Elpha's Newest Journey

Elphanigh · January 20, 2024, 08:49:50 PM

Hi all! Some of you know me from a long time ago. I have tried to come here a few times but lost my account and finally figured out how to get it back. There are and have been some major updates in my life and trauma recovery. I figured I would write a small little intro post before diving into it today. I am not sure what or how much I will update on but I am excited to come back here for a bit to have a space to put these things.

To those of you who I already know, I am glad to be back and hope to catch up a bit on things here but it will take me time

woodsgnome · January 21, 2024, 01:09:20 AM

Hey, Elpha -- so excited to see you here again! Take yer time, as they say, loping back to this new/old/new place of acquaintance. I kept wondering/hoping if you'd reappear here at some point ... and here you are ...

Armee · January 21, 2024, 02:34:12 AM

Glad to see you here.

Elphanigh · January 21, 2024, 04:29:54 PM

Hi Armee and Woodsgnome! It is good to see/hear from you both. I am glad to have come back. I think as soon as I sent that message I got into a million other things so I have not really gotten to spend time updating yet.

A lot of it boils down to truly learning more about my FOO and how abusive my D was to me. I have had a lot of repressed memories return and struggled with a lot of difficult moments of acceptance and grief. I am definitely deep in grief this week which is part of why I felt the need to try to come back again (glad it worked this time!).

Thankfully, I am still with my wonderful partner (we even have our own place now), at a job I love, and able to function despite the intensity of my trauma work right now.

I will share more specifics soon but it is good to update even if just vaguely.

Hope67 · January 21, 2024, 04:36:44 PM

Hi Elpha,
Good to see you here - glad you're enjoying living in your new place with your partner, and enjoying your work too.

I know you are processing quite a few feelings at the moment, and so sending you a hug of support with all of that.

Hope

Blueberry · January 21, 2024, 05:08:57 PM

Hi Elpha, It's good to hear a little update from you. Hope to hear more if and when you have time. Realisations about FOO send me spinning, so sending

to you.

P.S. There's a private section for Journals now which some of us journal exclusively on and some of us have a normal 'open to everybody' journal and a private one, just in case you're wondering.

Elphanigh · January 24, 2024, 01:15:52 AM

Hope67, thank you for your kind words! It is good to hear from you

Blueberry, so good to hear from you as well. I did not know that about journals. Very cool to know that there is now the ability to keep a private one. I will look at that for stuff that I may want more to just myself. I haven't gone through to look at all the changes yes

Elphanigh · January 24, 2024, 02:50:32 AM

Sort of a brief update (I might add more in the private journal space when I am able).

I can't really remember what I shared in my earlier journals about my more recent healing journey so if some of this is a repeat... oops. It is helpful for me to type it all out though. I will sort of organize it so it is easier to read.

**TW** There will be small mentions of CSA but no details **TW**

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First major update is that I have had sooooo many repressed memories come back about my family. Especially my D who I knew was kind of crappy but did not understand why I had such a difficult time with him. All of my repressed memories have been of SA and PA from him that I so drastically needed to dissociate in order to survive living with him for all of those years.

The second big part of that revelation is that I was not even truly able to walk when that abuse likely started to occur. It is earlier than I knew or really could imagine but body memories and such have ensured that I understand that it was real. I went through a pretty big period of grief over it and am still truly trying to come to a full acceptance.

Other than that trauma narrative-wise, I am just getting a lot of pieces that fill in blanks that I did not even know I had.
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Change of subject: My M had a heart attack around a month ago. She is recovering and okay but it was terrifying and brought back even more of my conflicted feelings toward my FOO. I realize I have not seen everyone in like 3 years and unless my M was truly on her death bed... I couldn't bring myself to fly and visit. Even with the heart attack... I decided not to go home to ensure my own well being. Had she shifted for the worse, I would have but It would take someone dying or almost dying at this point. It is hard to see that my relationship has shifted so much.

Elphanigh · January 24, 2024, 02:53:48 AM

This is more of a positive post.

I have been living with my partner for like 10 months and it is going so well! Certainly an adventure but something that I am so glad for.

I am still absolutely loving my job and learning to be better at it every day. It is much less often that my own trigger gets brought in and I feel more resilient in my work as well as more skilled. Plus I have my full independent licensure which is even better! That was such a long goal. I am about 4 months away from finishing my Registered Paly Therapist certification as well. Big things and exciting ones at that

Hope67 · January 24, 2024, 08:52:51 AM

Hi Elpha,
I have read both your posts - and relate to your feelings about the need to dissociate in view of CSA from your D. Thank you for writing about your feelings relating to that. You spoke of getting a lot of pieces that fill in blanks that you did not even know you had. I hope that you are ok during this process, and that your partner is able to be supportive. I am so glad you're enjoying the adventure of living with your partner, and 10 months is great, I'm glad it's going well living together.

Really great that you're loving your job and feeling more resilient in your work as well as more skilled. That is really great. Congratulations on achieving all of that, and getting your full independent licensure. I feel sure you are and will be an amazing therapist and help many people.

Anyway, if it's ok, I'm also sending you a hug

Hope

Blueberry · January 24, 2024, 03:31:08 PM

Quote from: Elphanigh on January 24, 2024, 02:50:32 AMChange of subject: My M had a heart attack around a month ago. She is recovering and okay but it was terrifying and brought back even more of my conflicted feelings toward my FOO. I realize I have not seen everyone in like 3 years and unless my M was truly on her death bed... I couldn't bring myself to fly and visit. Even with the heart attack... I decided not to go home to ensure my own well being. Had she shifted for the worse, I would have but It would take someone dying or almost dying at this point. It is hard to see that my relationship has shifted so much.

BBM - Good for you!

I can really resonate, except that I'm no longer sure I'd go for a death bed scene either. But the conflicted feelings etc, I get it.

I'm really sorry about all the repressed memories and that you were so young when it started

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Congrats on living well together with your partner and your growth in your profession plus loving it! These things are so good to hear!

Sometimes newbies on the forum ask if it can get better. I sometimes write that there are some mbrs on the forum who manage to beat (a lot of) cptsd and I especially think of you.

I hope it's OK to write that. I know you have done A LOT of hard work to get where you are. I'm sorry that there doesn't seem to be an end either, just more repressed memories.

Elphanigh · January 24, 2024, 06:29:24 PM

Hope67, I greatly appreciate you relating to what I wrote

My partner is truly supportive and one of the most helpful people in my life with all of this. I could not imagine or ask for anyone more supportive, really.

BB, Thanks for celebrating my decision to not go see my FOO. The complicated feelings we both know so well are challenging and seem to come up anytime I have to make that decision. I can't yet bring myself to go no contact but maybe one day that will be a route I tread. It is a thing I think about sometimes.

Also, you are so sweet for saying that you think of me when you write about members that get better and beat a lot of CPTSD stuff. It is always okay that you write that and it made me smile a lot. I am working a ton in my journey but I do still feel like I have gotten so much better! I am at a point where I can enjoy my life, even when I am working on repressed memories. My trauma no longer knocks me out or decides for me what I do with my life. It is still hard at times but the person I was when I first found this forum feels like a completely different person.