can all be traced back to this.

In the midst of the scene, I felt like life was against me. It felt so unjust to have this happen to me. I definitively felt like a victim. I'm being kind to the little one who is stuck in that place, while I'm trying very hard not to blend with him. At least not outside of therapy sessions. It has no use for me to extent the state of overwhelm where I have any say in this.

I'm being extra kind to myself today. And yesterday I called a friend when I got back to my room. Staying alone with this is looking more and more unwise and unwanted, which I celebrate as progress. Just as how I feel now compared to how I would have some years ago. It's only a day after a colossal trigger. It could be way worse.

I keep asking myself what is the most constructive way to go about. Great turmoil, yes. Absolutely! Overwhelm galore. And in the midst of this, where do I want to steer this dysregulated system towards? How can this be a learning experience, strengthening me instead of putting me down again? The fact that I'm even thinking these thoughts, while still being triggered, is a victory in itself. I do not want my ingrained reflexes to have the last say in this. I am more then just that primal survival response.

So I thought about sharing it here. The process of writing down my experience further helped me to regulate my system.

I am sitting in the safety of my room. Right now, I am safe. Nothin threatening is happening. There are only thoughts and physical sensations. While I am sitting in the safety of my room. And nothing dangerous actually even happened. I was never in real danger. Not a second. I have done nothing wrong. It was bad luck/profiling. Yes it could happen again. But it isn't now. It is not happening now. If it ever does again, I'll have to deal with it than. Do I have to suffer that hypothetical 100x now? In total imagination?

I am angry that I'm experiencing this. I do not want to get caught in these loops over and over. It's helping me to shift out of this state. It's not anger directed towards myself. It's frustration. Ultimately, the drive to grow out of this terrible conditioning. The lesson here is that I'm not dealing with the outside world. The challenge is not so much to change that. Life throws at me what it will without my permission regardles of my actions. This is about learning to get my system to a more relaxed state. ASAP after the trigger. All things considered, it's going quite well.

Tomorrow I'll have to go out again. It's weird to notice a part of me is even looking forward to this a bit, really fed up with these extreme responses and determinded not to be ruled by them forever. Another part is still terrified to set foot outside. Have I learned anything from this experience? It kinda feels like I got something out of this.

At night, I remembered something Ram Dass once said to someone. Something in the vein of "Imagine, that everything that happens to you in life has been specifically designed for you." It's not relevant if this is true or not. Not for me at least. This is about ones fundamental attitude in life. It's the same thing Einstein referred to about the most important decision in life. He said it's to decide if you live in a hostile, or a friendly universe. Very early in life, I made up my mind. All of us do unknowingly, I think. It seems I don't quite agree with my decision. I keep challenging it.

I do not want to die identifying as a victim of life, regardless of the circumstances I'm in. I want to go out riding the wave of whatever is. Letting go of the victim mentality, even below the cognitive level, and overcoming trauma, are one and the same. It's either a yes or a no to this life, or this universe. Absolute cooperation with the inevitable is an aspiration of mine. Still aiming for the moon :-)

[Little2Nothing]

Wow! What an ordeal! I can't imagine me reacting any different from you. I'm sorry you had to endure that. 

[SenseOrgan]

Thanks for saying that Little2Nothing. It helps to hear your response would've been the same. The friend whom I talked to on the phone afterwards is very supportive, but he doesn't deal with C-PTSD, so the most extreme states and not being able to regulate them is alien to him. He would have been stressed too, but would have been able to shrug it off not long after. I'm still dealing with the impact, two days later. 

[Desert Flower]

Indeed, that is quite an ordeal and me too, I would definitely stress out completely in a situation like this. It stresses me out reading about it, frankly.
(And me too, going through airport security, I'm always picked out for extra checks. What are they thinking! I'm a mom traveling with husband and two kids going to a holiday place and they decide to check ME??? I look anxious is all I can think. And I am at these times.)

So just to add: I think you did very very well handling this unbelievable situation. I'm very proud of you.

How can this be a learning experience, strengthening me instead of putting me down again? The fact that I'm even thinking these thoughts, while still being triggered, is a victory in itself.

Yes! Big one!

I am sitting in the safety of my room. Right now, I am safe. Nothin threatening is happening. There are only thoughts and physical sensations.

That is so brave! Good for you.

I hope everything goes well traveling back home. Take lots of care. Big hug. 

