Hello all

[Awb1988]

Hello, im 36 and I have experienced repeated sexual assaults as young boy again in my teen years and during my active drug addiction. I am 5 years clean and I have decided to try and engage with others who might be experiencing the same things I am. The other night I was triggered by my partner saying they were expecting retaliation from a conflict involving a co worker. Within seconds I crumbled and entered a panic hyper vigilant state for 4 hours before passing out from exhaustion. Retaliation was something I've been afraid of growing up with a Bipolar father who picked fights with anyone and everyone.

I have experienced trauma in many ways. And I don't deal with the feelings but have buried them. I became addicted to drugs and put myself in dangerous situations that were similar to the abuse I faced as a young boy into my teens. I'm un trusting, shut off and it just grows and grows. I'm glad to be here because at least I've done this much after 25 years.

[Papa Coco]

Awb1988

Welcome to the forum. Your story is serious, but I'm very impressed by how well you understand your struggle. I was fifty years old before I figured out why I was so self-destructive and untrusting.

This forum has a lot of caring and understanding people on it. I'm sorry for why you had to find it, but I'm very glad you found it.

I hope that the people here are able to give you a place to share the things that want to come out and be heard. For me, anyway, being heard and believed is the best part of this forum. It's nice to at least know that others believe us and want to hear what we want to say.

Again; I extend a very warm Welcome to you.

[NarcKiddo]

Welcome. I'm sorry you have been struggling with all of this. Well done for coming off the drugs. That is a huge achievement.

[Awb1988]

Thank you. First steps but it's comforting to know I'm not alone...I hate that anyone feels this way but I glad we're able to share and support.

[Kizzie]

Hi and welcome to the forum Awb, you are definitely not alone and you can share as much as you're comfortable with.  Members here just tend to get it, and that can be such a good feeling. Glad you found your way to Out of the Storm!

[Bermuda]

Hello, welcome to the forum. I hope you find some community here.