Hello from "over the edge"

[BecomingMe]

Hi to everyone here 

I discovered this forum a few days ago and I'm so grateful to join. I was re-reading Pete Walker's CPTSD last week and the section on joining communities has led to me here...

My subject title has a little dark humour (it's something that has always helped me cope a bit better  ) because I am currently experiencing a mental breakdown  Today in particular I'm feeling quite lost

I started getting overwhelming emotional flashbacks for the first time in years during covid. It really feels like I've been "on the edge" since then but "managing" somewhat. 2 months ago things came to a head. I left my home and my husband and my life has turned completely upside down but that is really just a bit of icing on the cake. It's the unresolved trauma that has really been sucking the life out of me and the circumstances are dramatic but I feel like everything has colluded to give me this opportunity to fully focus on healing properly for the first time in my life.

I actually had 2½ years of intensive psycho-therapy in my early 20's, but that was 30 years ago and I have discovered so much new information has become available since then. I never even heard of CPTSD until Amazon recommended Pete Walker's book – you know the "other customers bought this....." prompt. That helped me so much – it was like reading the story of my life in those pages.

So I apparently experienced an "Amygdala hijack" in August, which was actually my 4F response (as per Peter Walker's description). My best friend saved me in every possible way and I also have an amazing therapist now. I'm working through things and taking it one day at a time for now. I'm just so incredibly grateful that I wasn't hospitalized and that now I seem to be finding a plethora of tools and resources that I believe will help me to heal from the past once and for all. I've come to understand that I may never be "fixed" in the way I imagined but I think I can have a life worth living and find some peace. That's a good goal for now.

Reading some of these posts in the last few days has already been useful and encouraging. I appreciate having a place like this to connect and I hope I will also be a source of support and encouragement for others. I plan on checking in regularly but I'm still finding my feet at the moment

[Papa Coco]

BecomingMe

Welcome to the forum! I'm so glad you found it. Pete Walker's book is saving a lot of people these days. Finding this forum was a godsend for me, and I hope you find the comradarie you're looking for here also.

I like to say "We're stronger together" and here on this forum, the compassion and likemindedness has proven those three words to be true. I feel stronger knowing that others understand me and I understand them. Before C-PTSD was ever coined, I felt like I was the only crazy person on the entire planet. Now I know I'm not crazy; I'm a good person dealing with a crazy world. And you are also a good person who'se  dealing with a crazy world.

I look forward to interacting more. Welcome to the forum.

[Blueberry]

A warm welcome to the forum

[NarcKiddo]

Welcome. I have found so much help and support here. I am sure you will, too.

[blue_sky]

Welcome to the forum! I just read your poem in the creative writing section and had to come say Hi!

There are a lot of people in the forum who love dark humour so keep em coming 

[BecomingMe]

Just want to say thank you all for the warm welcome and for the kind words about my poem blue_sky (which is a GREAT name choice by the way  )  I'm really struggling at the momemt and been crying continuously the last couple of days. I was reluctant to log back on here though because I feel I can't contribute to anyone at the moment. I'm also super-sensitive and connecting with a lot of deep sadness. When I joined the other day I looked over a few other posts and the compassion and kindness is wonderful and heart-warming. But I also found that (at this particular point anyway) seeing (and really feeling) other people's pain played on my mind so much. I had all these responses in my head and wasn't capable of posting them, but found myself wishing I could help to calm, soothe or ease. I'm sure there's a bit of projection in there too


There's always been a big part of me that feels guilty accepting anything unless I can also give. Consciously I totally understand all the reasons for that but the feeling still holds me back. For now anyway. I keep repeating the mantra my therapist gave me recently, "I am physically safe now AND I am healing". I know that's true. I can feel it taking place. But I think I'm connecting with my sorrow for the first time and it  hurts so, so much.

I'm very isolated at the moment. I moved to a foreign country 2 years ago because I have chronic back pain and the warmer climate helps, but I don't have any friends who live here permanently and pain has me pretty immobile anyway right now so I've become quite a hermit. This year gave me the worst pain for many years and I could barely walk around the house even for several months. It's all connected of course. Right now I just feel like I AM pain!! I'm really careful choosing my words so I don't make statements like this to myself but I'm allowing myself to say it here because I know others will understand. I've battled suicide since I was very young and wrote a poem 2 days ago because I know I really won't go to that dark place again. It's just that now I'm connecting with my sadness I do understand why suicide always felt like a "get out of jail" card. I really feel this heartbreak is the worst pain imaginable and I have a very high pain threshold. Anyway....

I'm going to post my latest poem because I do think it's positive and I don't think it would be upsetting for anyone  but of course I'll put a trigger warning. The last few days I have been unable to eat - not a problem I ever experienced until relatively recently!!! I'm forcing small bites of food down over the course of the day because I don't want another health problem but I feel like gagging when I swallow something. When I woke up this morning I has this vision (I'm a SUPER visual person!!) that the blockage I'm feeling is because I can't speak. I was horrifically abused from 0-16 in most ways you can think of. I ran away from home a couple of times when I was very young and told about the abuse but I was called a liar, a dangerous little girl and punished for same. I think writing is a way for me to process things and also to actually tell safely. I still don't actually speak (eg. With my voice) about details or events in depth. Not even to my therapist who is AMAZING and somehow managing to keep me on the right side of insanity – just about     What I'm trying to say (in a very long-winded way) is that I want so, so much to be heard. Even typing those words has brought fresh tears. I really don't want to be a burden to anyone and I'm so sorry that I can't be more supportive or giving right now. I hope it's okay if I just dip in and out of here for a while. I'm really not a selfish person and hope I will be a better contributor in the future. I know for certain that I will heal from this. It's just that right now I'm not OK

[Kizzie]

Hello and a very warm welcome to the forum BecomingMe.  We are a warm and supportive group so I hope you will feel comfortable here.  We are very used to new members needing to post and not respond to others so much at first.  There's a lot you need to let flow out.  Take your time is the probably the most common suggestion we give new members.  It's a lot to take in and it's easy to get overwhelmed.  Like most of us you will find your rhythm and how much reading and posting you can tolerate.  Your body is likely asking/telling you to slow down a bit and be as kind and compassionate to yourself as you can.

