Avoiding conflict

[Bermuda]

We just returned early from visiting in inlaws. I will avoid backstory, because this post would get entirely too long.

My inlaws did things with our children that we don't allow. Twice. The first time I caught them as they were being sneaky. Instead of apologising they got defensive. I took the children in the other room to play. The next day my husband was away, so I was extra vigilent. My MIL, undermined us again. This time it was overt. Again, I came in and instead of addressing them, I addressed my children calmly explaining things we do and don't do. At that point my inlaws became angry, raising their voices in protest, and continued on trying to convince my older son (4) to not listen to me. He did listen to me though, and agreed with my explanation, and the kids came with me. I said it was bath time. We took a bath, and while in the bath my son said he wanted to go to bed because he was tired, so we did that. He fell asleep immediately.

I messaged my husband about what had happened and he called his mother. His mother answered the phone in the most cheerful way. She told him that nothing at all had happened, and that everything was going great and that the kids were having fun. It was so disturbing to overhear.

My husband messaged me asking if I think we should leave, and I said yes, because it's important to set firm boundaries. So he booked tickets for the next day, and in the morning we started packing up to go.

In the morning, when his mother saw we were packing she got very angry. She started making up lie after lie, different from the initial lie she made on the phone. She accused me of over reacting, said that it is my fault that I can't resolve conflict. She said that I was just being hysterical. She said that it was me, and then told a completely different story of what happened. When that didn't work she told my husband that she wasn't even there actually, and it was his father who was there. She said a lot of hateful things about me, and continued this idea that it's my fault for not speaking up. I then stepped in and said that I am not participating in this conversation, because I am first and foremost a parent and that it is not appropriate to speak like this in front of the children. I explained that she is repeatedly insulting me, and there is no amount of me explaining that can compensate for her own behaviour. I said nothing more. She started crying loud and angry. She accused me of never liking her, and the thing she said that cut the deepest was saying that this is all my fault and no one likes me, that's why I have no one in my life except my husband and my children.

Wow, to me that hurt pretty deeply, but then I thought about my feeling and it's not based in reality. I actually have so many people in my life, and just like my own mother, she is not privvy to that information. My MIL does not know me. She said so many contradictory things about how I was hysterical and over reacting, and yet I was keeping the kids away from them. That I locked them in the bathroom and wouldn't let them in. Which is it? Was I arguing, or locking them out? Neither. Her saying that I never liked her, as she lashed out at me over and over is her own cognitive dissonance. It's her. She never liked me. She never liked that I came into their family someone who had been taking care of myself my whole life, a whole complete adult. She expected me to seek her approval. She constantly corrected the ways I did everything, explaining that her way was the correct way. Her correcting my culture and customs used to hurt me very deeply. Not that I wanted approval. Did she not realise that I also found how their family did things weird too? I just didn't act my feelings. I knew that my way was not the correct way, but rather a way.

So, now we are at home. Honestly, I feel really proud of myself. I can see that she was manipulating the situation. She was trying to manipulate my husband against me. I haven't had the chance to talk to him about it, because life as involved parents is all-consuming. I'm pretty sure she thought it was my idea to leave, but all I did was say what happened. Their last words about wanting to talk and that it's my fault is hard, because I don't think it's my place. If there is anything I have learned is that you can't work with this kind of discussion. She will always lie, she will blame me, she will try to get me to apologise, she will say it never happened at all. She said that it's my children's responsibility to make their own decisions in life. I don't think it's appropriate to need to have a discussion with a 4 year old about peer pressure from their grandparents. That should not be happening.

I am not torn up over this as I once would have been, but as my husband said, "It's the end of an era and a closing of a door." That is true. Where do we go from here?

[NarcKiddo]

I am so proud of you, Bermuda. 

When I first started to get to know you, not so long ago, I honestly would not have imagined that I would so soon be reading a post like this from you. It has always been clear that you have strength; way more strength than you know or give yourself credit for. But your confidence was very low and it is such a joy to see it grow. You have made huge strides recently, and on many fronts at once. Of course it will feel weird and strange, scary and maybe even wrong at times. Anything new and different can feel like that, even if it is right. And it is exhausting. But you and your husband are a good team. You are nurturing and protecting your children. You are looking after yourself so you can be there for them. That's where you go from here, I think. You keep doing that.

 

[Blueberry]

Yeah that, way to go Bermuda!

[Hope67]

Hi Bermuda,
I think you handled this whole situation very well. 
Hope 

[CactusFlower]

Wow, that's amazing! You were calm, stood up for yourself, and set boundaries!  I am so glad you were able to do that. I'm sorry the kids have to see that, but yeah, she sounds amazingly controlling and manipulative.  Good on you and I hope you find some peace this week. gentle hugs if you want them.