Sunshine and warmth's recovery journal

[Chart]

That was a beautiful post, Phoebes, thankyou.

[Sunshineandwarmth]

3rd December, 2024.

I am on the verge of a mental breakdown.
I walked away from a friendship, we had been friends for over 5 years. Her behaviour had hurt me on multiple occasions. It was finally time to let her go.
It hurts a lot. The throbbing pain in my head, the emptyness in my chest, the sinuses of my face, they all feel so heavy.
It would have been fine is she didn't love me back, I was dealing with that just fine, what didn't work for me was, she had never even realized how her actions or inactions were hurting me.
And I, I think, maybe, what if, what if she has her reasons. My mind is still making up excuses for her.
My heart is aching so bad, because it loves her so much.
I think, I should not let people hurt me just because I love them.
I could love them, I could still choose to walk away. Love, as it turns out, isn't enough of a reason to stay.
Respect and understanding are.

I hate that I still love her.
I love that I could never hate her at all.
I am sinking into this oblivion I don't think I would wake up from.

Bye.
S

[AphoticAtramentous]

If you're comfortable with it...

Regards,
Aphotic.

[Sunshineandwarmth]

Chart, uhm. I didn't understand your reply. Could you please help me understand it better? I really admire your responses!
Atramentous! A big fat hug right back to you.

I've always been so fond of hugs that feel like the other person has embraced my entire being. It feels suffocating. But for those 1-2 seconds, it makes me feel loved too. Although with C-PTSD, I'm terrified of the idea of a bear hug, but I remember, one of my friends does bear hug me. I love that. I think it all comes down to who we feel comfortable with. I feel comfortable being myself on this forum. Thank you Atramentous, I needed that.


3rd December, 2024

I think I don't feel safe within my own body. I am scared all the time. And when I'm not faced with an immediate threat, I make up scenarios in my mind where I'd be prepared to defend myself if a disagreement might arise. A hypothetical scenario, which could become a reality given I acted out of character, if I talked back to my father.
My mother mentioned something about getting me married. I have been mortified by the idea. If need be, I'd have to say no to my parents.
Then, they'd cry. And emotionally manipulate me. But no, not this time, this time, I am standing up for myself.
I am so scared. If he threatens me, or does something even worse, I am so scared right now.
As long as he is convinced that I'd make him good money when I find a job, I could keep him from getting me forcibly married.

I just need to find a way to become financially independent. That will help me get away from it all.


Any suggestions would greatly help me.


S

[Sunshineandwarmth]

4th December, 2024

Update:
My narcissistic father humiliated me in front of family. And he said, you are only helpful to people so that you could get something out of it. That hurt.
And he said a lot of other things along the lines of stupid and stuff that my mind can't recall now.
I think this is a protective mechanism, I forget what he said altogether.

But I am writing down a diary, and I'll notice the subtle changes in his behaviour. For Example, he humiliated me, this would usually be followed by him telling me he loves me or "allowing" me to have my monthly allowance that he has been holding back.
Nevertheless, I am looking out for his manipulative behaviour so that before I leave, I am a 100 percent sure, and when I walk away, I walk away for good. And that, he could no longer lure me in.

He said he knows everything I have ever done. And I think he might know about the forum. But there's no way he could find out. Right?

I have decided to emotionally distance myself, take a note of his behaviour and walk away when I have the ability to support myself.


I have hope.

S

A few hours later.
Update: He came into my room, when I had specifically told my brother to leave because I had an exam and I was studying, I couldn't say that to the father, and even if I did, he won't leave. So he comes, sits down next to me. Pretends to cry. Clenches his fists. And keeps staring at me. When I don't give him any attention. Leaves.

And also, he said my mother told him to lie to me about getting her tested because she was sick. He hadn't gotten her tested at all. He lied to me that he did take her to the hospital, and said my mum told him to lie.
My mum refuses these allegations.

Also, he has refused to support me any further.

[Mathilde]

Hey. I read a bit. Not all. I cannot concentrate much because of my own stress. But I read enough to know you are in a bad situation. And could use all the support you need.

I want to say you are seen. And heard. And worthy of love. All your dad tells you is a lie. Purge his lies from your mind. And know you are worthy. All your responses...whether stress or crying or the rest...are normal responses. You are normal and good enough person. In a bad situation. That is not your fault.

You ask for suggestions...three things that came to mind...