I liked your poem and responded with a post - it's spot on regarding SI sadly, but as I said in my response I'm glad to hear you're letting go of it in favour of sharing your pain.

We like group hugs here so hope this is OK 

[BecomingMe]

Thank you so so much Kizzie x  (I'm losing eyesight & can't see hug  )

[Papa Coco]

BecomingMe,

Your post is very engaging. Very heartfelt. I resonate with quite a bit of it. I think of people like us, the people with Complex-PTSD, as the most loving people on earth. The reason we suffer is because the world has too many bullies in it, and we can't seem to find our peace in their chaos. We're good people dealing with a difficult and often unfriendly world.

In my view, I think we struggle because we're good people. We try to always give more than we take. We just want to be heard. We try to be there for each other, comforting one another even though we are in our own pain. That's where our empathy kicks in.

I agree with Kizzie that it's not important that you respond to others if you aren't of the frame of mind to do so. I have found that when I force myself to respond because I feel like I should, that my responses seem flat. So I only respond when I'm in the frame of mind to do so. I encourage you to feel comfortable sharing without feeling like you are required to respond when you're not quite yet ready to do so.

This is a safe place. The need to give more than we take is pretty universal in C-PTSD. It's very okay. I resonate with it 100%.

[Larry]

welcome 

[BecomingMe]

BecomingMe,

Your post is very engaging. Very heartfelt. I resonate with quite a bit of it. I think of people like us, the people with Complex-PTSD, as the most loving people on earth. The reason we suffer is because the world has too many bullies in it, and we can't seem to find our peace in their chaos. We're good people dealing with a difficult and often unfriendly world.

In my view, I think we struggle because we're good people. We try to always give more than we take. We just want to be heard. We try to be there for each other, comforting one another even though we are in our own pain. That's where our empathy kicks in.

I agree with Kizzie that it's not important that you respond to others if you aren't of the frame of mind to do so. I have found that when I force myself to respond because I feel like I should, that my responses seem flat. So I only respond when I'm in the frame of mind to do so. I encourage you to feel comfortable sharing without feeling like you are required to respond when you're not quite yet ready to do so.

This is a safe place. The need to give more than we take is pretty universal in C-PTSD. It's very okay. I resonate with it 100%.

Thank you so much for this response Papa Coco. I'm feeling very isolated at the moment and I'm so grateful to have a safe place to "discuss" or vent because I can see that everyone here understands. I'm very grateful to have this and to receive these lovely, kind words. It made me think of this proverb I remember hearing before...
Thanks again 

[BecomingMe]

The image didn't show up before    Hopefully this time

[BecomingMe]

welcome 

Hi Larry 

I wanted to say thank you to you for taking the time to welcome me. Last week I saw your posts and I honestly couldn't stop thinking about you. I could totally relate to your distress    And your pain. And having recently escaped that "place" myself I wished so much that I could offer you a hug and just comfort you. I had many thoughts in my mind but just wasn't capable of saying anything without possibly "messing it up" so I decided not to respond at the time.

I just read your last posts and it seems like you are "coming back" and I wanted to share my recent experience. I hope it may offer you a little more hope and help to keep pushing through those dark times....

For the first time in my life I'm connecting with the sadness and despair I pushed away all those years. It's hard and of course it hurts. BUT I have also felt genuine self-compassion for myself. It just came naturally!! And I have to tell you that it's sooooooooooo lovely    I never thought I could receive a feeling of love like that FROM myself TO myself. It's deeply healing. And even now with all the tears (because I'm sobbing like a baby every day at the moment  ) I AM feeling. And I'm starting to feel "alive" in a way that I haven't before. I'm not going to quit and I do really believe that I WILL heal. And to help me I just started making a list of small things that I want to look forward to in the forseeable future. So that if I do feel sometimes that it's too hard, I can remind myself that joy is waiting on the other side.

I want to live. And I'm daring to even hope that in the future I will be able to thrive. And I wish the same for you and everyone else here.

Please don't ever give up Larry. Whoever hurt you has taken enough. Don't let them take anymore.

Papa Coco's lovely message said that the people on this forum are loving and kind. I agree. And the fact that you still took time out to say welcome to me, in spite of being in the midst of a difficult time, is a clear indicator of your own kindness, empathy and compassion. So thank you SO MUCH for that. And I fervently wish that you will be able to  give and receive those gifts to yourself in the forseeable future. And ultimately, heal.

[Larry]

thank you !   i really need and appreciate your support,  it really means so much to me.   i have a hard time with self acceptance,  i like your idea of making a list of things to look forward too.   i cant stop crying right now,  in a good way.   it is really amazing to get so much help from people i have never met.   thank you so much for being here      i had a good therapy session today,  and i am working on self care.   

[BecomingMe]

I'm just starting my day Larry and thank you for giving me the smile I'm wearing today. I was worried I might have gone overboard and I'm so glad I could help in some small way. One more thing....

Yesterday I made a playlist of songs that help me when I'm feeling low. I discovered the band "Citizen Soldier" from the music thread on this forum and I am hooked!!!! Their music is so powerful and I have adopted their song, "Give up to Ghosts" as my personal anthem. It really helps me to feel strong. Everyone on this forum has so much strength and courage and that includes YOU. Stay strong and hope you have a great day