(Trigger Warning TW) My introduction (disclaimer: anti-social)

[tofubreadchillicoriander]

Hi,

I'm an anti-social, in recovery substance misuser, manipulative, vindictive, narcissistic sociopath with psychopathic traits.

I've been diagnosed with C-PTSD, extreme anxiety and dissociation by my former trauma therapist. He said there's still "a little bit left in me" so I guess I'm not completely FUBAR.

I'm here mainly to journal and if I get support, I'll appreciate it even if it's in my own way.

I've a history of verbal abuse (father and mother [mother through neglect]), sexual abuse (father, fondling at the age of 3) and physical abuse. Also one near-death accident (my heart stopped for a while but I was resuscitated by a neighbor who was a paramedic), and another one that left my head bleeding and left a big scar just in the middle of my head.

I also have a history in hacking computers (that's how I learned), stealing money digitally, though I've stopped when I was 22 (that's around the time I got hired into my first job). I don't have a University degree and much of my school, I've cheated by copying from others.

I had 5 therapists over the course of 2 or so years, one with whom I "clicked" (schema therapist) - this lead to countertransference and a mental breakdown (according to my former trauma therapist).

Currently I'm on disability, homeless and having lost almost everything in my life. I'm learning mobile app development in the hopes I'll release a few apps and get myself into a safe home (in a decent neighborhood) and into somatic experiencing therapy for at least 2 years (my estimation of how long it'll take to get healthy). Once that's done, I'm hoping to do Tim Fletcher's course online.

This is me, in a nutshell.

[Armee]

I'm sorry all those terrible things happened to you and that finding a good therapist has been so rocky. 

[tofubreadchillicoriander]

Thank you, Armee. 

I had one therapist in particular who was really bad at her job. She projected on me a lot. I did some things I'm not really proud of while in therapy with her.

Though, I had the inspiration of seeking someone else. I've learned a lot over the course of these 2 years, but I've also forgot a lot due to my mental breakdown.   

[NarcKiddo]

I appreciate the "warts and all" introduction. My gut feeling is that since you are here, and pursuing healing, at least some of the issues in your first paragraph are down to nurture rather than nature. Unlearning unhealthy behaviours and coping methods that once served us is hard work. I applaud you for taking it on and wish you well in your journey.

Your nutshell sounds quite hard. Maybe make some space to be kind to yourself too?

 

[tofubreadchillicoriander]

I appreciate the "warts and all" introduction. My gut feeling is that since you are here, and pursuing healing, at least some of the issues in your first paragraph are down to nurture rather than nature. Unlearning unhealthy behaviours and coping methods that once served us is hard work. I applaud you for taking it on and wish you well in your journey.

Your nutshell sounds quite hard. Maybe make some space to be kind to yourself too?

 

Thanks, NarcKiddo . I think the reason I'm here is because I'm a coward. I'm having impulses of violence when interacting with people, or in general. However, I stuff it down. I let other people walk all over me. I fail to put boundaries. I wish I could say I'm here to relate. More like, I just want to write in my journal in the hopes someone would sympathize with my cause. However, I'm not much of the type of giving back.

Thanks for  me. I'm hoping to find someone who can help fix me. I don't know if it's possible, however I want to give it a shot. The other option would be to attack people who trigger me (both anti-social people and those who suffer). Or worse, get involved in a gang and do crimes. Though for the latter, I think I'd vie for the top position alas in my current mental state (being forgetful and dissociating from both the positive and the negative) I don't think I'd make it and end up dead. I tried committing suicide though I didn't have the courage to "pull the trigger". My trauma therapist told me that the survival instinct kicked in. I'm not sure what to do. I'm quite disheartened by what happened between me and my previous schema therapist, however I'm going to repeat the process (hopefully), only this time with a somatic experiencing practicioner hoping the body work will help me heal. My body went through a lot. Needs a ton of healing. 

[Kizzie]

It's surprising how putting boundaries in place can help reduce anger and fear, or at least that's what I've found. It's fighting back without becoming physical per se or sending the other person into defensive mode (if boundaries are enforced in a calm and respectful way).  I still have some trouble doing this with malignant/overt N's so with them I walk away, disengage.  I don't know if I'll ever be able to handle them in a healthy way but that's the goal.

[tofubreadchillicoriander]

It's surprising how putting boundaries in place can help reduce anger and fear, or at least that's what I've found. It's fighting back without becoming physical per se or sending the other person into defensive mode (if boundaries are enforced in a calm and respectful way).  I still have some trouble doing this with malignant/overt N's so with them I walk away, disengage.  I don't know if I'll ever be able to handle them in a healthy way but that's the goal.

Oh yes! With malignant/overt narcissistic people you've to get out of that situation. I learned the hard way working for one big tech company which I realized (after my mental breakdown and at the suggestion of my former schema therapist that I should resign) is very toxic. It's terrible when you've to continuously deal with them. All you can do in that case is lots of self-care and keeping boundaries. If it's a full blown narcissist personality disorder, then you've to gray rock them and tell them to fudge off. I dealt with one NPD in my former job and it wasn't easy though keeping the boundary he eventually backed off.

[Kizzie]

Yes, N's are quite tenacious (I come from a family with lots of them).  Give them an inch and they will take a mile and they will keep on trying to make a dent in your boundaries. Sorry to hear you had to deal with an N on the job, that's difficult but as you say the gray rock technique does often work if you can stay in that mode. Sadly they are people who don't have the normal restraints in place and they often get what they want by constant manipulating, gaslighting, etc.

There's so much info out there now about N that I hope one day many, many more of us will understand how to deal effectively with them and take their power away.

[Flitzi]

I think the reason I'm here is because I'm a coward.

Hey, anyone who registers here and reports so openly about themselves and their difficulties and has survived everything they report can't be a coward!
You have taken another step to put your life on a better path. I think they will receive support here and I wish them perseverance!

[tofubreadchillicoriander]

Yes, N's are quite tenacious (I come from a family with lots of them).  Give them an inch and they will take a mile and they will keep on trying to make a dent in your boundaries. Sorry to hear you had to deal with an N on the job, that's difficult but as you say the gray rock technique does often work if you can stay in that mode. Sadly they are people who don't have the normal restraints in place and they often get what they want by constant manipulating, gaslighting, etc.

There's so much info out there now about N that I hope one day many, many more of us will understand how to deal effectively with them and take their power away.

Thank you, Kizzie. And sorry to hear you constantly have to deal with narcissist people. My brother exhibits strong narcissistic traits and so I know how it is. I'm keeping very low contact with him. Last time I phoned him to talk about my mother I ended up regretting it because 1) I realized he would be of almost no help, and 2) I can handle the issue on my own. We'll inherit our parents apartment once my mother will be gone so that'll keep me in touch with him, although I'll offer him to buy my half and see if he will agree - if yes, that'll be the way to go no contact with him.  And yes, we've got to do better as a society at handling them. Gaslighting was the Merriam Webster word of the year for 2022 so, as you said, the awareness is growing.

I think the reason I'm here is because I'm a coward.

Hey, anyone who registers here and reports so openly about themselves and their difficulties and has survived everything they report can't be a coward!
You have taken another step to put your life on a better path. I think they will receive support here and I wish them perseverance!

Thank you, Flitzi.

[Kizzie]

well said Flitzi!