Healing journal (tw) Angering / strong emotions

Started by StartingHealing, September 24, 2023, 07:11:21 PM

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StartingHealing


StartingHealing

Jan 6 2025

Mercy where does the time go?  I remember as a child days that seemed like forever.  Ahh well.

Chart:
I'm one who has experienced and continue to have experiences that fall outside of the Newtonian clockwork universe concept. Started as a wee one. Perhaps due to what I went through with being relinquished, spending 9 months with some caretaker (that info unfortunately is lost to me) then being placed with a family in which there was 0 related genetic anything.  I've always had a interest in what is commonly called "woo woo". Which I have come to realize is another facet of human experience that has been intentionally been pushed away from main stream consciousness.  Much of what is claimed in "woo woo" actually has basis in fact once quantum mechanics is applied + the realization that what we perceive with our 5 senses is such a narrow slice of the entire EM spectrum. (At least as far as humans have been able to find out about the EM spectrum.)

Where does the "knowing" that another being is staring at you come from?  Ever know someone that plants just grow for?  What about someone that never gets lost?  Pets that get excited when their person leaves work? You get the 'willies' and leave an area and then find out later that something tragic happened in that location.  How did humans way back when know what plants were good for what?  Some plants unless processed in a particular manner do not heal, they will kill. 

Looking at animistic beliefs prior to the imposition of organized religion, there has got to be a very good reason for the ancestors to have done what they did especially when what they did falls outside of the survival paradigm.  Most indigenous cultures have beliefs about spirits of place, spirits that help, spirits that are tricksters, ancestors that are watching and helping from "over there".  Yet the narrative is that those beliefs are non-scientific, ignorant, the stupid savage mindset, I feel has been not only wrong headed, it's led to some really bad events, and I believe it led to belief system that has reduced us to some sort of electro-chemical carbon based machines that arose out of the primordia goo by accident. Which if you really look at things now, in modernity, you can see that being played out on a grand scale and it's a very saddening thing to me.

For me personally, the 100th monkey phenomena makes sense.  I think it was back in the 1970's maybe the 1980's.  Groups of monkeys, same species, on islands in the Japan archipelago, no interaction between the differing groups, researchers noticed that a single monkey figured out that washing some sort of potato in sea water was a really good thing. Cleaned the food, get some salt intake, maybe it made it taste better?  The troupe of monkeys where the 1 figured it out eventually had the entire troupe doing it.  What the researchers noticed was that the critical mass of 100 individuals was the threshold because once that was reached, all the monkeys on all the islands started doing it, even in troupes that had no behavior like that before. No intermingling because of the distance between the islands, way to far for them to swim, so it wasn't the learning by observation. What happened for the knowing that washing the food in the sea was a good thing get distributed to all the monkeys of that species?  For me it goes back to that there is "something" there that exists outside of the expected norm of 5 senses. I think whatever that "something" is, a human in the proper state of mind can perceive it.

Think about all the "new" things that our ancestors knew / did as a matter of course.  Earthing is now a thing. Food grown with love and respect has multiple times the amount of nutrition than factory based. Which we can sense. Fresh from the garden VS factory based. Which tastes better?  Water has memory. Masaru Emoto took water and then exposed the samples to positive or negative influences. He then froze the water and took pictures of the resulting ice crystals.  Positive influences = crystals that are symmetrical, visually attractive. negative influences = blobs, no symmetry, misshaped.  Awareness is rising about EMF and how some of it isn't good for the human body, light is the same way, LEDS & fluorescents,  are turning into something that one needs to manage because of their second order effects on human biology and behavior, not to mention the blue light emitted by screens that messes with our circadian rhythm.  The food .. Some of the dyes used really mess with people.  Many kids labeled ADHD, ADD, remove the food dyes and surprise! the ADD, ADHD goes away. And that is just the tip of that iceberg. Those that garden, getting there fingers in the dirt etc, even if its only growing flowers organically, have a healthier micro-biome than those that don't.   