1. You need a decision. You wait for a sign that it is bad enough. In past and present abuse...I tend to wait...endlessly...until I am sure
  that it is abuse, it is bad enough, it isn't just me, it warrants leaving. Until I am mentally broken. And then some more.
  This too is normal. It is a trauma response. When I left my ex, in the years that followed...I started to see that it had been bad
  enough for a very long time. But being in it, made me blind to how bad it was. It became more clear with distance! Your dad is abusive. And it causes you to be on
  the verge of mental breakdown. You tried enough. You are free to make a decision to leave the situation
  that harms you. You need healing now. You are important. Good that you distanced.  

2. You need a plan. When in abuse, it is hard to see the exit. It is hard to think straight. I wish I had suggestions, but that is hard for
  another country. Maybe you wrote about it. But is there one trusted confident. Who you can sit down with. And make an exit plan? A
  practical plan: living, finances, social support, trauma therapy, etc? Maybe a social worker, a pastor (churches and maybe also other
  religions have diaconate = financial support), a school counsellor, a domestic violence organisation? I know options here, but not
  there...sorry. There are charities here...they match a person in need with a stable family...where they can live in. For a very small charge. Maybe there are charities like that where you
  are?   

3. Is there anything that gives you purpose? Maybe faith, maybe a concrete dream for your future, maybe a person that is special
  for you, maybe wanting to find back the real you underneath the trauma, maybe a job you'd love? Can you write your hopegiving goal in your plan? What you dream
  of for yourself? Not just "I want to get away from..." but also "I want to move towards...".

I am cheering for you to find the strength to stand up for yourself...and find the means to do that...     

I am always a bit scared to say something wrong. I'm in such a stressful situation I cannot always say the right things...feel free to tell me if it is not helpful. Maybe I said things you already wrote. Then just take away: I'm sending you kindness and hugs.

[Sunshineandwarmth]

Hey Mathilde,

You didn't say anything wrong, love. I feel so supported by your words and I feel so understood and seen.

1) I feel like it comes from cognitive dissonance, I detach and then he lures me in by telling me he loves me. And my FOO tells me that I am being negative and I should definitely give him another chance (this happens when he starts crying infront of everyone). Or if I say no to anything, he either: guilttrips me, or threatens me.
2) The thing is, he would definitely kill me if he found me after I have left. That is one thing I know truly. He would kill me, if I am not dead by the time I leave. He is capable of that. He has made such threats before and I am scared what if he is reading over my shoulder?
3) What gives me purpose is, maybe, I could in the long run, make a difference for people living in the same situation. I don't know how I am going to do it, but I have hope I'll figure out along the way.

I don't want to die.
Also, he is pretty manipulative and knows alot of people. It won't be long before he finds me if I attempt to leave right now.


Why is he doing this to me?
I am so scared, I have done absolutely nothing to him and he hates me so much. I have been hating myself all my life because of him. I want to stop hating myself now.

I'm sorry if this post is too long.

S

[Mathilde]

I am sorry. I wish I could do something. I can just send you all my supportive wishes.

1. I know. I did and do the same. Cognitive dissonance is tough. It is hard to break through, when there is still contact. You are
   not negative. You are truthful. The abuse you describe is really bad. He has a major problem. And you are not at fault. Tell
   yourself. Over and over: I am worth more than this.

   I wasted years trying to convince them. Being lured back in. Being upset about smaller bullying. And reactive to every little
   pinch and prod. When I should have focused on the core thing: how to keep my own mind sane, and keep myself and my child safe,
   and get us out.

   I tell you...because I think this is important for you as well. I was so upset, every time dad lied, or called me fat, or
   gossipped with family. I argued with them. In circles, because they blocked every true talk. And all I should have done, was kept
   myself sane and got out with my kid.

   Decide what are the core things for you. Maybe to be physically safe, to stay sane, remember he is an abuser, to not get into a
   marriage you do not want (i think that was a topic?), to make an exit plan. It sounds hard, but I mean well. All the littler
   bullying...with weight, with calling you weak for crying, saying you negative, etc etc is meant to distract you. And keep you in
   control. When you keep someone dizzy by turning and twisting them...they won't be stable enough to run. Decide which things
   really matter to you. And go for that. Let all the smaller things slide. The compliments and the putdowns. That's his problem. I
   know it is real hard when you are in the midst of it. But I hope it works for you.

2. I am quite startled that he threatened to kill you. That is huge. I am so sorry. No wonder you are stressed. Dear sunshine...I
   believe there is a safe and loving place for you. Somewhere. But it is not in his house. 

   There are two kinds of abusers. Some really kill. Some play mind games. They span a net of fear over you. Making you believe they
   will kill you as you leave. To frighten you so, that you do not leave. But they do not kill. Because that would hurt themselves
   too: they'd be stuck with the consequences, like jail.

