My Intro

[Myrtlesmom]

  Believe it or not my C PTSD comes from 10 years of emotional bombardment from my now 20 yo daughter with BPD/BPD (what a combo) who is now living in my home with her 22 mo child (my GS). I also try to keep a "normal" family relationship with my 13 yo son and husband. My H has been extremely supportive but the strain on our marriage has been unrelenting.
   The hovering, sabotaging every holiday, sucking the life out the room she is in, the belittling the push and pull the (oh you know the stuff that can change like the weather). And now my GS is used as a weapon and I am triggered when she yells at him and I see the cycle starting; I jump and want to rescue him.. I have lost myself, my memory and my sanity. I am in skeletal mode. If I get laundry done, feed my family and get my son to and from school make sure he does hw and to bed on time keep my GS on a schedule, I am superwoman. My house looks like the Adams family on the outside (if you are old enough to remember that) and beginning to look like hoarders on the inside..I just hadn't have any energy)  I am always haven't, and one bomb or air raid from my D can send me into a tailspin. It can happen anywhere and I go into a panic attack (I have learned this is different from an anxiety attack) my brain shuts down and I can't feel the ground. I cry at any given moment. I have lost jobs b/c schools would call to pick my raging D. D went from HS to alternative to therapeutic school with juevies and didn't help b/c she is mental health NOT a juvie..instead she got pregnant. Now there's an education for you. OK she got a GED. I am not proud of her. I hate her. I do not feel guilty. She She has tortured me emotionally; this illness of hers has broken my spirit robbed me of freedom and no one understand that it was /is out of my control. I hate that she is in my house. She can't drive, she works Part time but I drive her. Any thing to get her away for awhile I am too scared to set boundaries b/c she will go off, I will be triggered and here we go again. Nothing gets accomplished. Her rages can leave me like the aftermath of a tonado..but then she is happy and has clarity. I call that the BPD toilet flush. I just found this site this morning. I knew I had PTSD but it was not from a singular event. I am always in duck and cover mode, No there is no physical or sexual abuse. I am so sorry for those who have endured that. Emotional abuse is nebulous and like a cobweb. I hate it. I hate my life. I am creative and funny and want to break free. But I am invisible, worthless, can't hold a thought and lose everything. My memory is completely shot. This sucks. Best way to describe it. Don't you agree?

[Myrtlesmom]

sorry, the spell check made me look pretty stupid. hadn't should by haven't and then secant time...hypervigelant.

[Kizzie]

Hi and welcome to Out of the Storm Myrtle'sMom, glad you found your way here.  I completely understand that you have CPTSD from dealing with your daughter's personality disorders. One of the main criteria for CPTSD is that it involves longer term/ongoing exposure to abusive behaviour from which there is no real or perceived escape.  In your case it's your D living in your house and she is holding your GS hostage. You sound like you are very much in duck and cover mode and I know that's not a life anyone wants.

I wondered if you would mind a few questions?  The first is have you been to our sister site Out of the FOG? http://outofthefog.net/forum/. The reason I ask is that there you will find all kinds of support, information and encouragement for how to deal with your D's PD behaviour.  Half of the journey for many of us dealing with family members who have a PD is learning how to disengage from their FOG behaviour which Out of the FOG helps with, and the other is dealing with the resulting storm of emotions  - CPTSD -- which we can hopefully help with here.

My other question is are you in therapy at all?  And if not, so you think that might be helpful just to get a professional's guidance with all of this? 

Big  and take heart as you will find a warm, supportive community of people here who understand what you're dealing with.   

[bheart]

Hi Myrtlesmom.  Welcome!!!

Thank you for sharing.  I'm sorry for the complex and painful situation you are dealing with your DD and GS.    I am new also and have found this site very welcoming, helpful and supportive.