I write letters to my abusive neglectful family members in my head

[Saluki]

I suffered a lot of abuse and neglect from my mother. This ended up extending out to being from her family members too.

I have been scapegoated by her and instead of taking the care and time to ask me my side of the story, I had my mother's words to me parroted back by members of her extended family.

I am the one who was abused. She was one of my abusers.

Why do I persist, for years, in trying to figure out if I should write them all letters, detailing the abuse, with evidence (sadly (?) I have burned some of the more distressing letters from her that attacked and blamed and demonised my then 8 year old daughter, saying she would "get pregnant".

My mother is sadistic, cruel, yet covers it up, plays victim and blames me and her family members play along.

I have moved away and not told any of them where I live.

So why do I keep composing letters to my mother and her family in my head?

Why do I torture myself?

[Moondance]

As much as I try not to think about my mother, siblings, etc, it is always there in the back of my mind.  It's like a big question mark in my brain that will never be answered.

Yes it feels like torture - everyday. I think that is the result of trauma - that is the trauma brain / torture.

I'm pretty much NC with my FOO because I wanted to stop the pain contact with them brought to me.  And that worked and will allow me to eventually, when I'm ready, work thru some of it I think. 

Thanks for your post Saluki - your words resonate with me.

[Saluki]

I'm NC too. I moved house to somewhere far away from my childhood home and haven't told my mother or any family members where I live (apart from my dad, who I rarely see or speak to). It was the only way to stop continued abuse. I'm really sorry you are going through that too. It's always at the back (and often at the forefront) of my mind too.

I just don't understand how anyone can be so cruel.

Anything to keep up appearances maybe?

Yes - feels like torture.

Thank you for your reply. I wish you weren't going through that but it's good to feel heard/not alone.

[Moondance]

I'm so sorry for what you have gone thru as well - you didn't deserve it or cause it.  You deserved so much better than that.

[NarcKiddo]

Have you tried actually writing the letters? Not to send (maybe you will eventually send, but not now) - just to get it out and on paper. That can be helpful. It may at least mean you don't keep going over it in your head.

[Saluki]

You deserved better too, Moondance. Way better. Thank you.

I have written countless letters I never sent to my mother, but only ever brewed letters to her family in my head. I used to brew and stew and concoct letters to my mother in my head and now I just think about whether I should send what I've already written to her...so I think you have a good point there, NarcKiddo. Thank you.

[Moondance]

I write a letter to my mother 30 odd years ago - she took no responsibility whatsoever. 

It was however good for me to do. I at least verbalized my truth. I was not strong enough to stand up to her though.  I actually have a copy of it.  I think I will revisit that.

 

[NarcKiddo]

https://www.cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=262.0

Have you seen that there is actually a section here for such letters? I've put a link to the guidelines for that section.

Even if you do not send a letter to the person it might feel like another step in purging yourself of the desire to write these letters by putting them in a place where others can read them. Just a thought.

[Saluki]

My mother hasn't taken responsibility for anything either, Moondance. I don't expect her to any more.

Thank you Narckiddo. I shall take a look there 🙂

[Moondance]

Nor do I Saluki, nor do I.  I feel sad for her and hope she gets help.

 

[Saluki]

Thanks Moondance. She won't. She's nearly 90. Which is supposed to be guilt inducing. She pretended to be 10 years younger until it suited her to be older...

[Saluki]

I don't understand what our mothers are so scared of, or why they don't understand why admitting what they did and how it affected us would be a good thing for everyone concerned. What's the point of living in a delusion? They know. They absolutely know. Because they did/said the abusive things.

[Armee]

I don't really know Saluki. I've asked myself the same.

My mom had bipolar diagnosis but also met all the criteria and then some for Borderline PD and in fact that is what caused nearly all the trauma and abuse. Which is like narcissism but focused on fear of abandonment and engulfment instead of grandiosity.

I suspect for my mom the thought of facing reality triggered even more intense fears of abandonment creating quite a vicious cycle. She never could apologize, express gratitude, or show love even as she lay dying. She kept it in the whole time till the end.

[Moondance]

I'm really sorry Armee you had to live in that situation.

I'm still figuring out a lot of stuff but the characteristics you listed fit my mother as well.

[Saluki]

Oh Armee I'm so sorry. I spent years trying to diagnose my mother (she refused to accept there was anything wrong with her, so never got diagnosed). And because I don't know what her feelings are behind her behaviour (apart from it always being everyone else's fault) I should probably stol trying to do so... for my own sanity...