There was the experiment where a group of folks that pray consistently were asked to pray for a certain people in hospital.  Not only did the ones that were prayed for recover quicker they also had better overall health after.  This has been shown many times. What this double blind experiment did though was have people pray in the current day, for people that had been in hospital a decade or more before. Turns the idea of causality on it's head.

 Other experiments have shown that the length of pleasant music on a cassette tape increased, that the ph of water can be changed, all of this has been done multiple times, by different people, and same results.  One last thing. Remote Viewing which was an actual gov't paid program.  When folks with training are getting 80% and higher confirmed results.. yeah there is definitely something going on that for some reason that something has been buried, intentionally I would say. 

Think about it.  Who benefits by keeping the average person away from the innate abilities that exist within them?  Which groups have benefitted over time by pushing the ideology that we are an electro-chemical carbon based being with nothing going further than that?  Or more insidious, to me anyway, the groups that have pushed the idea that our reward or punishment lies on the other side and it's for an eternity?  Which groups benefit by having us just healthy enough to continue to continue and not upset any apple carts? Which groups benefit by using propaganda to push certain anti-human narratives, let alone keep the average person in a constant state of fight / flight?  I'm not saying that there is a super villains group that are consulting with each other on how to jack with us. However, those with a particular mindset will typically find others that match that mindset.  Birds of a feather type thing.

Hope that this helps explain better where I'm coming from. 

The pet cams are working well.

Wishing all here all the best   


StartingHealing

01-08-2025

The current treatment I'm doing for my doggo seems to be working well.  No more blood in the urine for the last 3 or so days, appetite has returned, been feeding him fatty meats, more pep in his step.  Amazing how much 'weight' has been removed with him moving in the direction of health and wellness.  I think that I will continue the sheep drench for the 3 months and see if the skin cancer will also either reduce and/or go away.

Wishing all here all the best

Hope67

Hi StartingHealing,
I am relieved to hear that the treatment for your doggo seems to be working well, and I hope it continues to do so.  :hug:
Hope


StartingHealing

Jan 13 2025

The spiral continues.  It has taken quite a while for my motivation to return.  there is a big difference between doing things because they need to be did, vs having the want to in doing them is something else, you know? 

I don't know at this moment what the what is on the why.  Perhaps there was a spiritual weariness.  My doggo behavior wise is better, I have to remember that it's going to take some lineal time. 

Last couple weeks, the typical end of year mild illnesses have been coming around.  Really odd that with one "something" my emotions were really really high. With what I have learned recently, the blood / brain barrier is a lot more porous than I had previously thought. 

The process continues in my perceiving behind the created veil.  Have come to the conclusion that politics .. have to be engaged because what some jackwad wants may not be in the best interest of the whole and pushing back is the way stuff works.  Big Pharma, Big Food, Big medicine, cult of the white lab coats, Big oil, and the realization that in many cases, laws are what keeps these industries on the rails at all.  It's also been a saddening thing to me to realize that I have a whole pile of things that I believed that are based on a watered down, sanitized, and propagandized version of events. 

Wishing all here all the best

StartingHealing

Jan 15 2025

I feel like I need to write, that I need to express something and yet coming up with the verbiage is hard at the moment.  Lots of feeling that there are lots of situations that seem ambiguous .  I've found out that it's a thing for me to have ambiguous things.  I prefer to not have ambiguous, amorphous things going on.  The situation - reaction and for some reason the reaction part, even though I am capable and fairly good at coming up with solutions.  Somewhere in the mix .. I'm feeling like I've been knocked onto the hind foot and I'm still off balance.  My change in diet and supplements has been really good for the emotional aspects. weird.  even with pretty stable emotional state unknown where the feeling of being on the hind foot is coming from.  the other thing, in my life previously, I didn't have this feeling.

the other thing is there is a sub-routine in my thinking meat that the "desire" for lack of a better term, with starting the search for the "other".  Yet looking at my life now, and realizing that bringing a gal into the mix at this time is a not good idea.  I'm not in the right space spiritually / mentally / emotionally. Least now I realize that.  Perhaps that is where the feeling of being on the hind foot is coming from. Trying to be objective with looking at my past.  I guess I'm doing pretty good at moving on from stuff since I can't remember the month in 2022 that was the beginning of my becoming single again.

