starting over

[Desert Flower]

Right there with you San, tired myself. The stress just wears us out doesn't it.
And good luck with the new T.
(I was also thinking about the last T I had, these sessions were okay actually, EMDR and all that but it was just really strange that when I started talking about resetting my nervous system physically, she had no idea what I was talking about. Like Chart, I think it's just really hard to find a T who gets the total picture like we do here.)

Big hugs 

[NarcKiddo]

Wishing you well in your search for a new T. I hope you find a good one.

 

[sanmagic7]

thanks, chart, for your perspective.  i do get the whole idea of 'my T is getting as much from this as i am' train of thought.  i felt like that with my last T - she learned a lot from working w/ me.  as you said, even so, she gave me a sense of stability which i sorely needed, and the idea that someone had my back.  but, she did learn, and was extremely helpful to me in the end.  so, best to you with yours.

DF, thank you for being here for me.  and, yeah, i agree.  the stress is wearing.  except for maybe immediately after a nap, i'm pretty much tired all the time.  of course, getting proper and consistent sleep would probably help a lot with that!  as i said to chart, i had to educate my last T on a lot of aspects of myself, my 'self', and how i function. in all my years of therapy, i have yet to find someone who 'gets it'.  but we keep doing what we can, right? 

thanks, NK.  i hope so, too.  my D told me that when my medicaid comes thru, i just call them to find out about T's who are in their system, and i can't do that until next month, so everything's on hold right now.  but, we'll see!

just tired today.  we're gonna have our 'second summer' for the next 5 days, so it's gonna be warm again.  not looking forward to that, but i don't think it'll be as hot as during the regular summer.  hope not anyway.  plus, it won't last long.

my D is having to go thru these tests for narcolepsy, which is what we want to be wrong, and not just sleep apnea.  so, stressful again.  i feel so bad for her that she has to keep going thru this bull pucky.  it's just not letting her alone!  so, we're hoping for narcolepsy, which seems weird, but it might be what she needs to get some financial help from the feds.  that would be so great!  here's hopin'!

[Chart]

Hey San, how much research have you done on "gut health" and the micro-biome? I ask cause I wonder if your energy struggles might not be related to an unbalanced intestinal condition. I've been kinda haphazardly exploring this "area" since my hernia appeared three years ago. Lately I've come across all sorts of stuff that I've started taking as kindof "rapid" experiments... milk thistle, vitamin c, artichoke leaf, raw garlic, etc etc. I haven't found any clear-cut magical solutions, but the awareness of doing this stuff in combination with near-zero carbs and near-zero sugar has definitely convinced me that my belly and what I'm throwing down there has a Huge impact on my energy and depression, amongst other things. Another thing I've realized is just how hard it is for me to resist "comfort foods" and so I know I'm constantly backsliding. It's just too tough. But I keep trying to reorient, coming back on track after slipping a bit. Slowly, very slowly I'm building better habits and resisting the negative impulses. I say all this just as an observation to your lack of energy. Might it be related? Or similar in your current struggle with energy?
No implications or pressure, just curious and tossing out some thoughts and ideas. I would so love to hear you're feeling more energy and doing more easily the stuff you want to do. But I'm guessing you already have a lot of knowledge and experience with this subject too. Just throwing it out there for what it's worth.
  

[sanmagic7]

thanks for your thoughts, chart.  actually, i have taken steps, like not eating meat (except for the occasional serving of fish), lowering my carb intake, have added greek yogurt regularly to my diet for its probiotics.  sugar consumption is mostly down.  i do believe most of my energy drain is from stress - that part hasn't really let up too much, altho it is better than it was.  w/ my D's health problems, the worry/anxiety just ramped up 100-fold, and that kind of thing has always drained me of energy.  plus, my poor sleep.  just not enough deep, restful sleep, which, hopefully, will be quelled when i see a doc and can get some meds for my restless legs syndrome on a regular basis.  so, thanks again.  much appreciated. 

will be putting my hairstyling experience into practice tomorrow w/ my galpal.  it'll be nice to make a little extra $$.  it'll help make up for this past weekend when my D couldn't do her delivering thing cuz of being so exhausted.  speaking of low energy, it now seems that she will be treated for a form of narcolepsy, but she has to have an overnite sleep study done, and then a napping thing the next day.  they want to find out all about her sleep disorder is being affected.  we're excited for this (which in my case, is also stressful).  so, we'll see.

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic,
I hope your time with your galpal went well.

Finger's crossed for your daughter's treatment.  I hope they can help her with the narcolepsy.

You've made quite a few changes - do you like the greek yoghurt?  I like the taste of it - had some with a curry and it really helped to take away the heat of the curry.

Sending you love and hugs   
Hope

[SenseOrgan]

sanmagic7
Not sure about the hairstyle thing. A little side business? Making a little extra $$, nice!
A narcolepsy treatment for your D was what you were aiming for, right? Sounds really good they want to do a sleep study.

