My Story- Part 2 (trigger warning)

[Rizzo]

Hi,Coming back after the previous post..
Thanks for the nice comments, I needed that.
I will continue from the point where I left off..
The diary was everything to me, the only place I couldn't talk and express myself, He was my only friend.
My reality was too painful for me.
I started having suicidal thoughts from a young age but at this point it was too much.
When I was a child I was happy and energetic but after what happened I became sad. My sisters always told me I was pathetic and whiny.
My loneliness suffocated me, It felt like I couldn't breathe.
What scares me the most is that I continued to meet with X even after everything that happened even after I knew he r*ped me.. not only with him but also with the other guys. I knew it was wrong but I still continued to do it.
I don't know why, maybe because I wanted to feel not alone, to feel loved in this twisted way.
He made me feel special, he manipulated me, told me he was the only person in this world who cared about me.
And it's not just him, there were many more after him. I was brutally r*ped every day for a year and a half. i was ro*fied when I was 18. I have many stories unfortunately.
It is what it is, there is no choice but to live with it..
but how can you live with something like this? how can you live with such traumas? so many traumas, it feels like i can't breathe.
Every day is to re-experience it.. Repeating it over and over again in my head. trying to understand what I did wrong and how I could change it.. but I can't.
Sorry if I triggered anyone.
Hope you are having a good day again, thanks for the comments, see you again later

[Bermuda]

I don't have much to say here that I didn't already say, but just know that your feelings are normal for what you experienced. It's easy to try to blame ourselves to explain the bad things that other people did to us, because or minds go in this loop trying to make it make sense. Our brains are like filing cabinets and it tried constantly to put that file into the correct cabinet, but it doesn't fit anywhere within normal experience. You can't make sense of it. Rape never makes sense. It's not justifiable, and it's not your fault. Sometimes when we go through these thoughts over and over again, we try to change how we behave to prevent things in the future, and unfortunately it feeds into the CPTSD hypervigilence and can be a difficult hole to climb out of.

I hope that helps and doesn't sound too negative. I know for me it helps knowing that these feelings are not unusual, but rather the experience is.

[Papa Coco]

To tag onto what Burmuda is saying, I was told by my therapist that I'm a normal person who is dealing with and abnormal situation. The r*pe is an abnormal situation that nobody could take lightly. I was abused sexually only a few times as a child, and I'm profoundly affected by it also. It's a seriously confusing data point that, like Burmuda says, just doesn't fit nicely into any rational part of our brains. But there are so many of us who have this ill-fitting experience to deal with that by sharing with each other, we can sort of accept that this was not done because of who we are, it was done because the people who did it to us had NO respect for anyone, not even for themselves. There is no way to justify the evil in these people. What they did was wrong. And in most cases, we were not their only victims.