Follow up Q re EMDR

[storyworld]

Hello, all,
I'm wondering how many of you who have done some version of EMDR had an intense (AKA, embarrassing) reaction. I don't know why I still respond so intensely when discussing or processing things in therapy. I feel a good deal of shame when I become activated/hyperaroused. I feel childish and unstable. I've been working hard on increasing my window of tolerance and also journaling. I've gotten where I can now journal on some things from my past without getting overly anxious, which feels like progress. But I would like to reach a place where I don't freak out in therapy.

I recently processed through something (sort of; dipped my toe into might be more accurate) using eye movements. I don't know if it was EMDR or what, but I became highly hyper aroused. When I see EMDR examples on YouTube, the people discuss their emotions and somatic responses but still seem in control of themselves. I would love to know your experiences, and frankly, I would love to see an example of someone doing some sort of EMDR or similar and becoming hyperaroused so that I feel less defective.

[storyworld]

I am also wondering if there might ever be a possibility for members to have a private section? I know there's a way for members to have journals kept private. I also understand the value of having posts nonprivate, for those who don't belong to the group to receive encouragement. But I often struggle with the idea of knowing nonmembers can read my posts.

[Armee]

Hi I often have extreme reactions except its extreme shutdown instead of the opposite direction. With the extreme trauma comes extreme dissociation which seems to mean we don't stay ourselves while accessing our trauma memories. I don't know about you but either I have no access to any of the memories or I am "in it."

[Blueberry]

Storyworld, I haven't done much EMDR because most Ts are worried it will bring up too much for me to handle. So you can take this all with a large pinch of salt if you like.

However you react during EMDR, I don't think you're defective or childish, I think that might be the trauma or your ICr talking. I mean, I don't think any of us have any control over how we react internally during a therapeutic session - like whether hyperarousal or dissociation/shut-down. Obviously we can decide not to demolish the furniture or yell at our therapist (not that you suggest anything of the sort), but unfortunately I don't believe you can 'turn off' the hyperarousal at will. I tend more to dissociation/shut-down and the only way for me to prevent them is to notice they're going to happen before they do and come back out of whereever I am, which I have done in the past when I didn't feel safe with a T or where there was no T.

In my experience, the over-reaction (in your case hyperarousal and in mine dissociation) lessens with time spent with a good trauma therapist. You are getting there because you wrote that you can journal now w/o getting so overanxious! I believe the other improvement you want will come in time too. 

Another method where eye movement is involved is brain-spotting, which was developed from EMDR partially for people for whom EMDR is too much, iirc.

[storyworld]

Armee, thank you. That helps me feel better.

Blueberry, your response helps and encourages me as well. Thank you for mentioning my progress.

[storyworld]

I have an additional Q. I don't know if anyone will see this. But, I felt like I had a pretty ... significant session with my therapist where, yes, I completely freaked out, but I also shared something that I hadn't previously verbalized. But then, in my next therapy session, she didn't remember that session at all. I don't quite know what to think of this. On the one hand, I recognize my T is human and cannot possibly retain everything, or even half, probably, of what she hears. I also feel some level of comfort in knowing she forgot, as I was embarrassed by my intense reaction. But it also feels a bit weird that she didn't remember the session at all.

[blue_sky]

Hi storyworld,

That was brave of you to share something that you hadn't previously verbalized. 

Did your T take notes while you were sharing it?
Different T's have different style of working/ taking notes. If they didn't take notes at all and doesn't recall anything at all, for me that would be a red flag.

In my experience of working with numerous T's, some take notes but don't revise before the session so they can't recall exactly what was talked in previous sessions.
The good ones remember the important details. I dont know if they memorize it, or if they quickly refresh the notes before the session starts.
It also gets better if you have worked with same T for years, they usually remember what aspects are important for their client.

As a psychology student as well, that's slightly odd that they don't remember anything at all.
But like you said, given they are still a human, maybe you can say something from previous session (something easier to talk about again) and start with something like "Remember how we talked about ... last session?" and see what their reaction is?

Anyway, if this is a one-off with otherwise a great T, then I guess I would just give them the feedback and continue.
But if it's something they've done in the past as well or continue, then probably a good idea to look for another T?

[storyworld]

Thanks, Blue Sky,
My T hasn't done this before, and I do generally trust her. She did take a couple notes in session that day, but not many (that I was aware of).