Low energy can be such a difficult thing to tackle. In my experience everything matters. Diet, exercise, connection, meditation, a safe place to stay, etc. And above all, proper, restorative sleep. But it's all connected. And all ties into trauma which creates this stress marinade. I just throw everything at it as much as I possibly can. I sure hope the meds will tackle the restless legs. Would have a big impact on your sleep I reckon. Fingers crossed for both you guys 

[sanmagic7]

hey, hope, thanks for your well wishes.  i haven't seen her hair yet, but she assured me it turned out well.  she's been one of those people who 'don't like to hurt your feelings' so will lie about things.  this happened w/ some guacamole i made her, which she said she liked when i broached the idea, then when i gave it to her, the next day when i asked her how it was, she said it was 'gone!'.  so, i offered to make more for her when i could, and i heard a hesitation before she answered.  the next time i saw her, i asked about the hesitation, she admitted neither she nor her H liked it and they threw it out.  so, i'm skeptical about if she really likes her hair now.  trust goes out the window with that crapola.

SO,  thanks for your thoughts.  i agree, everything goes into everything to make the body/mind/spirit connection work at peak capacity.  sleep is my downfall here, but hopefully when i get to see a doc, i'll be able to get proper meds and they'll help. 

the hair thing is that i used to be a hairdresser, used to do this friend's hair a half-century ago, and she was running short of money this month, so asked me to do it.  as it turned out, after much incremental backing down, she didn't pay me $$.  but she has been buying my D and i food at least once a month, which has been so helpful.  so, at first i was disappointed, but i'm ok w/ it now.  it was just the way she did it.  hard to get straight answers or requests out of such 'nice' people.

my D goes for her overnite sleep study this week.  she'll be pinned up w/ electrodes everywhere overnight, then, the next day, she'll be monitored for her ability to fall asleep during the day and if she goes into REM sleep when she does so.  they're looking for 2 naps/ a day, but they'll be offering 5, 2 hrs. apart.

having a narcolepsy diagnosis will, we think, be a boon to her being able to get on disability from the feds.  apparently, one of the most common ways of treating this is to give someone speed/ritalin or its equivalent.  so, ok, they stay awake during the day, don't feel so tired, but i don't know what that means for being able to concentrate, focus, or even drive on a regular basis.  hold down a job, as it were.  we'll see.

i watched the movie 'thunderbolts' last nite, and, altho i'm not into the marvel universe at all, don't watch the movies, don't care about it, i watched this movie w/ my D cuz she told me how good it made her feel.  well, wasn't i surprised!  this movie represented visually the facets of c-ptsd and the aftermath - feeling alone, depression, anxiety, the darkness w/in, the things we've done in our lives that we wish we hadn't - all of it!  it was marvelous, and i recommend it to everyone here.  i don't need to watch any other marvel movies, either, - this one said and did it all for me.  i feel cleaner after watching it, stronger w/in myself.

[Hope67]

Wow SanMagic, I am intrigued to watch the film 'Thunderbolts' now.  I will try to look out for it.

 

[NarcKiddo]

It's a shame you didn't end up getting paid in actual cash when this was originally part of the deal. It is always hard when we are dealing with people who find it hard to give straight answers. However I'm glad you have a friend who has been helpful to you and that you have made peace with the situation.

Thanks for the information about Thunderbolts. I am not at all a Marvel fan, though I have seen the odd film and don't object to them. But this sounds really interesting.

[Blueberry]

she's been one of those people who 'don't like to hurt your feelings' so will lie about things.  this happened w/ some guacamole i made her, which she said she liked when i broached the idea, then when i gave it to her, the next day when i asked her how it was, she said it was 'gone!'.  so, i offered to make more for her when i could, and i heard a hesitation before she answered.  the next time i saw her, i asked about the hesitation, she admitted neither she nor her H liked it and they threw it out.  so, i'm skeptical about if she really likes her hair now.  trust goes out the window with that crapola

Oh, yeah, that's how I'm feeling with friend C now! Can I trust anything she has said to me in the last year?? I didn't know until all this stuff started coming out in the past 4 months that she smiles and swallows things, or even when she mentions something I did that crossed a line for her, she mentions it with no emotion in her voice so I never realised how bad it was, till my recent emails. So I feel for you. And I'm sorry she threw out your guacamole

the hair thing is that i used to be a hairdresser, used to do this friend's hair a half-century ago, and she was running short of money this month, so asked me to do it.  as it turned out, after much incremental backing down, she didn't pay me $$. 

I'm sorry about that too! Bit annoying to say the least. But good for you that you've made your peace with it. 

[sanmagic7]

hope, i hope you can find it somewhere.  it was marvelous to me how they handled the situation - not just dark and depressing, but meaningful.   

