Homeless

[tofubreadchillicoriander]

I'm homeless and live with two sociopaths in the same room. Two days ago, on Monday I participated in a support group hoping to vent and get some support. Oh boy, was I wrong. It turned out to be a full blown gaslighting session that I experienced. The deeper I went into saying what the issues are, the more the gaslighting. I reported to my worker associated with this association (where she proposed to me to go to this meeting in the first place) that it didn't help me (yet to hear from her).

Meanwhile, I'm struggling to stay afloat with this new guy (second sociopath) who came in about a week ago. He's manipulative and overtly aggressive (verbally, not physically). I'm spending most of my morning and afternoon in a library trying to study to build mobile apps (I'm a former DevOps Engineer, on disability due to diagnosed [unofficially] C-PTSD [my trauma therapist wrote PTSD in his letter], extreme anxiety and dissociation) and hopefully improve my situation.

What would your recommendations be in such a case when dealing with people like this? And please don't tell me that he may not be a sociopath and that it's his way of coping with being homeless too. I heard enough of this and more craziness on Monday.

P.S. I'm an anti social (undiagnosed) too, though I don't verbally and overtly abuse people. I just mind my own business.

[Armee]

I don't have any advice for how to deal with sociopaths you share a room with but hope someone has something useful. But I did want to hop in and send some virtual support your way. I'm sorry for what you've gone through and are going through and hope you find a way to a safer environment soon.

[Bermuda]

I don't have much advice. Just to put that out there first... but I relate.

I was also homeless, and during this time I also had some anti-social thought patterns. Retrospectively, it seems normal. It's how you have to view the world in order to protect yourself and make it out.

I am not an expert on sociopathy, but I grew up in an environment with someone who ticked the boxes, so to speak. When you are surrounded by anti-social people, it's reasonable to expect a level of cunning and masking in yourself to get out ahead. If you are able to see it in yourself, that tells me that it's likely situational. You are not like they are. You are struggling. It feels bad, because you are not bad.

It seems to me that whether or not they have undiagnosed personality disorders is actually irrelevant. You are being treated in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable, so much so that it affects your mental health. I'm sorry you were gaslighted, and were not being heard. Your feelings should matter, and if you feel they aren't at the forefront than it isn't therapy at all.

I don't know if that helps you. I hope you understand me. I feel for you here. I wouldn't have had the strength to speak up at all.

[tofubreadchillicoriander]

Thank you both for your kind words of support and encouragement. They mean a lot. I'm trying to take it one day at a time, though it's really hard. When I'm not in the room I'm drawn back to them and when I'm in the room, I'm living in constant fear. It's my nervous system and brain that are wired to be attracted by these kind of people. I suppose it's because of my (not so) recent mental breakdown.

Regarding me being an anti-social, one of my past therapist with whom I did schema therapy and seemed to work (until my mental breakdown) and with which my trauma therapist said I had counter transference, said to me something along the lines "you want to be anti social? Or a psychopath?" so there's something there as I tend to lie and manipulate. I don't think I'm fully there due to the medication I'm on (a mood stabilizer and an anti psychotic which help with controlling impulses), however my doctor is weaning me off the meds so I'll soon become one. Yeah, my life kind of is in shambles right now. 

[Bermuda]

I mean this in the kindest most loving way possible, of course correct me if I say something unfitting or if I am overstepping. This all sounds like trauma. You have past trauma, and you are still in a retraumatising environment daily. Your responses will be constant. If someone had asked me when I was homeless if I wanted to be psychopath, I probably would have said yes. It looked like they were winning. How easy would it be to get all the things we want/need in life, if we have no sense of remorse? I saw people do it all the time, just as you surely do too. The difference is you are expressing self-reflection, and also shame. You assume the bad in yourself. In my experience with people who are psychotic, they can't do that. They don't typically express real shame, only the 'pity me' kind. They don't reflect on their character in an unprompted way, as you have. I couldn't imagine them being concerned here nor there about what would happen as their medication is reduced. You are reaching out for help. To me, this sounds like really deep-rooted trauma that affects the way you see yourself and how you fit into the social world. You said your life is in shambles, and I don't doubt it. Your doing so much with so little, but you are doing things. You are trying, and it does get better. These feelings lessen. Do you have a trusted professional you can speak to about your concerns about the medication?

