First post

[Dina]

Hi everyone

My story is very long and complicated, I have survived through all sorts of trauma. Worst of it in childhood but it didn't stop there. I've had depression and suicidal thoughts for as far as I can remember. I started drinking at 14yo and that saved my life. I was still able to function.
Somehow I still became a very productive and independent adult. I moved to another continent, I built a successful career,  achieved financial security, started a beautiful (neurodiverse) family with a good man, and moved to the apartment of my dreams. And my life seemed perfect on the outside.

In 2020 while researching why my kids were wetting their bed, I came across definitions of CSA and a memory was unlocked. Long story short, my life as I knew it started to crumble. In November 2021 I went no contact with my mother. In January 2022 * started for me. I couldn't work anymore and fell into a severe depression. I was diagnosed with C-PTSD,clinical depression, and anxiety. Got medicated and started weekly trauma-focused therapy.

Today I'm doing better, but I still have bouts of depression and anxiety every other month or so. After 18years, I quit my job because I'm not 100% stable, and because I'm no longer that person. My kids are being affected by my situation, and so is my marriage. I live far away from my family and have no close friends.

I'm trying to  find a community because I feel rather isolated on this journey. So I'm glad I found this place!

[blue_sky]

Hi Dina,

Welcome to OOTS 

Firstly thank you for sharing. I can understand how difficult it is to share one's story. I also wanted to let you know that you're not alone.
I also suffered from CSA at the hands of sibling and cousin and later from various other predators that could probably see me as a weak prey.
I was also always good in my studies, completed high school, moved countries, completed undergraduate, have a full time job, two mortgages, married and with two little fur baby doggos. Everyone thinks I have a perfect life and there should be nothing that I should be complaining about.

However, when I moved countries and got access to better mental health services, my situation started getting worse (Ironic right?) But that was entry to adulthood for me.
The more I realised what I had been through, the more it started affecting me. I couldn't dissociate as easily as I was back in childhood when I was "living" the abuse.
The downfall was quite rapid and steep.

The healing journey has been quite tedious and slow but I am getting there one step at a time.
Hope you have the right resources and a good team of professionals to help you go through the healing journey.

And here's a hug if you're okay with it 

[NarcKiddo]

Welcome, Dina. I am sorry you are having these difficulties and wish you all the best on your healing journey.

[Armee]

I almost could have written this post, down to having to leave a career of 18 years.

Welcome to the forum. 

[tofubreadchillicoriander]

Hi, Dina. I relate to CSA and drinking at 14yo. I consider myself an addict as alcohol can be a trigger for me when I'm under stress (the temptation is to reach out for that glass of drink).

Sorry you're going through so much right now, though I'm glad you're getting support. It gets worse before it gets better.

Just my opinion but I think it may help that your kids have their father to connect and regulate with and explain to them that you're going through a rough patch. Your well being is the number one priority (of course, kids matter too). As we hear on the plane: you've to put your Oxygen mask first before that of the kids. I'm rooting for you and sending support to get through this.

[Blueberry]

Welcome to the forum Dina   I'm glad you found us.

It's so hard when a memory is unlocked. And also when that means that we can't keep on as we've done - have to give up work etc. I hope you find as much support on the forum as I've found, especially in bad phases. People really get it here.

If it feels safe to you, here's    If not, ignore.

[storyworld]

Hello, Dina,
Welcome to the forum. That sounds like a painful and maybe confusing experience. I can relate to the sudden life disruption. My journey began almost two years ago, and like you, I was hit by a rapid and deep downward spiral related to trauma. I knew I had a challenging childhood but hadn't realized how painful it had been, nor how deeply it had affected me. I remember feeling like I was drowning and honestly wondered if I'd survive (or want to). Praise God, life has become much more manageable! I've learned coping strategies that have helped me get better sleep and not remain in perpetual hyper arousal. And I've begun to recognize my triggers and am learning to separate the past from the present. I say that to, hopefully, offer hope in that, at least for me, the journey hasn't remained as intense. I hope you find encouragement and support here.

[Dina]

What a wonderful way to begin the year 

I want to thank each one of you for this amazing welcome!! Reading your messages I can feel that I'm home. You not only get it but you have lived through experiences similar to mine and come through the other side. That is so positively overwhelming and inspiring   

I wish you all a great start into 2024 and may this be your best year yet!! 

[Papa Coco]

Welcome to the forum, Dina,

Thank you for sharing as much as you did about your life. It takes a bit more courage to open up than we realize, but I see it as just that: Courage. And I'm impressed by it.

I've been on this forum for 2 1/2 years and I've found that the kindness and connection has never faded. These people are beautiful and I'm very glad you found the site also.

[Kizzie]

Hello and welcome Dina, glad you found us