Hope's Journal 2024

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry,
Thank you so much, I was feeling upbeat when I wrote that.  Definitely!      Thanks also for the hug 

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22nd March 2024
I found it really helpful to re-read a couple of my old journals, here in the forum, and I've not quite finished that process yet, but I hope to do so in the coming days - I'm making some notes, and I feel like it's been helpful to see the things I'd written about before, and to really re-process things, and the other thing I found helpful was re-reading things people had written to me in my journal - there are so many really helpful things that people said - so thank you all so much 

I think that I could stay present more with my feelings and reactions, and with what people had said, and that's thanks to being able to feel that my system is more 'regulated' - I think that doing more somatic type of stuff has been incredibly helpful to me.  That's another reason why I'm so happy to have ordered and received that book about polyvagal yoga stuff (by Dr Arielle Schwartz) - I feel ready to really enjoy that book, and see what I can get out of it.

**Trigger Warning - mentioning a documentary about CSA and discussing my feelings relating to that.**

I want to write today about a documentary I watched last night - it was called "Tell Me Who I Am" - this is a documentary about twins (Alex and Marcus Lewis) and it's described as being about 'Memory, identity and complex bonds of brotherhood in the face of a dark family secret'.  I watched it all last night, and I was really struck by so many things about it.  It really was helpful for me to watch it.  I related to a lot of things within it.  It was also helpful for my partner to watch, as he had some light-bulb realisations when he said that he understands a bit more now why I am unable to 'let it go' - i.e. why I end up obsessively 'looking into' family secret type stuff, and can't 'let it go'.    Apparently, they have also written a book - the title of their book is "Tell Me Who I Am: Sometimes It's Safer Not to Know" - I've written the title incase I decide to try to get hold of that book - but I'm not sure I need to do that, as I found the documentary was plenty enough for me.

I have no idea why I'm phrasing things like that - it sounds a strange way of saying something.  Anyway...

I wanted to write more about my reactions and thoughts about it, but I think it's quite hard to allow myself to do that - because I have parts who are reluctant.  I did have quite a strong EF this morning - because I think I was still processing things relating to that documentary - and my partner wanted to talk about some stuff relating to practical things we need to organise.  I found I then went into a strong EF reaction, and ended up crying, BUT I did try to explain how I'd been triggered and why I was reacting in that way - and we did talk it through, and it's ok! 

I am feeling so much better this afternoon, and we've been having an enjoyable day today - we've been out together and done some nice things - with a feeling as if we're on 'holiday'.  So it's been a nice day.

I have felt quite selfish to be focusing so much on re-reading my own journals, and felt like I was neglecting responding in other people's - and that is true, that's what's happened, but I also think that I've considered that I've been fixing my own 'safety net' before then venturing to support others - I had also read some other people's journals again as well - but didn't feel able to write anything further at that time. 

I think this time of year is harder for me than some other times of year - mainly because Mother's Day was in March - I am pleased that's over now, and April is getting closer. 

Hope 

[Larry]

    

[Hope67]

Thank you so much Larry 

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23rd March 2024
So far today, I've been able to do the things I wanted to do.  I've written a couple of letters, I've baked a couple of cakes, and I've been for a walk with my partner. 

I started to read a little of Arielle Schwartz's book last night, and it made me feel calm - because I feel sure that it will have plenty of calming things that will help me continue to regulate my system.  I only read a couple of pages, but I am excited to read more of it. 

Hope 

[woodsgnome]

Here's to finding more of the calm you need and deserve in your life, Hope. Sometimes it can feel so hopeless; I hope you continue unrolling the map towards a future filled with healing.

[Papa Coco]

Hope,

I'm happy to hear you've gotten some energy to accomplish some things. That's great news.

[Hope67]

Hi Woodsgnome - thank you so much.      I love that you wrote about 'unrolling the map towards a future filled with healing' - that sounds ideal. 

Woodsgnome, while I was re-reading one of my older journals, I noted down something that you wrote in it - so I want to mention it again now, as you've popped by my journal - you wrote "While you're supposed to move on to the present, it seems a lot of issues in the present can only be understood and solved by understanding your past.  But there is also a point where understanding your past doesn't give insights as much anymore and become ways to hurt you.  So ask yourself - Is it giving more insights or is it just hurting you?"  (I found that incredibly useful and insightful, and wanted to thank you for saying that). 

Woodsgnome, there was also something else you wrote (recently I think, but I can't remember where) and you mentioned how you'd viewed your past family relationships as being like taking a journey on a bus with them, and therefore your journey now is one that you take without them there, and the journey is different - I realise I've not used the words you used there, but I really found it helpful to consider that in terms of my own journey - i.e.  yes, I had a journey with FOO in the past, but now they are definitely not on my bus anymore, and I'm driving it somewhere else, and having a new journey. 

Hi Papa Coco - thank you so much     It was good to have some energy to accomplish some things. 

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26th March 2024
I thought I could write more now, but it seems I can't right at this moment.  But that's ok.  I will be able to write more soon - I'll wait till the moment feels right.  Then write!
Hope 

[NarcKiddo]

I hope your onward journey continues the way you want it to go. And here's to all of our buses being filled with the right passengers.
 

[Armee]

I'm so glad you are finding more and more relief Hope.

[Hope67]

Hi NarcKiddo, Thank you - I definitely hope all our buses are filled with the right passengers 

Hi Armee, Thank you - I am glad too. 

Sending hugs to you both, NarcKiddo and Armee   

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30th March 2024
I find Easter weekend more stressful.  For so many reasons.  BUT, I'm coping reasonably ok, and managing to do some nice things today - I'm trying not to resort to comfort eating to manage the emotional side of Easter weekend - I think I'm doing ok. 

So far, so good.

My partner told me I've been shouting out in my sleep more this past couple of days - apparently last night I was saying 'What are you doing?  What are you doing?' (with a distressed tone to the voice).  He had replied to me 'I'm not doing anything, I was sleeping' (until I woke him up by shouting out of course!)  He told me that it's 'better than it used to be' in that I don't jump out of bed now - I stay in bed, and seem to calm again.  So that's good.  I didn't have any memory of that happening though.  Sometimes I am aware of night terrors, and can remember them, but not last night.  I had no memory of it at all.

My dreams in recent weeks have been far more realistic.  I've been alongside people in a potentially work-like scenario.  I've also had a couple of dreams where I was in a stately home (with a heavy Gothic vibe) and there were various family members around - and I discovered that my partner wasn't keen to be left alone with any of them, which fascinated me, as I thought it was more 'me' that was the one who was traumatised by contact with FOO, not him.  But I think the dream was telling me that maybe a lot of people (traumatised or not) can find it challenging to be alone to talk to relatives etc.  I felt 'less alone' with it, realising that.

My partner did say today 'Does Easter affect you?'  I said 'Yes, but I'm handling it better than in previous years' - he responded that quite a lot of the year seems to affect me.  I tried to say that I felt I was better than I'd been in previous years - he acknowledged that I have - but I think maybe he'd like me to be 'over it' by now.  I realise this might not be what he was saying - I could be taking it negatively.  Anyway, I'm doing ok.  I'm having quite a reasonable day - and it's only half-way through the Easter long weekend - I hope it will be ok.

Hope 

[Armee]

Hi Hope. I relate to your post and the vague feeling that your partner wishes you were over it by now. Sometimes I feel the same vibes from my H but after talking I realize that well of course he does. I do too. But that he understands and it's more feeling helpless. I find it's really helpful when instead he points out things that seem to be getting better. I should tell him that. 

  hugs to you for getting thru easter.

[dollyvee]

Hi Hope,

This is just my interpretation so please ignore if it doesn't feel right. I wonder if your husband in your dream is a kind of transferance where he is a "normal" part of your life, and is seeing the FOO for who they are. That other, "normal' people would also be traumatized by them, and it's not just "you."

I remember reading a long time ago when I was first starting to pull away from my family that other people don't like change sometimes because they like you as you are, and change can be difficult for them because it means doing their own work. I was, of course, reading this in the context of an unNPD family, but perhaps it also means that there's nothing "wrong" with you for doing what you're doing. I hope you were able to have a good Easter weekend with your husband.

Sending you support   
dolly

[NarcKiddo]

Well, you've got through Easter and out the other side and I hope it was at least OK throughout.

[Little2Nothing]

I empathize with you Hope. I find most holidays to be very difficult. 

[Hope67]

Hi Armee, Thank you - I appreciated what you shared concerning things that you and your H say in these circumstances.   

Hi Dollyvee, Thanks for sharing your interpretation - it's a helpful one!  The interesting thing for me also was that in the dream, my H wasn't able to talk to a member of his own FOO - whereas I would have assumed that he would have wanted to - so that was also an interesting thing - maybe I assume that people's families are happier and more together than they actually are.  Sending you a hug too Dollyvee - thank you 

Hi NarcKiddo - Yes!  I got through it - and out the other side.  It was actually better than I thought it would be.   

Hi Little2Nothing - thank you so much for sharing your empathy.  I appreciate it.  I hope that you found the holidays to be better than you anticipated.  I found that it was better for me in the end - although negotiating my way was a bit challenging.

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3rd April 2024
I feel quite positive about things today. 
Hope 

[NarcKiddo]

I feel quite positive about things today.