[tofubreadchillicoriander]

I mean this in the kindest most loving way possible, of course correct me if I say something unfitting or if I am overstepping. This all sounds like trauma. You have past trauma, and you are still in a retraumatising environment daily. Your responses will be constant. If someone had asked me when I was homeless if I wanted to be psychopath, I probably would have said yes. It looked like they were winning. How easy would it be to get all the things we want/need in life, if we have no sense of remorse? I saw people do it all the time, just as you surely do too. The difference is you are expressing self-reflection, and also shame. You assume the bad in yourself. In my experience with people who are psychotic, they can't do that. They don't typically express real shame, only the 'pity me' kind. They don't reflect on their character in an unprompted way, as you have. I couldn't imagine them being concerned here nor there about what would happen as their medication is reduced. You are reaching out for help. To me, this sounds like really deep-rooted trauma that affects the way you see yourself and how you fit into the social world. You said your life is in shambles, and I don't doubt it. Your doing so much with so little, but you are doing things. You are trying, and it does get better. These feelings lessen. Do you have a trusted professional you can speak to about your concerns about the medication?

Thanks for the kind words. I do believe, however, that I'm anti social as I don't have shame, I put people down in my thoughts and I manipulate and lie (when a suggestion comes from someone assuming things; otherwise, my brain can't make up lies it goes straight to doing physical harm to the other person). I don't have an inner critic either which surprised me when I realized most people do. I listened to Pete Walker's audiobook on Complex PTSD and I resonate with fawn/shutdown typology. I don't flee circumstances, I stay in them no matter how bad they are (unless other people are fleeing and I follow them).

I've contacted the national health service in the country where I'm and I'm waiting for a therapist to get back. They focus on childhood abuse so it fits me like a glove. Hopefully the waiting list isn't too long although I doubt it. I think many people are on the waiting list due to COVID.

By the way, my mom is the type of 'pity me' person; also, she's been extremely neglectful of my emotions and wellbeing (only was concerned with feeding me and giving me clothes). I grew up with her being like that. She hasn't changed in all the years I've grown up and moved to a foreign country (only a few hours flight from her, though). My dad was abusive: alcoholic, violent (physically, mentally and emotionally), narcissistic having sexually abused me when I was 3 years old. I discovered this when I was asked (in the psych. ward) if I ever had experienced fondling: I was taken so much by surprise that I simply answered in the affirmative even though I didn't really wanted to answer.

I'm not sure whether I'll make it. I simply cope by not interacting too much with them. Putting boundaries with the covert one and keeping it short with the overt, verbally violent one. I think I watched the movie A Good Person (2023) like 8 times now.

[tofubreadchillicoriander]

I don't have a lot of the formal knowledge that many others around here have. I really hope you are able to find the help you need though. I resonate so deeply with so much of what you've said. I wonder if you've looked into Reactive Attachment Disorder? Reading your last text, it just immediately popped into my mind. I guess I have read it described very similarly, and it stems from the things you've also described. Unfortunately, I have nothing I can cite.

You can make it though. You are doing the things. We can only control so much.

Thank you for the support you're constantly giving me, Bermuda. It's definitely C-PTSD, extreme anxiety and dissociation with anti social mix and psychosis. I believe I'm in a trauma bond with a dark triad I met when I tried to escape my job by buying an apartment in my native country. It's where I met the dark triad and got attached to him. My schema therapist at that time, when I told her of what happened, asked me whether I want a relationship with him. I answered of course not.

I too hope I'll make it. Being off medication and living with two (other?) anti socials will prove to be a challenge when all I have are impulses to hurt people.