My Inner Dialogues

[Bert]

Hey GCJ,

As I read through this today, I can see how profound and detailed your inner dialogues are. I can only imagine that them being so well observed must raise the potential of achieving breakthroughs and laying new neural pathways which will help your healing tremendously. It has really inspired me actually...

I too have a mother with BDP (feel free to hop over to my intro post to see if our circumstances align).

I want to ask you - how are you able to fluently note down which inner "parts" are speaking with you and precisely what they say? I really want to develop this practise.

Additionally, your Inner Adult is very compassionate. Has this always been the case, or has this developed with practise.

Within myself, I'm rarely able to dis-identify with the negative emotions and consequent thought patterns that crop up with even the smallest of triggers... I also rarely am able to articulate these emotions and feelings into words and sentences such as those you are able to within your inner dialogue.

As I said, your posts here have really provided me with a hope to develop this practise, and to develop a lot more self compassion.

I hope your healing journey is continuing to go well

[gcj07a]

Hey Bert,

A pleasure to meet you!

I am so sorry to hear about all you have been through. I resonate with your description of your M. If you know the classic BP "types," growing up, my M was mostly the queen with a strong dose of the witch. As I grew older and the physical and explicit sexual abuse stopped, the emotional abuse was heighted and came with a very toxic, insidious form of covert incest. She very much became most often the waif but sometimes the hermit (though the queen was always in the background).

As to your questions:

I want to ask you - how are you able to fluently note down which inner "parts" are speaking with you and precisely what they say? I really want to develop this practise.

Well, I have spent an extraordinary amount of time in therapy, meditation, and journaling. I received my C-PTSD diagnosis about four years ago and have been working ever since. These dialogues come at the end of a long process of work. I did not have this clarity at all when I first began. Also, I am a trained writer. While most of my writing is academic, I have been in creative writing workshops and have written creatively a lot. The trick, for me, is to treat the parts as characters in a drama. I don't think there are any actual parts in me--that is, I don't have alters like someone with DID would. Rather, my parts (and the whole IFS framework) is a creative way for me to imagine the tensions within myself. So, this is less of a recording of actual conversations between discreet entities and more a creative expression of the tension within my mind.

Additionally, your Inner Adult is very compassionate. Has this always been the case, or has this developed with practise.

Absolutely not. He used to be merged with the Icr. Early on, I could not get any distance between my IA and my Icr. Thankfully, doing lots and lots and lots of EMDR cultivated that compassion within me for my IC. Also, and maybe more relevant, I am a father to three kids and those kids are the ages when the abuse was at its worst. Seeing how vulnerable and young they are has really increased the compassion I feel for the IC.

Within myself, I'm rarely able to dis-identify with the negative emotions and consequent thought patterns that crop up with even the smallest of triggers... I also rarely am able to articulate these emotions and feelings into words and sentences such as those you are able to within your inner dialogue.

Right. I was right there with you for the longest time. Something that really helped me was reading the Stoic philosophers and then doing what they said, especially the Enchiridion of Epictetus. While I don't think CBT is all that useful for the treatment of C-PTSD itself, I do appreciate the practice of being able to create a critical distance between myself and my thoughts, to observe them as they pass by. I honed this skill when I was first being treated for my OCD (diagnosed about 7 years ago) and it has served me well since.

Anyhow, thanks Bert! I appreciate the comments and I also wish you well on your healing journal.

[gcj07a]

Here is a new dialogue comissioned by my Therapist. Enjoy.

Dramatis Personae:

Inner Adult (IA—this is the outward facing self, the one who makes the decisions, the *me* in everyday life; this is the teacher, the husband, the father. He is almost always in the present)

Inner Critic (Icr—this is the primary manager and probably my most active other part. He views his primary responsibility as keeping the exile from waking up. He does this by critiquing anything that might upset the exile in order to stop me from getting into situations where the exile might be subject to harm. The Icr ranges between 13-18 years old. He lives in a liminal space between the past and the present).

Inner Child (IC—this is the exile. He is approximately 9 years old. He is mostly asleep but with troubled dreams. When he wakes up he is terrified, alone, isolated, and extremely angry. He is the last of the inner children to not be integrated. In therapy a couple of years ago the IA rescued the infant, toddler, little, and teenage me, but this child refused to leave).

Firefighter (FF—this is the firefighter in traditional IFS terms. Historically his job is the job of an anesthesiologist; he is supposed to keep IC asleep. He does this through a soothing routine. His primary tools are food, prayer/meditation, isolation, massage, entertainment (podcasts, TV, YouTube, music, etc), sex (porn before I was married), and alcohol (I gave up drinking about 4 months ago after I blacked out while I was supposed to be caring for my children). He is the least defined in terms of age because he has grown along with me).

