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[cptsd1579]

I've finally found the name for what I've been trying to diagnose for 23 years - I've been misdiagnosed, misinformed and chased for 20+ years(I realized I needed to do something because something wasn't right with my behavior and I needed help) through all sorts of programs.

I'm grateful to have found support here, and grateful that at my bottom in early December, I had some strength to reach out to a dozen or so friends and let them know I was having a mental and emotional crisis.  I underestimated how much people loved me, even those who I hadn't spoken with for 10 or 15 years.

My Mom was likely CPTSD as well; she was a good human who loved me, but the combination of her inability to show affection, to nurture me and my other siblings, plus inviting a Catholic priest who was a serial pedophile into our home and let him take me on 3 separate trips, one of which I left a hotel room somewhere between Ohio and New Jersey with a couple quarters in my pocket and not having enough change to call home to my parents because I was afraid.  Even if called them, I don't know if they could have found me.

Fortunately, I spoke up when I came home, and many children in the city I grew up were spared of a pedophile ring that was ultimately exposed.

The dynamics of a tumultuous upbringing with no affection, no return love and a Dad who didn't step in let to me being reckless, even though I maintained a cover on the outside as a high functioning athlete and student and friend, albeit one to get black out drunk and vandalize homes and cars and other immature behavior.

In 1999, I started therapy due to my marriage engagement breaking off - I went to the local library looking for help for some of my reckless behavior, and I came upon the 12 steps and other programs.  Members of the fellowship appreciated my 4th step inventory, but politely told me they didn't think I was the same as them.

I tried and tried to be accepted into recovery communities, but something always didn't feel right; this was especially difficult to process considering I was being told I had to surrender and that everyone thinks they are "terminally unique".

It wasn't until this year when I learned that "freeze" and "fawn" existed in addition to "fight" and "flight".

Everything clicked for me this Summer, yet the financial consequences tied to reckless spending in my business and "fawning" and advocating for my Mom who passed in October all have come to a head in the last 30 days or so, leaving me completely shut down.

Fortunately, a few friends saved me and I've been able to reconnect with a psychiatrist's office who had my files from years ago.  Even more of a blessing, he connected me with his NP to ensure continuity of care, and I'm in my first 30 days of a prescription. 

The medication has given me just enough space to use the tools I've worked so hard to learn over the last 20+ years.

I'm in the process of filing bankruptcy, live in a trailer with my dog, am likely being laid off tomorrow at work in less than 90 days after closing my business after 12 years, and looking for any work I can get just to cover my rent, trailer and truck plus food for me and my dog for the next few months.

Yet now knowing truly what has eluded me for so long makes me feel extremely free on the inside.

With my Mom passing, removing the stress of my business and the likely discharge of the majority of the debt I've accumulated while I was in an emotional "freeze" for 3 or 4 years, plus the reckless spending, huge burdens have been lifted.

Yet with all that stripped away, I'm feeling now the same fear and desperation and despondency and confusion and bewilderment I felt in that parking lot at the pay phone with not enough quarters to call my parents and not knowing where I was to be picked up, realizing that the only way I'd get back home was to go back in the hotel room with a predator pedophile.

As repetitive and triggering as this and other flashbacks have been and new ones I'm discovering, I remind myself that I'm an adult now(Robert), who's taking over the work that Fun Bobby(the reckless wild one) was trying to fulfill in protection of Little Bobby.  Fun Bobby never meant wrong, but his behavior(s) were merely defense mechanisms to protect Little Bobby from having to feel fear and rejection and shame.

Now we're all on the same team.  Fun Bobby doesn't have to do what he's not capable of, and he trusts Robert that he'll take care of the adult stuff and we'll both take care of Little Bobby.

[Larry]

welcome 

[Bermuda]

Hi, welcome to the forum. There are so many here who can relate to finding out late, and being misdiagnosed. I hope you find the support you are looking for.   

[NarcKiddo]

Welcome, Robert, Fun Bobby and Little Bobby.

I am glad to read that you are all now working together. And that you have a dog you can hug when you feel scared. They are an amazing comfort.

Wishing you all the best on your healing journey.

[tofubreadchillicoriander]

Hi, Robert. I definitely relate to CSA and recklessness. I'm glad you're on a healing path for your C-PTSD. If you need frequent support, take a look at the journaling section: https://www.cptsd.org/forum/index.php?board=61.0 - there you can create your own thread and make as many posts as you'd like. Members often read the posts and offer support in the journal. Otherwise, the specific (sub)forums of this website may come in handy. Take good care of yourself and your dog in these challenging times

[Blueberry]

Welcome

It's often a relief to at least know the diagnosis. It sounds as if you're well on your way to some form of healing, I mean you've discovered an inner child and an inner young adult.

I hope you find a lot of support here.

[Kizzie]

Welcome cptsd1579     You seem to have a really good awareness of what brought you to this point in your life and the responsibility others had in that.  It's a huge step actually, knowing you're not at fault that is.  So many of us arrive here with overwhelming guilt and shame we don't own. The fear you're feeling is "normal" but really awful as most of us know. Having this community is a start to building back connection and support and understanding of what you've been through and are struggling with and may help bring that fear down. It can be a relief to know finally that you have CPTSD but also it can be daunting and frightening, at least at first.

So sorry you are having to rebuild your life, but perhaps it will be more of an authentic one where you don't have to use your energy to keep up with that brave face, but can use it to build a better, healthier life. 

I hope being here helps with that. 

[Papa Coco]

Welcome to the forum to all three of you, CPTSD1579, Robert and Bobby

Those aren't silly words for me. One of the best therapies known to help C-PTSD survivors as we blend our fractures parts back together is Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy. Noted science-based psychologists, from as far back as the 1890s, have seen that our personalities are like multiple people living in one body and that absolutely all of these people are on our side, but their manners of helping are not always working, because they aren't aware of the other parts. Not to get too complicated, I'm just saying that I do believe Robert and Bobby are two parts of you taking turns at the controls. And it's great to read that you are able to identify the two of them as individuals.

Thank you for sharing your story about the priest. That is not an easy tale to tell after all the damage its done to you. Your courage in telling it to us here is going to help you heal. I'm proud of you for telling the story and impressed by your courage to do so.

I was Catholic too. When I was 7, we had a prolific serial child molester come to our church for a few months after he was thrown out of another church for his abuse of boys. The church protected him and placed him a couple of miles from my school until they could relocate him permanently, in a new parish where he had all new boys to abuse for a few more years. During the time he was visiting my parish, I was having two-hour long blackouts in the classroom. I would literally "wake up" suddenly in class, having absolutely no idea how I got there, or where I'd been for the previous two hours. Fast forward nearly 20 years and I started to remember where I'd been, and why I dissociated so badly during the two-hour time slots. When, at about 25 years of age, I finally sat down and told my family what I'd been through, they were politely supportive, but not as enraged as I'd be if I found out my son had been abused in that way. I eventually went total No Contact with my family because they never could become supportive of me or my wife and kids for anything.

I'm sorry for the loss of your mom, and for the situation you're in now with employment.

I hope you continue to feel safe and welcome here and are able to work through your story. I like to say that the people on this forum all have unique backstories, but somehow all ended up in the same place. We understand each other. We care about each other. And I hope you find some comfort in the connections you might make with some of the wonderful, caring, empathetic people here on this forum.