Curious about past behavior - would love your thoughts

[storyworld]

I am learning more about me and my reactions and behaviors that stem from childhood gunk. I've also read that ADHD/ADD type behaviors can actually be caused by structural dissociation, which is interesting to me because there is one person in my life who is convinced I have ADHD, yet when I've previewed symptoms, I don't feel I do.

Anyway, I exhibited two childhood behaviors I find odd and wonder if it was me disconnecting from an unpleasant environment or if I was simply, well, odd. One is, supposedly I frequently slipped into a fantasy world where I'd develop this elaborate storyline and would then share it as if I found it real. I would present it as my reality. And the second is that apparently I walked into walls and things often. Not as in being clumsy, but as in being flighty. (Granted, I don't remember any of these actions.)

[Blueberry]

One is, supposedly I frequently slipped into a fantasy world where I'd develop this elaborate storyline and would then share it as if I found it real. I would present it as my reality.

This reminds me of the fantasy world that the Bronte siblings wrote of in childhood and interwove with their daily life.

That aside, it sounds to me as if maybe your fantasy world was such a good escape for you from your sufferings in childhood that it kind of took over? I'm sure you were disconnecting, rather than 'simply odd'. Children can do the most incredible things to stay alive in adverse circumstances.

And the second is that apparently I walked into walls and things often. Not as in being clumsy, but as in being flighty.

Sort of rings a bell with things I've read on dissociation but no wherewithal to look.

[Bermuda]

storyworld, as a child I created elaborate stories to cope. Sometimes I would tell them to other people to make things make sense for them in order to shield myself from the truth, and I also had an elaborate fantasy in which I created a whole new life, and every evening as I laid in bed I added a new fake day to my imaginary life.

I am super flighty. Not sure I ran into walls, but there were most certainly childhood signs of my hypervigilence and acute sense of threat.

It's hard to say what is what. I have also wondered about neurodivergence, but to me CPTSD is fairly certain, and at least these behaviours are exasperated by if not rooted entirely in trauma. I'm not sure if how I think about myself applies to your experience, but maybe it helps. So, even if there is (in my case) ASD then it would be the relately miniscule mound atop a vast nest of festering ants.

[Blueberry]

It's hard to say what is what. I have also wondered about neurodivergence, but to me CPTSD is fairly certain, and at least these behaviours are exasperated by if not rooted entirely in trauma. I'm not sure if how I think about myself applies to your experience, but maybe it helps. So, even if there is (in my case) ASD then it would be the relately miniscule mound atop a vast nest of festering ants.

 

idk if you can have structural dissociation brought on by something other than trauma?? But it seems likely that for us with cptsd since childhood who also dissociate - well, seems likely it's connected. Occasionally someone with 'something else' like ADD or HSP has suggested that's probably what I have, but they haven't known about cptsd.

I think there may have been discussions on this very forum suggesting that cptsd is a form of neurodivergence so no wonder people with other neurodivergencies think we may have them.

If you don't feel you have ADHD then I'd trust yourself on that one! I was given a book to read on HSP by another patient but I didn't see myself, except where some symptoms overlap with cptsd. The latter is confirmed and imo is enough on its own! Plus somewhere on dissociation spectrum. Enough, enough. 

[storyworld]

storyworld, as a child I created elaborate stories to cope. Sometimes I would tell them to other people to make things make sense for them in order to shield myself from the truth, and I also had an elaborate fantasy in which I created a whole new life, and every evening as I laid in bed I added a new fake day to my imaginary life.

I love thinking that you had this lovely reprieve to slip into. I love thinking that, perhaps, this brought you some sense of joy. 

[storyworld]

I tried to quote part of your response, Blueberry, but it looked like I was quoting the full post. haha! Thank you for your encouragement. (In both of your posts/replies. I do quite enjoy storyworlds--still (hence my forum name).

[dollyvee]

Hi Storyworld,

I was reading on signs of PTSD in babies/infants and apparently clumsiness, or flightyness I guess, falling, stumbling into objects etc is one of the markers. I think CPTSD also fit here.

Sending you support,
dolly

[Libby183]

Hi storyworld.

What an interesting line of thought.

Like you, I had a very elaborate world, which I escaped to so much of the time. It was definitely to escape the pain of my existence.

And I have been thinking around neurodivergence for many years. In my case, ASD. This has become more pertinent since sharing a home with my asd diagnosed son. We are very alike.

However, what your post has made me realise is that my neurodivergence is more likely cptsd. My ds has never read a novel, let alone written a story and would never create an alternative world.

I am aware that I come across as autistic, but that's the overlap in symptoms, I suppose.

Another little bit of the puzzle put in place!

[Awb1988]

Your not alone. I use to make up a fantasy life in my head or focus on a fictional character I wanted to emulate and would move forward as though I were them. I would tell people MT father was dead when he was very much alive and other little things. I would sit in the shower for 45 and fully dissolve into my fantasies. I kicked myself alot because I felt like a liar but I think really I had dissociation issues because I'm reality was so dark and very lonely.