Hope's Journal 2024

[Hope67]

Thank you Dollyvee 

*******
16th May 2024
I watched a film a couple of days ago, which I found very good to watch, as a younger part of me really focused on the experiences and issues raised within that film. 

Trigger Warning (TW) it is about CSA

The film is called 'The Girl Who Escaped: The Kara Robinson Story' - it is based on a real life story, and the girl was just 15 years old.  I just found the portrayal of the girl, and what happened, and how she reacted and the issues that were portrayed, it really helped a younger part of myself.  There was a point in the film when someone said "Just give her some time, she's processing a lot" and that also helped me.  I thought to myself that with regard to all my own issues from back then, that nobody ever took any  time whatsoever to consider my feelings, and how I was, and I never had time to process things.  Infact it's only really now, in my 6th decade of life (mid to late 50's) that I'm actually beginning to take time to process things - and I have only just really got my nervous system to focus on a less hypervigilant stressed state, so that I can begin to process things and see things.

I still find it very clunky to try to talk about any of this, and I've not done much of that verbally - I can write, but it feels clunky when I try to do that.  Sometimes I think that I might try some therapy to force myself to say things 'out loud' - as I feel that would be helpful, but I also don't feel I want to do that, as I fear how that whole thing would be.  I struggle currently to even see a medical kind of appointment, let alone face attending a therapy session.  I do know I could do it, and I could approach someone that I saw before, but somehow I don't want to.

I didn't realise that I'd end up writing this - it wasn't at all what I intended to write when I came here - but my rule of not editing myself, I'll leave it there.

Hope 

[NarcKiddo]

I once commented to my T that I thought it was a shame it took me so long to see that there was a problem with my FOO and their treatment of me. Not just a shame; I was kind of berating myself a little for being so blind and stupid for so long.

She stopped me berating myself. And I am glad you are not berating yourself, Hope, but recognising that you have never, until now, been in a position to start processing things. That's similar to what my T said to me, and she also said that she believes we do not start processing things until we are ready. Sometimes we have to live under false impressions and blunder along as we always have because our psyche is simply not ready to contemplate anything else. We've created our protective mechanisms for a reason.

I started doing therapy via writing because it felt easier. It gave me time to marshal my thoughts into something coherent rather than trying to respond on the fly. It felt more comfortable to do that. And it helped me to start processing some of the main issues so I do not at all regret starting in writing. I don't think I would ever have moved on to verbal without doing stuff in writing first.

When I started face to face therapy (via Zoom with the same T I had been doing some written therapy with) I was surprised by how much easier, and at the same how much harder, it was than I expected. Easier because my T is very gentle and understanding and will not push me anywhere I am reluctant to go. She will pick up on things I am finding hard, and will revisit them from another direction, but never in a way that is too tough. Harder, because I thought that I had already done the "betrayal" of my FOO in writing. And yet saying it out loud was different. It felt like a "betrayal" all over again, but it also brought it home to me much more. It made their abuse real in a way that me just writing about it did not. Voicing something is surprisingly powerful - even if you have no listener. So maybe, if you think it would be helpful to say things out loud, you could consider just saying them in the privacy of your own home. You could see how you feel after voicing something and then maybe have a better idea of whether voicing it again to somebody would be something that might help you. I have sometimes just read my writing or posts out loud.

Discard if not helpful, but wanted to share the thought with you.

[Armee]

I'm glad you allowed yourself to write this Hope. It's really important.

I think there's inner wisdom and when it's time to reach out to a therapist you will. You've done a ton of really important work regulating your nervous system and that will really help make great use of your time when you do see a therapist.

And when you do...you don't need to go into the difficult stuff right away or quickly.

[woodsgnome]

Your writings are always honest, wise, and from the heart. Thank you.   

The painful stuff, as you note, is impossible to fully express. Especially as most of the hurt was senseless to start with. Describing it for others? Well, on here at least there's no dire necessity for any more than what you feel comfortable about. That much of it could ever come close to feeling ok about is nigh impossible. We all know that hopeless feeling, and how scared and vulnerable it is to violate our peace by struggling to find a way that feels safe.

It takes courage just to be here, let alone find words that can fully numb the pain.

There's never any absolute need, either here or in therapeutic settings, to share any more than feels okay at any given moment. It's precisely that courage that shows in the ways you do choose to express yourself so honestly, reflecting that deep heart of yours.

Continue to take care of your heart, Hope. May it be your guide in this process; we're all walking with you as well.

[Blueberry]

16th May 2024
I didn't realise that I'd end up writing this - it wasn't at all what I intended to write when I came here - but my rule of not editing myself, I'll leave it there.