   I do not know which of the two he is. But I take you seriously. Be very careful.

   My ex threatened femicide and kidnapping our son and tracking me down everywhere. I was terrified. Because I knew he could do it.
   I saw it in him. But I risked it. And left. With my kid. He did not kill me. He tried to get my kid through the courts. I won. I
   was terrified of him revenging. But it was silent. He took his loss. And left abroad. And we were free of him. All that time he
   played mind games with me. Like our own little family cult. Some abusers do this...it is a game. 

   It is also possible there is a real threat. I do not know your dad. Take very good safety measures. Please keep yourself safe. At
   that time, I checked, and there are domestic violence shelters with high safety profile. They do a lot to keep their clients
   safe. Exactly in these type situations. They also have other measures, like alarm systems, where you wear a button to call the
   police and they come right away. Not sure what options you have there.

   Could you make an anonymous call...maybe with another telephone...to the police or a domestic violence shelter? To see what they
   can do in such situations? They have dealth with this type pepetrators before. If there is a threat of murder...you need
   organisations like these...not a random pastor or social worker sitting with you. Or a girl writing well-intended messages on the
   internet.

   I wish I could help.

   I wondered. Do you have family abroad or in a faraway city? That he would allow you to visit? So you could leave from there? And
   be further away from him? Or someone further away you could runaway to?

   Also, is there a way to use safer internet? And shield your writings? Also be careful with diaries. My mum stole mine "to help".   

3. I heard you say you have hope. That is good. I am sure you can escape this. Strengthen your mind. And be a help to others. Hang
   on to that.

I find it a bit hard to help. I am afraid of saying something wrong. That gets you hurt. I hope others will comment if I give bad advice. I am not a social worker or police officer.

Lots and lots and lots of strength. There is hope. You can find a better place than this. And get stronger.

[Sunshineandwarmth]

Dear Mathilde.
I am incredibly grateful for your post, it has helped me alot. Thank you so much, love.
Responding to Dear Mathilde, Journal Entry for December 7th, 2024.
I feel like I have become numb, I don't care what he does or says anymore. It used to hurt, back when I was still coming to terms with how could someone I loved all my life, my best friend, could hate me so much. But he has hated me, to the point that I had started hating myself, I wanted to end my life when that happened. And, none of that mattered to him. He told me, he didn't care. He never did, his actions proved his words. I loved him, and he made me hate myself, and I don't know if I ever want to be in love with anyone ever again. I don't know if I'll ever allow anyone in my life. Love, maybe, is not for me, maybe not right now.
I'll tell you why, because my best friend is in love with me. And instead of being happy about it, or all those butterfly feelings, I am wondering why would he love someone like me?
He deserves better. This is me seeing myself from my father's eyes.
Deep down, I know, I am love itself. I don't even need to look for it, its all inside me. Just trapped, waiting to come out in gushes, to flow. To flow for an eternity. It just needs to come out first.
2. He didn't threaten to kill me outright. He didn't take me to the ER, when I couldn't breathe. And he, threatened to break open my jaw, and beat me up if I self-harmed again. And also, he went on a holiday with his friends, when I had told him I was having suicidal tendencies.
Also, he stares at my chest and crotch. And used to slap my butt all the time and make comments about it. He stiff sniffs me from time to time and rubs his hands on my back to feel the straps of my bra. Sometimes, he offers to sleep next to me, this happened when him and I were alone at home. Tell me something please, I have seen this behaviour all my life, for people with healthy relationship dynamics, is this a normal thing? What does a normal family feel like? What is different?
He says all the time, you should see how people live on the streets, with nothing to eat, you're so much better than that. Because you have me as your father.
As long as I don't talk back to him or disagree with him and obey him, he won't harm me physically. So I am trying to physically protect myself right now.
He has a strong network, and the police and shelter homes in my country are next to none. The police won't even pick up if I called them. But he, for sure, would find me in a few hours, and that would be the end. So I need to have a fool proof plan.
Also, he has refused to allow me to visit my uncle abroad. Since the said uncle doesn't have a family and he doesn't trust men. He won't even let me go the gym when there are men there (in our country there are allocated times for women, and other times, both men and women can work out together). He said all men are predatory.
I have blocked all my family members on social media. I don't even have a real social media, it is under a different name. I am so terrified of him ever finding that out.
Yes thank you for reminding me, I need to hide my diary.

You have helped me alot. Your words, they have encouraged me. I feel like I am not alone. I feel like there is someone out there, who does really care about me. Thank you for that.

Also, my sister said I tell her negative things about dad, so I could get in his good books and she is isolated and distant from him. She thinks, I am being nice to him because of selfish reasons, she isn't aware if I ever disagree with him, he would do God-knows-what to me. But her words did hurt. My mother said the same.
Those words hurt.

Also, as I am writing this, I am terrified of the idea, but, if, he were to ever come across this, he would kill me for sure. Or physically incapacitate me, or I don't know what. I don't even want to know. I am so scared.

Please I want to be okay, God. Please.


S

[Mathilde]

1. Being rejected by a father cuts through your heart. Tell yourself daily that you are good enough. Your friend knows you well and loves you. What does he like about you? Can you write it down? I made a page for myself with kind words I received from others once: you are an empathic person, you are honest, etc. Can you ask friends what they like about you?

Being stressed and being in love is a difficult combination. What is your friend like? How do you think about him?

2. All the things you describe cross sexual, physical and emotional boundaries. All. Nothing you mention is normal. Trust yourself. You know. 

I had an unsafe FOO. An unsafe ex. And then a safe ex. A widower with a teen daughter. Tell me: do you want me to describe in more detail how the safe family deals with the things you mention? You can absolutely say no, maybe it is too painful. But maybe it will help you see what a good boyfriend or father would do. And what is unacceptable. To know your boundaries. The main thing is I feel relaxed with him. I do not need to hide my feelings or likes or needs. He is consistently safe. Also if I disagree.  He is honest. Zero games. I have not once been afraid of him. In eleven years. (OK that is a lie...I have been afraid...but that was me...my attachment trauma, in the beginning...not him).

Also, you mention God. I absolutely do not wish to evangelise. But if you believe in a God, there is a song that got me through superhard times like these. It is also more generally comforting, I don't think the word God is even in it. Do you want it? Or rather not?

[Sunshineandwarmth]

12th December, 2024

I am at the edge of an emotional breakdown. My mind is collapsing, I have an exam, I have not taken a bath in a week or so, or brushed my hair or my teeth. I don't know how long it has been since I washed my face.
My friends checked up on me. I have realized, maybe I am too available, which is why, people take me for granted.
There was this guy that I had been crushing hard on for nearly 2 years or so.
He said I am incredibly triggering and annoying. And I am confusing and there is no point in him talking to me.
He knew about the sexual abuse feom my father.
All he said was, stop messaging me, I keep my messes to myself. I hope you get the reassurance you need. Have a good life.

I was shocked. I still am shocked. Am I too much, and confusing and triggering? He said there is no point in talking to me. Is that true?

This is an incredibly difficult time for me, my live language is physical touch, I desperately need someone to talk to, I need to fall apart in someone's arms right now. I want to hide my face in their chest and sob for a really long time. All I need is that, right now. The reassurance that when I am falling apart, they would hold me. I could cry for as long as I wanted to, and they would never leave.
I need a shoulder to cry on, and a chest that makes me feel like home. I want a home. I really do want to be at home.
It feels like I am dying, slowly. Or maybe I am already dead, I just don't know if I have passed through the denial of being dead or not.

PapaCoCo, Chart, Kizzie, Mathilde, Armee, Atramentous, Kia1212. Desert Flower.
Thank you for being my friends. I love you guys so much. I really do. Wish you all were here, we could have huddled together in a hug. I am crying, I am sorry. I love you all so much.

I have nothing to say anymore.

Love is signing off,
S

[Mathilde]

Dearest Sunshine,

Stay around a bit longer. We do not want to lose you. We - I take the freedom to speak for the rest too - see your struggles. We are only human. But we send you pieces of hope and kindness as good as we can. If we were there, we would give you a big hug. And make a shield between you and the people hurting you.

Sometimes, when we are abused. We run after people who are bad for us. Like your father or your crush. And we shy away from people who care. You have friends who check on you. You have a friend who loves you. You have people here who care. Let go of the hurters. Seek out the helpers. Not everyone can cope with a person in pain...for all sorts of reasons...and it is better to focus on those who are willing to be there for you. And take you as your are. Then grow a stronger self inside you. And you will be able to have better friendships. With give and receive. This is possible.

My colleague came from such an abusive family, that as a little girl, she slept in the woods. And only went back in the winter. Alone in the woods was better than her home. They nearly broke her. She thought there was no exit. She wanted to die. But when she was a young adult, she left, and found a loving husband with parents who took her in as a daughter. A stronger self. A job she was good at. She is happy and strong now. She took a job caring for abused children! You can do this too.

Would you be willing to take a challenge? I have three little assignments for this week. That I would love for you to do. Would you want that?

