Acting not so nice

[storyworld]

Hello, all, moving is a high-key trigger for me, and we are in the midst of moving. This is effecting my sleep (more than my normal sleep-difficulties). I'm also acting easily irritated with my husband and am feeling the need to control my environment, which also is not pleasant for others to be around. I'm sad that I'm not showing my husband patient grace and I feel trapped in this part of my behavior.

I also have a question I would love to hear experiences on. When you have "flashback" dreams, in your dreams, does something that happened to you happen to someone you care about? Meaning, instead of it occurring to you in the dream, it occurred to someone you love and you were left watching? (Any similar odd yet potentially related dream examples would be helpful.)

And on one more note, I am deeply sad today. I'm sad about who I am, my reactions, and just in general.

[Armee]

 

That statement about feeling sad about who you are, your reactions, and in general...hit a soft spot and brought up intense sadness for and along with you. I have those days too, had one this weekend...well more shame based...and it's just so painful and hard to break away from.

I'm sorry that moving has been triggering. I don't know what we can do when we can't really control our behavior in those moments because we are too triggered. Other than just disclosing them and apologizing so at least our partners know what is happening. In fact you just helped me realize something too...I always get really snippy with my husband when we are getting ready to take a weekend day trip out somewhere. And yes of course those "family fun days" were when some of the worst fights and most spanking would happen. No wonder I'm a stress ball getting ready to leave the house to go somewhere fun. I never put those two things together so thanks for your insight which has helped me.

I have yes had those dreams where it's happening to someone else and other versions of that that are so bad I can't even say it. Those have been by far my worst nightmares where the victim and perpetrators are mixed up. I'm sorry that is happening to you and thank you for asking the question. The yucky feelings will lessen and then pass eventually. Hang in there today. 

[Blueberry]

Hello, all, moving is a high-key trigger for me, and we are in the midst of moving. This is effecting my sleep (more than my normal sleep-difficulties). I'm also acting easily irritated with my husband and am feeling the need to control my environment, which also is not pleasant for others to be around. I'm sad that I'm not showing my husband patient grace and I feel trapped in this part of my behavior.

And on one more note, I am deeply sad today. I'm sad about who I am, my reactions, and just in general.

I'm sending you compassion     
I often feel the need to control my environment and then it feels even worse when I realise how unpleasant that is for other people.

Sitting with you in your sadness. This will pass! Often difficult for me to realise at the time, but it does pass!

[Ghost]

Hi StoryWorld,

Moving is a very stressful situation. I hope your husband understands what this means to you.

I find in that kind of situation I'm not me-me, I'm triggered-me and my husband knows that. He doesn't take it personally and no it's not fun for him but he knows that if I had a choice in how I behaved in that moment, I wouldn't choose that.

I agree with Armee about those dreams. I have them too, where people are in the wrong places or what happened to me is happening to my mom. Yucky, very very uncomfortable, the worst.

I hope that you can find a few minutes to be kind to yourself during this stressful time.
Just because sometimes triggered you isn't nice does not make you a bad person.

[storyworld]

Thank you to everyone who responded, for your encouragement and for sharing your experiences. I am feeling less worked up today. My husband does understand and has been incredibly gracious, supportive, assuring and kind. Sometimes I feel frustrated that he is always the strong one, and I am always the one in need of support. But I am also very grateful for him.

[Armee]

I get that. My husband is super solid and as much as I appreciate it it's hard to feel broken when he's so stable. But then again...he didn't grow up the way we did with such intense harm.