[sanmagic7]

dang, SO, what an ordeal, indeed!  i'm sure i would've reacted at least the same, if not worse, tears, shaking, not being able to stand.  i don't know that i would've returned the next day, either.  with the stuff i've been reading, it's very scary to me.  i give you a lot of credit for your thought process to get yourself back together and willing to go out again.  i think it's amazing. i hope you don't have to experience anything near to that ever again. love and hugs

[SenseOrgan]

Desert Flower, sanmagic7
Thanks BIG time for your support! More response later. Need to offload some more...

******************************************

In an effort to minimize exposure to uniforms on the street, I figured out an alternative route to get to the bus stop. From there it would be just one ride, straight to the airport. I got lucky. It was only a three minute walk on a small, uncrowded road.

I was definitely nervous setting foot outside. The bus stop was on a big street. Arriving there increased my tension. In my mind the risk of another encounter was bigger here.

I made sure I was at the right place. I was, and had to wait for the bus. I was afraid a police car would ride by, which could lead to being assessed and treated in a similar fashion. Not knowing quite where and how to look, I spent nine long minutes hanging in there, hoping my rescue vehicle would actually show up.

It did. Right on schedule. The other day I had already gotten a paper ticket. The one I knew how to validate on the bus from experience. Little things like that do provide a tiny bit of calm in the midst of a storm. Something familiar and predictable.

It was great getting on the bus, off the street. That feeling didn't go to deep though. My system still assessed being here, in this city, in this country, as dangerous. I remained on high alert. Even on the bus, and after a long, safe intermezzo in the room.

I kept scanning for police on the street. Meanwhile, being surrounded by people speaking a language I don't understand fed the sense of alienation and unsafety. Soon after, a woman sat next to me. She had a smell of parfume which almost made me grasp for fresh air. It was so strong, I had to turn my head to the other side to stop a sense of suffocation. On top of that, the woman would not shut up. When she finished talking to the guys she knew, she continued on the phone. No quiet, safe space for me on this ride.

Another woman entered, greeting people and walking to the front. She was what I thought she was. Here to check our tickets. Never happened before. A rush of panick quickly lowered in intensity when I noticed her friendly demeaner and found the validated ticket in my pocket. This person was not a threat. It was decided in a split second. I showed the ticket and that was that. It was not even as big of a deal as the off-gassing woman next to me. She stayed the whole ride.

When we were approaching the stop at the airport, I noticed a police car with officers right next to it. My stress levels skyrocketed. Stay calm, act normal, go with the flow. My survival mind was fully in charge. It guided me safely into the airport.

Now another hurdle was coming up. Security check. The toilet, first. I was stressed out by all of this and hoped to catch a glimpse of calm there. Nope. Security folks all around here, off course. I passed several. Big trigger. Hard to not make this into a self fulfilling prophecy by looking overly anxious. I'm not sure how much of this turmoil shows. I hope it's mostly a private torture chamber.

The visit to the toilet hardly helped. I found a seat somewhere and sat there for a couple of minutes, looking on my phone. A pinch of normalcy. Better bite the bullet and get this over with. On to the scanning of my qr to get to the line before the check. All red crosses there. No entrance. There was something going on. Now what? A guy who barely spoke English tried to explain something to me. Then people started going through the gates. I quickly followed suit. It worked just like is should. Few. I got through that.

There was my mind again. Lightning fast. Firmly gripping the wheel. Wait in line. Don't stand out in any way. Normal, normal, normal! What a challenge, in such a panicky state. The check was approaching. I went back and forth between the worst being over or yet to come. Most of the personnel looked allright. Not too grumpy, like the one I encountered last time. It normally is the least favorite part of a trip for me anyway. You just don't know what somebody will decide about you and your luggage and there's no getting around that. At the mercy of... That's the triggering bit. Just like before. Powerless and unavoidable.

When I was almost there, I noticed I was dissociating a bit. I gusss that's what it is. Going somewhere else for a second at a time. Apparently that's the way I do it. At least I was present enough of the time to go along with that mad procedure with the trays on the conveyer belt type thing. The guy in front of me took ages to offload all his stuff into trays. I was done in a few seconds, having thought of the ways to keep this only as long as strictly necessary beforehand.

I wasn't sure to ask the official if I should take off my shoes too. It's something some want you to do and some don't. Either way this could cause more stress or trouble. In a split second I decided to ask, and was relieved I didn't have to take them off this time. Going through the scan was shooting up my nerves this time. Normally nowhere near as much. Meanwhile my stuff was also being scanned. Please no issues with my person or my stuff now. Not today. Not even a friendly extra check. Luckily I was granted that. It was over very quickly.

