A poem - NOT what the Doctor ordered

[BecomingMe]

In the last 2 years I've found poetry to be very cathartic and the process itself often helps me to process things. I wrote this poem the other day to help make sense of where I am at the moment. I'm healing but it's hard and feeling a lot of emotional and physical pain right now 

NOT WHAT THE DOCTOR ORDERED

These past few years I've been trying to cry
And on occasion a teardrop would fall from my eye
But those tears that were forced just brought sorrow and pain
They never gave me relief, much to my disdain

My emotions and feelings were not allowed as a child
I was only ever tolerated when I "played good" and smiled
So I built myself a strongbox that was locked deep inside
And all of my hurts were put there to reside

Life has many problems, we all know this for sure
And as my strongbox filled up I compressed the contents more
Like a suitcase that's completely full to the brim
I suppressed everything even further to squeeze more and more in

None of this was conscious, it was instinctive learning
Just a means of coping, so my world would keep turning
And when a car crash left me with severe chronic pain
I returned to this solution again and again

I persistently managed to make all my hurts numb
There was too much to do, I simply couldn't succumb
I experienced small outbursts in times of frustration
But they were quickly resolved with prescribed medication

You know life is demanding and we're constantly busy
There was simply NEVER time for me to be "in a tizzy"
I had responsibilities and needed to function
So I kept swallowing pills without any compunction

But there was wayyyy too much pressure for that box to sustain
Still, I kept pushing it closed, again and again
Until my brain and my body colluded FOR ME
To open my eyes to what I never could see

They've given me a breakdown; it's a true gift in disguise
And ONLY NOW, in THIS SPACE, do I finally realise
Emotions can become toxic if they are not felt
And we can only play the cards that we have been dealt

So now my feelings and emotions are running riot inside
They are screaming for release, they will no longer hide
And all those hurts, pains and grievances that I locked up for years
Are slowly finding release in my rivers of tears

The floodgates have opened and there's no need to try
My tears are flowing unabated and there's lots of supply
The sad truth is I've spent most my life, wishing I was dying
I never dreamt I'd find healing just simply by crying

[NarcKiddo]

That resonates deeply.

 

[blue_sky]

Awh such a beautiful poem, could feel your pain. Please keep writing.