1.   I would love if you promised us here, that you do not harm yourself this week. You would help us greatly with that. Would you?
2.   I would love if you call a domestic violence hotline. If that is safe in your situation, I don't know if your family checks the phone. Tell the DV line your situation. And ask them for practical advice. There is an exit. But you need to find and open that door. Your family won't. They are stuck. They will not change. I am sorry. You see the problem. You can change. Ask the hotline for advice. Just one call. Go search for the exit door. 
3.   You want touch. I understand. It is my language too, and I miss it. But someone here wrote they gave themselves the kindness, their mother could not give. Can you find a way to be kind to yourself? One that suits you? And do it every evening? Maybe a hot shower with a nice smelling shower gel. Maybe touching your cheek gently as a mother would. Maybe using nice body oil after shower. Maybe spending time to brush your hair. Spend a quarter each evening being kind to you? 

Feel free to refuse. You are the boss of your life. Dearest Sunshine. It is not yet time to give up. You are young. And there are routes to a better life. Use your imagination...visualise it...every time your dad scolds you....picture us there...standing between you and him as a shield...and hugging you after for comfort.

[Hope67]

 

[Sunshineandwarmth]

Hey Maria,

Thank you. I feel like you have a very big capacity to understand my pain. It takes a massive heart to listen and empathize. I am learning to try and be that too.

As for the little girl who grew up to work with abused children, I kinda have the same life plans too. I am just scared to not live up to it. The "what ifs" come in the way. I know I can do it. I just think my caretakers would be horrified that I came from the same place as them and didn't turn out the way they did. I am just scared of not protecting another child from something I wished I had been protected from.

I am doing better after your message in the past few days. I need to cry, and I could imagine you all huddled here, and I could cry. But I don't know. I would really love if someone physical were here — someone I could relax my body in, lose all tension, and lean on, and they would let me.

But I really love that you suggested the big hug. It gives me tingles in my body. Like I get giggly, like a child when their parent adores them and tells them they love them.

I am scared to admit that I have never been loved. Haha. But I would want to be someone who doesn't make other people feel like that — unloved. So, I am working on that.

I will try to be kinder to myself. I have an exam on Tuesday. I am working on that. Hopefully, I will find kinder ways in my approach to that. Can't say I am not scared, but a friend said being scared and doing it anyway is courageous. I am working on being courageous. It will take time, but let's hope. I am hopeful.

As for the domestic violence helpline, I can't do that. I really can't do that. It would be extremely unsafe for me and my mother. I need to find a way out by myself for both her and me.

Her... God, I wish she had someone to protect her all her life. I wish I was her mother, and I wish I was that little girl's mother who I was.
I think I am becoming one.

As for one kind thing today, I won't be doing anything that gives me anxiety today — just for one day as a start. People give me anxiety. So, I'd spend time with myself and my books. I'd feel sensations in my body, and I won't suppress them. I will let them be fully felt so they can eventually go. Painful, but breakdown is the breakthrough, right?

I am looking forward to more of your responses. I loved your response. It gave me hope. It gave me something to look forward to, and it made me think maybe the world is not so bad after all.

Also, how do I support my friend who is distressed but won't open up about it? I know because I know him, but he is not very expressive and downplays everything. I respect his boundaries and I told him exactly that. So, I said to him, "It is your choice, but because of what I feel, I would drop you a Bible quote every night for a couple of days." That would be a reminder that God is here (he reads the Bible and loves God so much). Is that enough? Is doing that enough to show that I care for him? Because I do.

At the same time, I give so much, people might get suffocated and tell me to get a life. Haha. What do I do?

Give him space, right? Just the quotes. And listen if he opens up, right? But don't push, right? Would that be okay to support him?

Also, how much is too much?

Love and Light,
Sunshine

P.S. Hope67 
Chart, love, how have you been doing?

With Love,
Sunshine on a Rainy Day.

[Desert Flower]

Hi Sunshine,
I only read your last post, I have to pace myself.
I'm really sorry you're struggling so much.
You really are a loveble person, very much so. We all need love. That's actually what I learned can heal trauma: love, not logic. So I'm sending you love, even if it is not physically. You are not alone.
What I've also learned is there are ways to calm our nervous system down, even when you are alone. Especially when you are alone, I would almost say. That is through my breathing excercises (I do box breathing, very simple, very effective). And just knowing we can calm down, makes me a little calmer already sometimes.
I think what you are doing for your friend is very good and enough. Just a little act of kindness can make a world of difference.
I hope you can find some peace. Big hugs  I hope you can feel it.