My state did not follow suit. I remained hyper vigilent. Every uniform, there were many here too, remained highly distressing. It took a long time to find an empty seat. I was overwhelmed by all the noises around me. Constant announcements and alarms going off. People speaking loudly and walking all over. A bad place to calm down after a triggering cascade. Not surprising, that didn't happen.

I could not think straight. Just went with the first thing coming to mind, which was to eat the sandwiches I had taken with me. And listen to some calming music. It wasn't enough. Then I remembered how writing had helped me calm down the other day. I started typing this journal entry. The time flew by. I wasn't even finished when it was time to board. It gave me something to help me gather my focus, even though the stress kept coursing through my veins.

I'm at home sweet home now. Safety has been slowly seeping into my system. This will all be another of those memories very soon. A part is not even protesting anymore. No matter how crazy, this is the ride.

Tomorrow I'll get back to gardening. The weather is gorgeous here.

[Desert Flower]

Oh dear SenseOrgan, I can very much imagine every inch of stress you went through. I'm very glad that you're home safe now. And very well done.
Yes, it will certainly take some time (and for me effort as well sometimes, like belly breathing) in a truly safe place to really calm down. That's okay. Take your time now.
 

[SenseOrgan]

Desert Flower
Thanks so much for your support! It's really helpful to me to get your feedback. It's crazy you're always picked out for extra checks. Because you look anxious makes sense in your anxious mind, right? But what kind of person is anxious going though airport security? Usually not the type of person taking big risks smuggling or whatever, I'd think. It may have nothing to do with you personally. This is a real possibility. It could be a statistics thing, or an algorithm working in mysterious ways. We'll never know, I guess.

My first thoughts also went to wondering what it is about me (that's what we do, right?). I can imagine I have looked a bit perplexed or anxious when I entered the street and noticed the police van about 150 feet away. I looked at it for a split second, and then stared a few seconds in front of me, and so forth. Not like a carefree tourist or a local knowing where he was going. It may have been picked up by a camera and flagged by AI, prompting for closer inspection. It's all speculation.

Later I realized that the evening before I walked this street in the opposite direction, there were two vans. They were scanning for potential trouble. And with that mindset or algorithm, you will assess people a certain way. Heck, they may even have hourly quota they work with. Back home, I found out this is a highly patrolled area. So how much is about me and how much is about the one seeing me? These thoughts wouldn't stop the trigger in that situation, I'm certain. It's good to put things in perspective now, I think.

When I was about to go to the airport again, I told myself looking anxious is not a crime. It didn't help me to calm down at that point, but I imagine being unapologetically anxious could, in theory, lead to less worry about how to be perceived and less anxiety as a result. This is about a 10 on the exposure scale though. In my case this taps straight into attachment trauma, which joined a colossal sense of shame, guilt, and fawnery with survival right in my core.

When I feel like I'm being assessed, judged, or even looked at carefully by forces that have the power to do whatever, this sets off terror in my system. One way to invoke that level in the therapy I got here for, is to do sustained eye gazing with the therapist. Thus far we haven't done something that triggering and focused on installing positive experiences in vulnerable connection. Not being triggered so intensely in the situation with the police would pretty much mean I don't need therapy anymore. Being in a foreign country is a big factor for me too, I realize. It adds to the sense of omnipotence I sense the actor I deal with has. A similar thing has happened in different circumstances which nonetheless have the same ingredients to one degree or another. This is a deeply disturbing reminder of the terror that's under the hood and just how fast my system can spiral out under specific conditions.

Do you have a good source for teaching me deep belly breathing perhaps? It's often part of meditations I do, and also PMR. For some reason I often end up more stressed by it. Even to the point I started wondering if I should seek out a teacher to teach me properly. I've done quite a bit with the breath and in the past years I've landed on what I think is Buyteko as taught by Patrick McKeown as a default. What I really miss is something like deep belly breathing that works to calm me down. 

sanmagic7
Thanks for being here! This morning I still felt like never returning there again. It's so sad that I've found this amazing therapy and therapist and triggers of this magnitude are (now) coupled to the place I'd need to go for it. I wonder if I'm truly mad for doing stuff like this. It isn't compatible with my affliction, but I feel like I have to go there because of it. Very little interventions still make sense to me. This was a rare find I waited two years for to be able to start somewhere. It's an impossible position to be in. The price of stress I payed for the last two sessions is insane!

****************************************************************************************
Tonight was really hard. Hours before I went to bed, I found out that the compost I had put on my front yard over a layer of cardboard to kill the weeds, contains heaps of seeds itself. It sounds crazy, but after what I went through this instantly landed me into suicidal ideation. I was furious that whatever I seem to painstakingly attempt to improve my situation ends in another kick in the teeth. I was totally fed up with life. One blow too many.

