Cannabis

[Bach]

I've been self-medicating with cannabis for my entire adult life and my relationship with it is uneasy.  It's a medication that has the power to be very helpful if used properly, but my problem is that I have a very hard time not using it compulsively, and when I use it compulsively it still helps but also comes with some really nasty side effects.  I can never figure out how much of a problem my cannabis use really is or isn't.  If I could use it responsibly and moderately, I don't think it would be a problem at all, but that's an ideal I've been chasing unsuccessfully for years.  Sometimes I manage it for some period of time, weeks, months.  But inevitably I backslide.  I am so tired of this being an issue for me!

[NarcKiddo]

I have never tried it. It is illegal in the UK. That said, nobody bats an eyelid and you only get prosecuted if you supply or if the police are out to get you. Most people I know have tried it.

I have never dared (or even wanted) to try an illegal substance but I self-medicated with alcohol for donkey's years. I have always thought that there are similarities in effect but maybe I am way off base.

That said, I have still managed to have a bad experience with cannabis because my first husband was addicted to it, along with alcohol and all manner of prescription drugs. When we first met we lived in my parents' house for a while (they were abroad) and I forbade him to have drugs in the house. I was constantly finding it and flushing it down the toilet. He was constantly baking it into brownies and trying to get me to eat some, assuring me I would love it. He was bad enough when drunk but when cannabis was mixed in he was infuriating. And then he got involved with some local drug dealers and they broke into our home and threatened us with a knife because they said he owed them money.

None of that addresses the comments you made, particularly, but if the compulsion is anything like the compulsion to use alcohol then I can understand how much of an issue that can be. I have also heard that the cannabis these days can be much stronger, with more side effects and addictive qualities, than the stuff that used to be around back in the day. I think part of the problem is that anything which is socially acceptable does not feel as if it ought to be particularly dangerous so it is easy to be seduced into having more. I also wonder if it is the same as alcohol in that you start having to have greater doses to get the same effect? That was an issue for me, and in fact the sheer quantity I was getting through began to register even in my brain as an issue. I mean, I would drink more than the UK government guidelines for a week in one night, without any particularly noticeable ill effects the next day.

I do wonder whether the compulsion has something to do with it, as much as the drug, though? In my case I managed to switch a wine habit to a gym habit, which is clearly better for me, though not for my wallet as gym kit can be expensive.

[Bach]

NK, it was illegal for me too until 2018, but that just never stopped me, and I'm not even sure why.  I suppose because I thought it being illegal was stupid, and that staying away from being caught with it was easy enough.

I've never used alcohol on a regular basis.  It's never much agreed with me.  Cannabis is completely different thing for me.  In therapeutic amounts it will give me a mood lift, stimulate my energy and my creativity, and help me connect with my body.  The problem is that it's so hard to keep it to therapeutic doses.  My conditioning to overuse is longstanding and deep.  Tolerance develops, and with increasing doses come increasing negative side effects (excessive appetite, disrupted sleep, increased sensitivity to emotional triggers).  I think part of the problem is that behaviourally I'm hooked on the act of the inhaling. 

The thing is, realistically, cannabis does give me benefits and doesn't really cause me serious problems, just annoyances that make my life a bit less comfortable.  And trying to change habits is also annoying and uncomfortable.  I guess tolerating the familiar discomfort of overuse of cannabis is just easier than tolerating the discomfort of continuously resisting the urges for it.

I don't know.  I can't even believe I'm talking about this.  So much shame!

[NarcKiddo]

I believe you can obtain nicotine-free vape stuff. Have you ever tried vaping? Might that satisfy the inhaling urge, and could you maybe take therapeutic doses of cannabis by other methods alongside? I remember my husband getting beyond fidgety when he was stopping smoking. He always has been, and smoking gave him something to do with his hands. The behavioural aspect was the toughest for him.

[Bach]

You know, I've tried various substitutes like that, and haven't really had any lasting success.  But then, I've tried a lot of things and not had lasting success.  It's very frustrating.  Yesterday I was searching through my old posts on this forum looking for something (which, frustratingly, I did not find), and I found I've made posts about this subject many times, always saying the same dang things.  Add in a zillion private journals and a thousand conversations with therapists and the one real life friend I feel able to talk to about it, and I'm thinking that I need to stop whining and accept that this is just the way it is for me.

[Larry]

Hi Bach,  i was a daily user for 30 years,  i have been drug free now for 6 years.  i started early in life,  i'm not sure how i was able to stop,  i started not liking the way it made me feel.  i didn't like cleaning my bong every day,  and i didn't like the way it disrupted my day,  always trying to find time to get high.  i wish i could offer some helpful advice,  i'm not really good at that.  maybe some support from family or friends could help.  possibly a new activity that you enjoy could help take it's place.  I know it isn't just that easy,  i still struggle with alcohol,  i know how hard addictions are.  please try to be gentle with yourself,  and take it 1 day at a time, even 1 hour at a time,  i appreciate you and the support you have given me over the last few years 

[Bach]

Larry, thank you very much for your reply.  I started early in life too, and my history with it is long and weird, full of the question of how big a problem it is or isn't, and full of a perpetual longing for it to JUST NOT BE A THING ANYMORE.  Whether that would mean quitting entirely, or whether it would mean continuing to use but being comfortable with it, for it to NOT BE A THING ANYMORE.  Both have been possible in bursts, but neither has ever taken hold for more than a few weeks or maybe months. 

Looking back over my life, I can't say that cannabis has done me more harm than it has done me good, but nor can I say that it has done me more good than harm.  It has probably done me ever so slightly more good than harm in that it hasn't significantly screwed up anything in my life or caused any serious physical health problems and it helps me function and take care of myself, but my ultimate longing is to function and take care of myself without it.  The worst part is that a lot of the time I really don't like the way it makes me feel either, but it's often that very discomfort that prods me to function.  As a person, I tend to be quite inert.  My natural inclination is to do things only when someone else wants, needs or expects me to, and when left to my own devices pretty much stay still, lay low, and distract myself with things that don't require much physical movement (reading, watching TV, messing around on the internet).  Cannabis makes me feel antsy, which makes me move around and do things to soothe the antsy feeling. 

Something I realised a couple of years ago is that I spent most of my life heavily dissociated from my body, barely feeling it at all and having very little understanding of my physical experience. Since then I have been working on developing a relationship with my body, and something I have realised is that cannabis makes me feel my body, which seems to provide something I need to get me up and keep me going. I feel that I should be able to figure out how to accomplish this without having to first make myself feel worse in order to make myself feel better, but I haven't hit on it yet.

[Larry]

cannabis probably does help some people,  i don't really know.  i use to feel like it helped me realx.  calmed anxiety,  i hope you can find a balance that works for you,  you deseerve it !