NK, me, either.  (i'm a superman fan myself, from waaaay back in the day, but the christopher reeves version was all i needed).  it just took a look at how these 'misfits' came to be the way they were, but done in such a way that it wasn't like some movies where it simply hits you in the face. 

and, yes, dealing w/ people who are trying to be 'nice' means, basically, they are liars, so it's hard to trust what they say when you want an opinion.  after i did her hair, i must've asked 10 times if she really liked it, even brought up the guacamole incident as an example of how she says one thing but doesn't say the truth.  i was brought up like that myself, and i know that where i live now it is what most people have been trained to do.  frustrating.  i think the payment thing was something similar.  i'll pay you.  i won't be able to pay you as much as i wanted cuz i overdrew my bank acct.  can i pay you a little today and the rest next week?  can we do this as a friend thing, you help me out cuz we're going on a family trip next month and i'm low on cash?  we can help each other out.  honestly, it was a whole thing.  ugh!  just tell me already! 

blueberry, thanks.  yeah, she's been very generous w/ us over the past year, even paying our rent raise for us and giving us food every month, so it really is ok.  but i would like it much better, and i don't doubt you do as well, if she'd just be straight w/ me.  her H was caught up in the guac thing as well.  when i finally got to confront all this, he was there, and i asked him if he'd liked it.  well, he looked like a deer in headlights!  talk about fawning!  it was kind of funny to see, but, no, hard to trust people like that.  very sorry you're going thru that with C, but i'm glad you're at least aware of it.  and i agree, when people kind of fluff off on important things, emotionless, don't give it the weight it deserves, somehow the whole thing ends up feeling hinky.  not a fan.

we had a great day at the book fair on sunday - my D sold a lot of books, which is wonderful cuz it'll help her not have to do delivering a couple of nights.  and, i goofed, her sleep study thing isn't till next month.  we'll see where that goes.

i'm in the process of editing her latest book, which i always enjoy doing.  it's good to keep my brain working.  but thank everything good for a thesaurus!!! 

otherwise just recuperating from sun.  was pretty dragged out yesterday.

oh, and i woke up from a dream the other night, and i do believe i felt the feeling of 'happy' afterwards.  it was warm and calm and just lovely.  it didn't last more than a few minutes, but that's the second time in my life i've felt that emotion.  no wonder everyone likes it so much.  it's the best.  i know excitement and anticipation, and they're both fun and 'up', but this was heavenly.  i wish i could feel it more often.

[Chart]

oh, and i woke up from a dream the other night, and i do believe i felt the feeling of 'happy' afterwards.  it was warm and calm and just lovely.  it didn't last more than a few minutes, but that's the second time in my life i've felt that emotion.  no wonder everyone likes it so much.  it's the best.  i know excitement and anticipation, and they're both fun and 'up', but this was heavenly.  i wish i could feel it more often.

I wish that for you too!
 
Those rare dreams of love and happiness are precious. I never forget them.
And it makes me smile your friend whom you cut her hair. I can just see you turning, twisting, trying to get the truth out of her... I'm also a bit like your friend, I often give an answer that is in the other person's interest and not so much my own. I'm a fawner big-time... workin on it But other fawners don't bother me at all. I just overrule them and give it to them (whatever) anyway.
 

[sanmagic7]

thanks for your support, chart.  feeling that feeling of happy was only the second time i remember feeling it in my life, so it was very special.  i remember it, don't know if i can feel it anymore.  i just remember it felt lovely. 

crashed pretty hard yesterday, altho i feel better today.  sleep always helps.  i just wish i could do so on a regular basis.  maybe after i see a doc, which won't happen until at least nov.  meanwhile, i'm being very stingy w/ my remaining meds.  gotta make them last.  the doses i'm allowing myself help, but i don't have enough to take what i need on a regular basis.  sucks.

so, off to the library this morning, and my D will finally get new glasses - she's been needing them for quite a while, just found out that they're covered by her insurance, so that helps a lot. 

the thought crossed my mind the other day that this may be the first year of doing any recovery work where i'm actually feeling better.  i'd heard that from people for so many years, that they were finally feeling better about life and living, and i haven't had that in over 35 yrs.  never.  i didn't understand it.  therapy, support groups, lifestyle changes . . . none of it made a difference in how i felt.  maybe some of that was also attached to not knowing myself very well, the situations which have ruled my life, the confusion, wondering what's going on around me, feeling 'off' or 'out of it' most all the time.  maybe the people i had in my life helped keep me from feeling good about me.  maybe a combo.  anyway, tentatively, i think i feel a little better, finally.  it would be nice if this hung around for a bit.

[Hope67]

I hope you get that feeling of happy again sooner rather than later, it sounds a great feeling 

  that you're actually feeling better in this first year of recovery work, that is great.  Hope it hangs around for quite a bit!