Relationships with adult children

[storyworld]

I would love to know about other people's experiences with their adult children. I adore my daughter, and I can see how my dysfunctional behavior when she was growing up, and some ignorance when it came to mothering, both hurt her and created certain behaviors I see now. For one thing, my husband and I tended to let her largely run things. If she was upset about something, we adapted. If she didn't like something, we didn't do it (like a family game or something). A big part of this was because she was an only child, and so much of these things weren't an issue to us. But also, I'm learning because of my upbringing and my role in my foo (I was the scapegoat), I've also tended to assume blame for pretty much anything. I also have a tendency to assume I've done something wrong if I sense tension around me. I believe these patterns have contributed to some behaviors I find unpleasant. In short, I feel like if I express something to her regarding human behavior or relationships, she parents and criticizes me, saying something like, "You're blowing this out of proportion," or, "You're too sensitive."

My challenge is I both want to spend time with her and build a close relationship with her, but I also feel like I need to be careful with how I interact and what I talk about, like I need to be the ultra-pleasant and accommodating mom. And I do realize this response isn't the healthiest, but with her, that is simply where I'm at. (Some of this is also the result of some hurtful said over a somewhat extensive period of time that resulted in what feels to me like a cracked relational foundation. 

[Kizzie]

I had a similar relationship with my S (only child), I think because I was so afraid of repeating the mistakes of my parents I went the other way - very accomodating, assuming blame, etc. We realized at some stage though it wasn't good for him and so we got a little more parental with him albeit still very loving. Boundaries helped him and us to be separate people with rights to be respected.

He did not really want to hear about my past and I left that until fairly recently when I did tackle it with him.  He's old enough and mature enough (31) to finally hear it and that has made our relationship so much better.  He's also in medicine so he gets that trauma can make life really bad for children into their adult years.  He has actually thanked us for our love and support and the efforts I made to be a better parent than what I had but it was a challenge because I did not have a role model and was struggling so much of the time.

My suggestion would be to start with setting boundaries clearly and reinforcing them.  For example when she says you are being too sensitive or whatever, calmly, respectfully and lovingly explain why you do not see it that way and do not appreciate being dismissed when you are trying to talk to her about something. 

You may also want to give her some idea of the trauma you experienced so she understands parenting is a challenge for you but that your love is always there. There are lots of good books about relational trauma or even some handouts to start (see our Resources section).

Finally, maybe tell her exactly what you said here, that you very much want a good relationship with her and you will work hard to make that happen if she is open to it. I would emphasize what you mean by that - mutual respect, understanding, willingness to listen, and most of all love.  It has to happen on both sides though. She may not take this on board yet but I found with my son I just kept telling him that and eventually he understood and reached back (he was quite standoffish in his late teens and early 20's). 

I hope this helps.   

 

[storyworld]

Thank you, Kizzie,
That is helpful. I've heard it's common to raise children in the opposite manner in which one was raised. I can see how I've done this in numerous ways, and how doing so tipped me out of balance. My daughter has some general awareness of some of my past challenges. Honestly, I feel sometimes that's unhelpful as sometimes it feels like she sort of uses that against me. (Not intentionally, but that she tends to see everything as a result of my trauma/dysfunction/brokenness.) She has a very strong personality, and I'm still learning and processing through how to respond. I don't feel it's gone well when I've tried to express my feelings to her in the past. But perhaps with incremental steps, and me doing better at setting boundaries, etc., I can be more open with her in the future. This is something I've recently begun speaking with my therapist about. I do appreciate you sharing your experiences. It's interesting how similar our stories in this instance feel.

[Kizzie]

I don't know how old your daughter is but I know with my son I realized he wouldn't be able or willing to take any of my story on board until his mid 20's at the earliest. It's when they come out of being focused on themselves and start to see us as people not just parents.  And for sure, that is what has happened thankfully closer to 30 than I would have liked but her did shift.

I wanted to share this letter with you from a woman who realized the trauma her dad carried, how hard he fought to keep that from her, and how loved she was despite her father's trauma - https://www.motherhoodandmore.com/a-love-letter-to-the-cycle-breakers/. She saw that and perhaps it will help you to have faith that at some point your D will likely step outside herself and see you the person.

Now that I have three kids of my own and a keen understanding of how difficult parenting can be under the best of circumstances, I recognize my dad for the cycle-breaking hero that he was. I'm well aware that the * he lived through as a kid, simply by being born into a wounded family, could easily have been my own fate. The cycles of addiction and abuse, the inheritance of personal and parental tools in need of serious repair, the passing down of bitterness and rage like family heirlooms....

It may take telling your daughter more than a few times that yes you struggled as a parent but that you love her deeply and very much want to have a good relationship until she is ready to take it on board.

[storyworld]

Thank you, Kizzie. That's helpful and encouraging.