Philosopher (P—this part was a new discovery for me recently after Icr asked him for help. This part is my highly rationalistic, analytic side that is just highly skeptical. He isn't skeptical of people like the Icr, but just skeptical of claims about anything. He needs things to be clearly articulated and defended. He is pretty dispassionate and only comes to the surface when asked, which is mostly in the context of my daily work as a teacher. He came into existence in high school and has grown with me).

Artist (A—this part atrophied for a long time, but has come into his own in the last five years. He is highly creative and is a writer, an actor, and he draws (primarily the human figure). He also enjoys tinkering with home improvement projects but doesn't actually know what he is doing most of the time. He is consulted, often along with P, in the course of my daily work. He, along with P, has grown up with me).

Dialogue

IA: I have gathered you all in one place at one time to discuss what we must do going forward. As you all recall from our last session with T, we cannot maintain the status quo. Something must give.

Icr: Do you have a plan? Because I am NOT sure about this. What if he wakes up?

IA: I plan to wake him up when the time is right. He deserves to be part of any decision making process.

Icr: Absolutely not! I refuse to participate.

IA: Do you want a seat at the table? We need you. I need you. I need you to keep helping us live well.

Icr: [storms off]

IA: Ok. Anyone else object?

Icr: [from other room] I STILL OBJECT

IA: If you want to be part of the decision-making process, then please come back in here. Decisions are made by those who show up.

Icr: [slinks back in] Fine. But I object.

IA: Duly noted. Anyone else object to waking up IC?

FF: How will we put him back to sleep? It's one thing when he wakes up delirious and in a nasty dream. We can usually soothe him back to sleep with some snuggles, prayer, and a snack. But if we wake him up on purpose, aren't we risking a catastrophic meltdown?

IA: I hear you. Philosopher, what do you think?

P: Well, it is all risk vs reward, right? Why do you want to wake him up?

IA: Because he deserves a seat at the table. And I am persuaded after our last session with T that we won't get better until he gets better. And he isn't going to spontaneously recover by being sedated.

P: I guess the question is whether he can recover. I mean, he might be damaged beyond repair. In cases like this, it seems best to leave the patient sedated.

A: No one is damaged beyond repair. The world is full of surprising joys, of beautiful things made from the dust. You only have to look. If we are voting, I vote we wake the poor kid up. We might be surprised at what we find.

Icr: But the risk is enormous. Waking him up, especially if we can't control him, could be disastrous.

IA: You are right that things could go badly, but we don't seem to have much of a choice. Our current trajectory is untenable. If you have a workable alternative, please present it.

Icr: I . . . I—I don't!

IA: [gently] What is the risk we run if we don't get him help?

Icr: I don't know what you mean.

IA: You have the potential to become something like our conscience, pointing out when we have missed the mark and helping us to craft a plan to return to virtue. So what I mean is, is there anything morally concerning about leaving him sedated until we die?

Icr: Um. I—I guess leaving him sedated is not very respectful of him. It isn't how children should be treated.

IA: Ok. Anything else?

Icr: Help me out Philosopher–what is it that you are always quoting from St. Bernard of Clairvaux?

P: Oh yes, the four loves. The lowest love is the love of self for the sake of self. Essentially, I do whatever makes me happy. The second love is the love of others for the sake of self. Basically, I enter into a quid pro quo with another person. The third love is the love of others for the sake of others. This is when we sacrifice ourselves truly for the good of others. The fourth and highest love is the love of self for the sake of others. This is when we care enough about others to make sure we are at our best.

Icr: Thanks! So, basically, I guess the moral danger is spending so much of our energy on keeping the kid sedated that we are unable to be present with our own kids and wife and students and friends.

FF: I never thought of that. What could I be doing with myself if I wasn't spending all of this time on sedation duty?

A: And if the atmosphere around here wasn't so negative, I might be able to make more beautiful things.

IA: Wow! I love all the insights. So, are we agreed, do we wake him up? Let's take a vote. This needs to be unanimous. FF, how do you vote?

FF: I vote yes.

IA: A?

A: Yes.

IA: P?

P: Yes. I think your analysis of the situation is spot on.

IA: Icr?

Icr: I say yes. The worst that will happen is that we will go insane and then, if needed, we can get help in an in-patient unit.

IA: I doubt that will be necessary, but you are correct. Ok. Let's wake him up. Buddy, little one. Wake up. Can you hear me?

IC: [murmurs] Mommy? [crying] I want Mommy!


To be continued . . .