Well, need to do some other things.

Wishing all here all the best

 


StartingHealing

Quote from: Hope67 on January 18, 2025, 04:08:16 PM:hug:
Thank you Hope

Jan 19 2025
(warning. Rambling, mentions EOL)

3:55 AM Debating with myself on what to write since I don't want to cause consternation in those that read this. Waiting for the coffee to kick in. In the IDK what to do stage.  My doggo isn't eating enough to maintain weight and last night he came to me telling me that it was time for bed.  I looked at him and it was if I was seeing him for the first time and what I saw wasn't good.  The phrase of "seeing death" is I think more accurate than what a materialistic based social narrative would suggest. My mentor, wise as they are, tuned into Spirit as much as they are,  well, I have a text cued to send later today (my mobile has that functionality)  perhaps I can speak with them today. Last we communicated (I am really starting to prefer voice comms) they mentioned a 6 month window. Strange how some days seem forever and yet the weeks fly by.  Got a different form of ivermectin, more concentrated than the sheep drench. Hoping that will allow more get down my doggo's throat. Problem is, gotta figure out how to get him to eat.

(insert cuss phrase here) maybe it's because the years ahead are shorter than the years behind, maybe it's part of the larger pattern of me shedding the things of the past associated with the former spouse. Maybe it's me coming to grips with my own self, maybe it's something else and maybe it's not, and maybe, just maybe all of this has led me into wondering about my own EOL and what I would like to leave behind when I too, go on to the other realm. Maybe it's a genetic thing, wondering about a legacy that goes forward in time, in this realm. Then again maybe I'm not seeing the larger picture. Even so, it still rears it's head from time to time.  I admit that I'm human and I have messed up in the past.  I've done my best to atone, not repeat the actions and continue forward taking the lessons with me.  I think that overall I've been honorable.  Which seems to be not that big of a deal in the current morass that I perceive as modern "society". I was talking with someone who has a passel of kids, and grand kids about leaving a legacy and to them it was the folks that they had helped / interacted with over their life that they consider to be their legacy.  I still find that interesting how different people's views are.

Saw my tax pro yesterday. Perhaps I'm weird in this regard but when I find a professional that provides good service at a reasonable cost, I'll stick with them. Because of long term interactions, there are 'perks' that make things way simpler. Like the fact that she agreed to have an appointment on a weekend.  We ended up talking about the previous return and something that I didn't recognize came up that if the former spouse didn't file last year that the tax man is going to come a knocking. Because Nov of 2023 is when the marital residence got sold. If the former spouse follows true to the pattern she showed over 25 years, she didn't file. Was surprised at the reaction I had.  The idea that she would be held accountable, did give me a chuckle. Actions or not taking action has consequences.  And more than likely she'll not put 2 and 2 together, and play the victim.  Since I didn't do anything my karma (using the western idea of it) on that is clear.  Don't even want to be a fly on the wall. And depending on how events play out, I may not even be in the same political division of a body of people that occupies a territory defined by agreed on borders, in the future.  Shoot, may offshore myself.  Take advantage of the currency arbitrage. At the same time, having a "home" or at least an idea of "home" still has a huge draw for me. The closest thing to home I've experienced would be the farm that I grew up on.  it no longer exists.  The land is still there, some of the fences.  I still haven't figured out if "home" was because of the length of time spent or what.  Or if it was because of the memories created from having 1 person accept me without reservation. I remember when I was informed after the fact that it had been sold. I grieved something fierce. Not a stretch to say that every acre of that property had my blood, sweat, or tears shed on it.  I've lived in several different areas in the US and .. meh. I did live in those places but they were never "home".  Makes sense because there was only 1 person in the 2cd family that I connected to and when they passed on to their next adventure, I was "in a family" but never had the "family" sense of connection.  Overarching themes being played out in my life. 

