Toddler tantrums

[PaperDoll]

I am feeling very triggered by my 2 year olds tantrums. I end up in a spiral of shame and despair. I feel like I am not good enough to be his mother. I am very depressed and anxious. I don't feel like I have anyone to turn to. Grateful for any words of support at all.

[NarcKiddo]

I do not have children so cannot respond from a place of total understanding.

I do know that I had epic tantrums as a child and that my mother could not handle them or stop them. I wonder if you might have had a similar experience as a child, which may explain why the tantrums are triggering for you, because that would mean that the tantrums are more to you than your child doing what kids of that age do.

I can certainly say that you are good enough to be his mother. The very fact that you are questioning yourself and feeling that shame and despair shows just how much you care for him. I'm really sorry you are struggling with this. I think anyone would struggle in the face of a full on terrible-twos tantrum. Just  love him. He will absorb that love and benefit from it. Maybe you also just have to let him tantrum it out to a certain extent, while being there as a calm presence to reassure him. I'm winging it here, because I have no advice to give from experience as a parent, but I think that is probably what I would try to do.

There are many people on here with direct experience and I hope some of them may be along with advice soon.

 

[PaperDoll]

Thank you NarcKiddo. I have tears reading your reply. 

[Bermuda]

Hi PaperDoll, I have two kids. One never had tandrums and was born an extremely reasonable, questioning, observing, and patient person. I have another child who was born brave, goofy, emotionally volatile, fearless, and a bit reckless. There are huge outbursts. I get overwhelmed, over-stimulated, and am not always my best. I've very fortunate to have two children who are opposites. It has taught me that so much of their character, preferences, and emotions have nothing to do with us as parents. Most of it actually. They are their own people.

Being a parent is hard. We are held to an impossible standard. The things your child does are unlikely because of you. If you are reflecting on your actions and reactions, like NK said, it's good. It's better than most. I would offer advice on how to cope with meltdowns, how to react, what to do, but I can't. I know that your child is 100 percent different than mine. Your values are probably different than mine too. The one thing I try to do is to remind myself that it's not personal. It's not an attack on me. It's not about me. I put up a wall there, so that I can be what my child actually is needing at that time... Whatever that is. I don't want to be the one who puts out her fire, that's something that I value in people. So, as long as you are thoughtful and try to be intentional, it's okay to mess up. There's something about being humble and trying your best but accepting your own flaws and shortcomings that teaches a child to be able to see themselves the same way. We're not perfect. We're just trying. That's okay for both of you.

...And if other parents give you side-eye, they have yet to have been humbled my nature. 

[PaperDoll]

"We're not perfect. We're just trying. That's okay for both of you" Thank you Bermuda