Good rule you've got there, Hope! I think what comes out in this form was meant to come out. I remember back to when it was so hard for you to express on the forum. So, I see again and again how far you've come all through self-work - you read what you need, you do or did online conferences, you think, you write, you feel into things, you support others on here, you integrate into your daily life, do things with your partner, partake in 'normal' life, day-to-day things but also do a lot of self-care     You do and achieve a lot, Hope

16th May 2024
I still find it very clunky to try to talk about any of this, and I've not done much of that verbally - I can write, but it feels clunky when I try to do that.  Sometimes I think that I might try some therapy to force myself to say things 'out loud' - as I feel that would be helpful, but I also don't feel I want to do that, as I fear how that whole thing would be.  I struggle currently to even see a medical kind of appointment, let alone face attending a therapy session.  I do know I could do it, and I could approach someone that I saw before, but somehow I don't want to.

A lot of wisdom and courage in this whole paragraph, Hope, and your own inner response and wishes very clear.   

I second Armee and woodsgnome, and lots from NK! And thanks Hope for writing because it's given me something to think about and NK's response to you contains some very helpful stuff for me atm.

[Hope67]

Dear NarcKiddo, Armee, Woodsgnome and Blueberry,
Thank you all for what you wrote.  I am going to re-read what you each wrote in the coming days, as I want to really take it in, and process it - because it means a LOT to me that you wrote those things.  Thank you 

********
18th May 2024
I am feeling so grateful for everyone's support and care here, I can 'feel it' - which is a strong feeling, quite an emotional feeling.  It's a precious feeling too.  I am thankful for being able to feel it. 

Hope 

[Papa Coco]

HOpe,

The clunkiness in knowing what to write is perfectly okay. I can really feel the complexity of your emotions in your writing. It isn't clunky to me, it's heartfelt. You're feeling a connection to a movie, and now you're reaching out to your friends for support. Nothing clunky about that. I do it from time to time too. There have been a few movies that have done this for me as well. The line you describe proves that someone supported a woman in ways that you wish someone had once supported you. I have felt that same emotion in movies too.

I agree with the others, write what you feel like writing. No more, no less. Let it be clunky if that's how it comes out. We're not English teachers, we don't grade the posts.  We all seem to know that each of us sometimes just needs to reach out and feel that there are supportive souls surrounding us.

We're surrounding you now. What you're feeling is unique to yourself, but we support you because we've felt similar things, and we will likely feel them again.

We all want to give and receive the support we once missed out on.

[sanmagic7]

you know, hope, it really hasn't been that long since you've begun to write your thoughts/feelings/emotions in an unedited fashion, so, to me, it seems the clunkiness is warranted.  we're all clunky to some degree when doing something we haven't had a lot of practice with.  the fact that you're writing your truth here deserves much recognition for its strength and courage behind it. i agree, it shows how far you've come thru your hard work.

as far as getting into therapy, that's something that will come or not - i like armee's mention of inner wisdom. if/when it feels important to do so will be your time. 

so glad you're here, hope. i see your growth.  love and hugs

[dollyvee]

Hi Hope,

I too remember how you struggled to say things and would erase them or tear them up, and am honoured to be a part of your journey and progress. I think therapy has been a great benefit to me to feel less contracted in myself let's say. However, it's not easy and my life, and more importantly, the idea of safety in my life has undergone changes. Do I feel more safe and capable now? Definitely, but I've also had to let some connections and ideas go, but I'm glad I did it.

Sending you support on your continued journey and progress,
dolly 

[natureluvr]

thought to myself that with regard to all my own issues from back then, that nobody ever took any  time whatsoever to consider my feelings, and how I was, and I never had time to process things.  Infact it's only really now, in my 6th decade of life (mid to late 50's) that I'm actually beginning to take time to process things

I had the very same experience.  I'm also close to your age. 

I have only just really got my nervous system to focus on a less hypervigilant stressed state, so that I can begin to process things and see things.

This is a huge step!  You deserve a pat on the back for this.   

[Hope67]

Dear PapaCoco, SanMagic, Dollyvee and Natureluvr,
Thank you all for what you said.  I really want to respond individually, but I've been feeling a bit stuck with my ability to express myself in the past couple of days - and I can't generate sufficient energy to manage to do that!  But I really appreciate what you each said so much.  Thank you. 

*********
28th May 2024
I do feel lacking in energy this past couple of days, and like I can't manage to get very much done, and can't express myself.  However, I would like to write some things here, and especially about some things I've recently read - and therefore I hope I can enable myself to do that in the coming days.

Hope 

[Armee]

 I hope you can too
  

[NarcKiddo]

 

I am sorry you are feeling lacking in energy, but I think it is good that you have noticed it. Sometimes it is a sign from our bodies that we maybe need to take a little extra time to nurture ourselves. So I hope you have an opportunity to do that and then build up the strength to do the things you want to do.

 

[Hope67]

Hi Armee and NarcKiddo,
Thank you   

I have been able to do more things today - so I think the energy is coming back.  I am happy about that.
Hope 

[Blueberry]

   to you Hope