When I got up this morning, I was literally sick from the stress from the past days. And utterly depressed. It was really hard to just let it be and wait for it to subside whenever it would. I could barely meditate in this condition. I went real easy on myself and eventually managed to do some light work in the garden. The day is almost over now, and I'm starting to feel quite a lot better. Mood is okay-ish and the stress hangover is gone. I skipped the plan to run this morning because I felt so horrible and expect to get back on track tomorrow. I'm definitively heading in the right direction and feel like picking up on the positive gardening flow I was in before.

[Desert Flower]

It sounds crazy, but after what I went through this instantly landed me into suicidal ideation. I was furious that whatever I seem to painstakingly attempt to improve my situation ends in another kick in the teeth. I was totally fed up with life. One blow too many.

I totally understand after what you went through.

I think you may give yourself some praise for how well you did and allow yourself some time to recover, from your therapy session and the ordeal surrouding it.

When I feel like I'm being assessed, judged, or even looked at carefully by forces that have the power to do whatever, this sets off terror in my system.

Yes, I have that too. Horrible.

Hang in there and take care, I hope you will feel better soon. 

[sanmagic7]

dang, SO, what a trial!  so glad you made it back to a feeling of safety.  i 'know' that woman you spoke of, that perfume thing, ugh!  it's so horrible, have also had to turn my head to try to get some relief from it. and the SI, after all you went thru, i'm not surprised.  one too many things, indeed!  the amount of stress you experienced, the levels of it simply punished your nervous system.  thankfully you're doing better now after your stress hangover had its way with you.  do you have to do this again?

i'll be gardening vicariously thru you.  enjoy, enjoy!  love and hugs

[Desert Flower]

I forgot about the belly breathing. I don't want to crowd your journal but since you asked. I got my instruction from the physiotherapist when I had 'long-covid'. It has made a ton of difference for me. But it may not be for everybody. Some light (or heavy!) gardening, walking or dancing to loud music may also help.

Anyway, what I do is very very simple "box breathing". There's probably instructions on internet as well, you could look that up.
- lie on the floor on your back, feet a little apart and flopping to the outside, hands a little away from your body on the floor hands facing up or hands on your belly
- breath in for three seconds (for instance, or two, or ...), to start with, 'through' the belly (belly rises)
- hold your breath for three seconds (belly stays up)
- breath out for three seconds (belly falls)
- stay empty for three seconds (belly stays down)
And repeat, repeat, repeat that for 21 minutes.
I always put on some relaxing music (spotify 'healing therapy' or something like that, instrumental, slow, calming), but that's not required.

And then here's the key I think. We know that the breathing can calm down our nervous system and the heart will follow. The thing is we want the system to sloooow down. So you start with whatever length your breath is at the moment and you make that an inch longer than feels natural. It may feel a little uncomfortable. But not too uncomfortable. So just a teeny tiny inch longer than where you are at the moment. And slowly slowly try to prolong the breaths and pauses, to four seconds, five, etc. And if in between you really feel you need to stop and breath normally, or take a deep breath or sigh or whatever, by all means do so. And just start over. No problem. There's no need to push. Wherever you are is fine.

And to get used to it, you may want to do this four, five times a day.

I hope this is helpful. If not, just disregard and do what works for you. 

[SenseOrgan]

sanmagic7
Yeah, it's been brutal. No wonder I'd get some fallout of this. Overwhelm seems to be a big part in the SI. Very negative experiences don't necessarily land me there. This one was just way too far beyond my coping skills.

Whether I do this again is totally up to me. For now I've decided I'm at least taking a break. Even without the incident, I think I'd done that.

The growing season has started, and this year I'm finally into gardening again. I've hardly been able to do that for many years due to the state I was in. So much insane stuff has happened in so many years. Just wave after wave of ramming me further into a terrible state. Actually in large part because I wanted to be able to garden, but that's way too much to get into here. It's a big thing for me that I'm feeling my old spark again. BIG. I'm going to kindle that one and take it from there! 

Desert Flower
Thanks so much for sharing that. This is really helpful. I can see myself intuiting my way into this. Slowly is the word that jumps out at me. I'm going to play around with it and add this to my stack of interventions somehow. I did get glimpses of what is pointed at by many people while experimenting with the breath factor during PMR. So at least I have a bit of a reference. I can do very long exhalations, but that's not necessarily the key, it seems. It's rather subtle, whether this generates relaxation or more like the opposite. Yours is just the angle I was looking for.