Cautiously hopeful, Grateful to be Here

[kittenintheyarn3]

Hi! I'm 34 (will be 35 in May) and grew up in a severely dysfunctional family. There was every type of abuse I know of- psychological, emotional, physical, sexual, substance-related, spiritual, and financial- as well as neglect if basic needs, both physical and emotiinal.

My maternal grandmother took my father's life when I was very small and got a light sentence due to "mental incompetence". She abused me and my mom and my mom abused me too througuout my childhood. My abusive alcoholic step-dad was killed when I was 13. It was never proven but I suspect my grandma did it again.

I was not allowed to express myself in even some of the most basic ways- punished and insulted for how my voice sounded when I talked at home, not allowed to cut, fix or even PROPERLY clean my hair, shave my legs/armpits, wear bras and deoderant, wear clothes that fit ANY fashion sense (even including extremely conservative fashion sense like my numerous Mennonite classmates) but had to wear ill-fitting poorly matched clothes from the dumpster instead (even if I found something cute in the trash I couldn't keep it)... Was berated for my writing, told my academic achievements didn't matter (I actually got a presifential award handed to me BY the president at that time but it still didn't matter to Mom) and mocked when I attempted to better myself through fitness (by my family- not my peers).

I was told I was "demon-possessed" and subjected to confused hillbilly exorcisms by my mom who identified as a witch and was oddly influenced by Pentecostal Christian traditions somehow. These would be brought on if I talked to myself, blinked my eyes when I would imagine things, sucked my thumb or chewed my zippers, twirled my hair or otherwise did aanything to self-soothe. And if I tried to do yoga or count to ten or use any calming technique I was introduced to in school.

And I would have my food taken away and be punished physically and sexually if I expressed anger, did anything I wasn't supposed to (whether I knew what it was or not), or cried uncontrollably as I often did, while being screamed at that my life was wonderful.

I attempted suicide the first time at age 11 and have had a total of 3 attempts. I still struggle with the thoughts somwtimes but I'm working through it in therapy. In the last ten years I have gone from a 48 to a 4 on the dissociative scale so I think I am getting better.

My mom died when I was 19. After successfully isolating me in my early 20s, my grandma sold me into prostitution. I escaped when my handler was arrested on other charges. My grandma died when I was 29.

I met my current husband 11 years ago. We have been together 10 years, though the first few years were rough. Our early relationship was very abusive but we are both in therapy and working hard to recover now and things are much better save for the lingering pains of the past.

I struggle with feeling not good enough even now. I struggle with my weight, self-image, and emotional regulation. I struggle to keep up with other people. I struggle with health challenges- I am immunocompromised, in addition to having polycystic kidneys, EDS, and being intersexed. 

I am also autistic and have the accompanying sensory issues. Mental health wise I have been diagnosed with CPTSD, anxiety, and depression. I have nightmares almost every time I sleep and I struggle greatly with sleep. I had a stroke when I was 24. BUT I'm still here.

Looking to the future, my goals are self-acceptance, high quality interpersonal relationships, emotional regulation, happiness and fulfillment. I identify as a Christian personally these days (not the hellfire and brimstone type, but the verse Inlive by is 1 John 4:8 "God is love". and find an active prayer life and theological study add a wonderful new depth to my life.

I am NOT judging you if your beliefs are different, but those are mine. Your experiences that led you to your conclusions are likely different too!

I haven't met you yet, but I am choosing to love you, friends! I believe all of us here could use more lobe and acceptance so I will be the change I wish to see.

[Blueberry]

A warm welcome to the forum, kittenintheyarn, intriguing name  

Can't manage to read all your post, don't take it personally, I'm kind of sick atm, but from what I saw, seems you've had quite a lot of adverse stuff to deal with. I hope you find comfort on this forum!

What struck me about your post is your theological study, because I'm beginning to learn more about Christianity and even turn to it. I sing in a church choir for instance and find especially sung prayer 'my thing'. 

Hope to read more from you when I'm able.

[NarcKiddo]

Thank you for sharing a little of your history, your now and your beliefs. Welcome to OOTS. I look forward to getting to know you a bit more.

[Papa Coco]

Welcome to the forum. Your heart-tugging story is well written. I'm sorry that it all happened, but impressed by how well you understand how you got to where you are.

No one should ever have to go through everything you've been through, but this stuff happens even though it shouldn't, and I'm forever grateful that people here on the forum are ready to help and support each other when much of the rest of the world still doesn't know how to support one another.

This is a safe place to be believed and supported after this crazy stuff happened to and around us. I'm glad you found the forum.

[Lakelynn]

Hello kittenintheyarn3,

Thanks for finding your way here and posting. What comes to mind immediately is religious trauma syndrome. I say that because I grew up with extreme deprivation linked to "belief." I also have lived through (violent) deaths caused by others and those who have taken their own lives.

When life is incredibly cruel, as yours has been, caring people over time allow some pieces to be integrated again. You have lived this long, and will continue to do so with your inner strength. 

[Kizzie]

Hi and and a warm welcome to OOTS kittenintheyarn.  You have been through so much like all of us here and I hope being here will help you.  We've heard so much but it's still hard when a new member joins and lets us know what they have been through.  Glad you are here and I hope it helps you.

Kizzie