Starting to gather my nickles for a new to me vehicle. A grandpa car.  At least here in my location there are vehicles that have low mileage, have been maintained impeccably, and are relatively inexpensive. Well, the current vehicle I'm using for the majority of the time, needs help engine wise. It burns oil. Can't find a re-manufactured engine for it at all. Used engines are out there but most are being reported with having the same miles as is showing on my vehicle. And it's a sight unseen type of thing. And I don't want to gamble with 1k or better when truck shipping is included.  Not set up to pull the engine and rebuild it.  There are part kits for that kind of thing.  Looking at the $, and looking at machine shop expense .. Honestly the car is worth more $ being parted out.  I don't know if I'll sell it to a automotive bone yard or donate to one of those charities.  The specific vehicle model with a specific engine / transmission I'm looking for, with proper maintenance are going 250k-300k miles, so if I find one that has 50, 60, 75K on the clock, I'll be good for a lot of years.  I'm not locked into a particular color at all.  I don't care if it has a radio or not. As long as the AC works, heater works, good shape mechanically. I'm good.

Well, need to check temps and see if perhaps my doggo wants to walk. He does enjoy it so much.  Might wait until some time after sunup and let the temps rise.

wishing all here, all the best

StartingHealing

After consulting with my mentor, and a vet, and other friends, I pulled the trigger on having a at home procedure done with my doggo. 

He crossed the rainbow bridge today.  With all that was happening to him physically, I couldn't in good conscience have him continue.  I just couldn't. My honor could not allow him to suffer any longer. His innards were failing. Attempting to remind myself that I did do the best I could at the time.  No lie that rings hollow at the moment.

With him, that makes 20 times my heart has been hurt. I know that this part is something I sign up for every time I get a doggo.  Knowing that, it still sucks(insert a nasty thing). 

I'm switching between numb and deep grief at the moment and while occasionally I'll have a dram or two of a fine aged spirit, sipping only, seeking the secrets of flavor, I admit that I might tonight go a bit further. Even now, the tears are falling. I've lost count of the times I've cleaned my glasses.  And that is perfectly fine.  It's the loss that is tied to all the other losses I've experienced in my life. The sparkle that I once saw in the everyday is dimmed.  I know it will return. When is the question that doesn't need answering now.

He was the one being that loved me for me and while I was in that * of a BPD fecal matter show, he was always there. He came into my life with the pandemic. A rescue. He was about 8 maybe 9 or so and getting to 13-14 for a pittie is really good. Lordy I will miss him. 

For now I do not know when or if I will return to walking, for he was the reason I rolled out of bed and got the 10k steps in before work. It was in the morning because during the summer, the concrete gets hot enough to burn bare flesh and before sun up was the logical option for he hated the dog boots something fierce.  I'm not going to work tomorrow. I need some time to grieve.  The vet was kind and gentle.  Took the time that was needed.  I did get a paw print as a remembrance plus the thousands of pictures in the archive.

So it's not like I haven't been through this before, and yet it still hurts as if it's the first time.  I think I will take some time and get myself straighter before taking on another doggo.  Depending on what the universe has planned for me of course. He better bring a buddy along with him though. That way there is company when I can't be home.

I don't put this out there enough.  Thank you.   All of you amazing souls that are on this.    You have given me hope, you have shown me how just showing up can change things.  Truth be told, there have been many times I have drew strength from this board.  And for all of that and more, I am grateful

I wish all here all the best. 





Hope67

Hi Starting Healing,
Sending you a heartfelt hug  :hug:
Hope

StartingHealing

Jan 21 2025

I took yesterday off from work.  Figured I would take a day and sit with my feelings.  Had a few episodes of the ugly cry, multiple washrags level.  My abs, lower back, sore, had to go to the chiropractor after I had settled out, my back went out from the intensity. 

The single bed seems so big now.  And cold.

As I was driving through the hood, getting to a main road to go to work this AM, the memories, sheesh..
Gotta get back after it.

Thanks Chart and Hope.  I appreciate the hug

Chart

I find less and less to say these days. But I'm with you, listening and understanding in a way that supposes we are very similar.
 :hug: