Dear the people who made me (possible TW?)

[str_grl]

To the people who made me, I don't know how to be a part of your life anymore. I love you but you hurt me so much. You told me you loved me while I was all alone handling everything and doing things that children should not have been doing. I fight each and every day to be able to do basic things, like go to the grocery store and work. It breaks me that you don't understand that you made something so simple so hard for me. It breaks me that I literally just go to the store until I'm too panicky then I check out and leave. This is not how I would imagine my dream life or even how I'm sure you imagined my life should be. I know you did your best and I still don't understand how your best is not good enough. But your best was not good enough. Being in charge of controlling the medicine lock box starting at ages 10-18 because one of you might overdose yourself was not something that I should have been responsible for. And some things you couldn't help, like involving me in your work even though you worked with people who hurt children. You did your best to keep me safe and you did keep me safe but I was alone and there was no one to keep me safe from you. No one to be there to help me navigate life but you were there to tell me exactly what I should do, how I should do it and when I should do it even if it's something I shouldn't have been doing because it's something you should have been doing. I was just alone. I understand that those times were all so hard for you but I don't think you understand how hard they actually were for me. How they have made me afraid of so many things. I just live my life afraid and feeling unsafe. I waited for the longest time to even tell you it affected me but now it's like you want to remind me that it was hard for you. I was a child. I did not choose to come into this world. You chose to bring me into this world and now I can't imagine why you did not value me. You thought buying me things would make up for the fact that I had no emotional support and was constantly criticized. What you did made me not value myself and to see everyone as more important than myself. So yeah I understand things were hard for you, but I don't want you to breeze past the fact that they were really hard for me and I was a child. Also why didn't you go ask for help or go to any number of places for support on raising your children. Instead, we had to learn to live with a mother with borderline personality disorder and a father who is constantly working to try to support us and our mother and was emotionally absent. I also want you to understand that your fear rubbed off on me. Mother, your fear of men and the fact that you chose to call the authorities on the men I love to the most has created this fear and me to be angry. I'm afraid that if I'm angry I'm going to have to go to jail.
I love you. I'm just trying to figure out how to love you and how have you be a part of my life. I know you will never see this but I want you to know that I'm trying. I'm trying to move past it all, well through it all. However, that is about as hard as anything else in the world. I love you but loving you hurts me.
Love, your daughter

[Phoebes]

I can so relate to so many sentiments you have for your mother. It helped me to realize that "I did the best I could" is a line straight out of every abuser's playbook. They all say it. But, DID she do the best she could? Your feelings are accurate. She did not value you. It's what makes a narcissistic personality so glaring and painful. Painful when it's your mother, someone you love and want a good relationship with so badly. So sorry you've been born into this. We here understand.