starting over

[sanmagic7]

DF and NK, thank you for your care.  the smoke is gone for now.  

it's 5:30 a.m., i slept for 1 1/2 hrs. earlier, now i'm sitting here playing games, typing here, keep asking myself 'can i go to sleep yet?' but something doesn't allow it.  i'm fighting with getting the temp in my room comfortable, worrying about the extra money for the a/c, then it's too cold, it's warmer in here than outdoors, why this room is so warm to me, i don't get it.  no air flow at all, my feet are too hot then too cold then back and forth, same w/ legs, pull the covers up, aaah, feels good, then w/in 5 min., i'm too hot, too many covers.  this is driving me freakin' nuts!

docs are on my mind, i told my D today i think she should get a new doc, she's asked for help, to write her a note saying she can't work cuz she's too tired all the time, doc told her she didn't do that kind of thing.

i got so pissed!   and i think part of my not being able to sleep is a hangover from that.  my D did say that she's thought of that, when she goes in next time, she's gonna ask again, and if there's still a 'no, i don't do that', my D is gonna tell her that she will have to find a different doc who will help her w/ this.

my D's brain goes on and on - the amount of thoughts that run thru her mind in ten minutes, she's told me, given me a 10 min. example of all the things she's thought of in that amount of time, and i just went - no wonder you're so exhausted all the time!  your mind gives you no rest whatsoever!

i was exhausted just listening to her.  and now i can't sleep.

[Desert Flower]

That's a tough spot, San, being exhausted and not being able to sleep. I hear you. It's what stress does to us. And it's an awful lot you're dealing with, it would take it's toll on anybody.
I hope you can have a rest at least, take it easy if possible, if sleep won't come. 

[sanmagic7]

DF, thank you.  you said exactly what i needed to hear.  i fight to fall asleep!  that's not conducive to rest, either.  the reminder to rest if nothing else really helped. 

[Desert Flower]

 

[sanmagic7]

yay, DF!  love you cheering in my corner! 

rest, yes, rest.  i'm writing this here to help it get into my brain so it will stay there and i won't forget about it.  so important.

took extra meds last nite and they really helped me get to sleep, sleep deep, which was good.  unfortunately, when i woke up this morning, i mis-read the clock.  thought it was 8:45, and yeah, that meant a good nite's sleep.  after i decided to be 'up' cuz it was late enough, it took a few minutes to realize it had only been 6:45!    what a goose!  so, i'm still tired cuz i could've gone back to bed but didn't - we had grocery shopping to do, and i had to take a shower, do my hair,    all that before we leave, so i thought it was time to get up and get going.  i don't want to make that mistake again!

i was    about it for a while, then decided to just  and call it a day.

[sanmagic7]

am sleeping better, but meds are a regular helper for me now.  still, i like this way better than the up and down of nervous bladder all nite, restlessness, intrusive thoughts - there are still plenty of them - and feeling unrested.  it's not where i'd like it to be, but i've run out of trazadone, which was a slight sedative and anti-depressant mix, and really helped me fall asleep and stay asleep.  hopefully, i get to see the doc in nov - i know, it's a long time to wait! - and she'll help me out.  it would be nice, even tho i'm dreading it. 

i've already rehearsed that visit.  too many traumas w/ docs, and on several occasions i've depersonalized, becoming the 'gray lady' who can't speak up, can't articulate what needs to be said, has no personality whatsoever.  quite the opposite of the real me, in fact.  i know what i need to say, what i need to tell her, what i need her to hear from me.  here's hoping i can convey all that.  i also have dread that there are too many things wrong w/ me physically - i haven't had good doctor care for such a long time, altho i've worked at living healthier.  we'll see.

lots of brain work to do at the moment.  am editing my D's latest book, and putting together a chapbook of out-of-the-way poetry/literary fiction work to enter for a publishing house.  we'll see, also, if anything comes of that.  it's good to get my mind focused on other things, altho i do have to be careful about taking enough breaks.  so, keeping busy right now.  it does feel more alive.