Triggered by my child?

[gcj07a]

We've been having trouble getting our middle child (age 7) to stay in her own bed at night. We recently moved to a much bigger house. But, before that, we were so cramped in a tiny apartment that she regularly slept in bed with my wife and I. We have slowly been transitioning her to her own bed in a room she shares with her younger sister and things have gone ok. But tonight she came back out of her room after being asleep for only 45 minutes. I asked her why she was up and she told me she got out of bed because she woke up. I snapped and told her that she needs to figure out how to roll over and just go back to sleep when she wakes up. And I ordered her to her room. She became dejected and sad and started to head for her room crying when I was assailed by guilt. I quickly apologized for snapping, reassured her that nothing was wrong with her, that we are all learning and change can be hard. That is when my wife walked in the door from work and she went and tucked our girl back into bed. My guilt surged again and I found myself drawn into a flashback.

My body is tense and I am trying not to cry. I am sitting on a couch in the living room while my mother shames me in front of my siblings. She is yelling and cursing and telling me just how terrible I am. And I am like, yeah, I am awful. I just shamed by 7 year-old little girl for having trouble sleeping. What kind of a-hole am I? So my current feelings of guilt merge with my old feelings of shame and I get trapped in my head, terrified that I will traumatize my kid like I was traumatized. This happens with some frequency. I am EXHAUSTED!!!! UGH.

[DD]

I so can relate to this. There are times when parts of me cringe at how I talk to my beloved kids.  And it so does combine to all the beratement and internal abuse from childhood etc.

But. I really try to remember this but. We learn parenting from our parents. My parents didn't do anything to work on their traumas and just happily passed them on thinking themselves as stellar parents.

I don't. Every day I work hard to break the cycle of abuse and transgenerational trauma.

From your text gcj07a, I am reading that you also try hard. I really don't think the same could be said for my parents. We're not perfect. And often plagued by our demons. But as long as we keep trying, it's more than was ever done for us.

This might offer some comfort: https://www.motherhoodandmore.com/a-love-letter-to-the-cycle-breakers/

Hang in there. Try to remember that you're try, hard, to give your kids something that wasn't given to you. We can't succeed every time. But it's not needed. Good enough is good enough. This one time didn't go ideally. But it was just the one time. if appropriate.

[Bermuda]

I can also relate to this. In my house we actually divide. I share a room with my son at night and my husband with my daughter just to minimise this. It's not perfect. Still, I feel so much shame when I have to forcefully tell me son to put his head on his pillow. Or when he says he has to use the bathroom when I had just asked him 15 times.

It sounds like to me, that just like me, you are really trying. You are apologising and taking accountability for your own struggles too. I think that is so huge. We are not perfect, especially in the middle of the night. It's always a fine balance to teach children that other people have boundaries too, and how to live in a world with other people, yet that their own feelings should also be respected and that they should feel loved. All we can do is try to be gentle in our delivery, and be gentle on ourselves too. It sounds like you're doing a good job.

It is triggering.

[NarcKiddo]

I quickly apologized for snapping, reassured her that nothing was wrong with her, that we are all learning and change can be hard.

This is what good enough parenting looks like, I think. I am not a parent but I certainly never, ever had this sort of apology from my mother. Just the explosions on repeat. Like you said, you are all learning and change can be hard. Over time your daughter will see that you can be relied on to own your mistakes and repair any temporary hurt. It is a good lesson and should only strengthen your relationship in the long term. Of course we never want to snap at our kids unfairly. But actually, if everything was perfect on your end all the time I am not sure that would be ideal for your daughter. How would she ever learn to manage her own emotions if she never saw a good example from you? And this was a good example.

I hope you have managed to navigate the EF. I am really sorry to read you were having to do all of this with your mother adding to the stress.

[gcj07a]

Thanks to all of you!

NarcKiddo--sorry for any confusion. The stuff with my mother was me flashbacking to when I was a kid. I wrote it how it felt--like the past coming into the present in a confusing and painful way. Thankfully, I have not had contact with her for a few weeks shy of four years.

[Kizzie]

My NM and alcoholic father never apologized to us, we apologized to them for making them sad/angry.  You are human and it's important your children know that you are not perfect and are capable of saying sorry when you do something that isn't quite the best thing to do or say. That's the way they learn how to be decent imperfect human beings. I would give my right arm to have had a parent who apologized, honestly.

[NarcKiddo]

I would give my right arm to have had a parent who apologized, honestly.

My mother apologised once after exploding at me with rage for something that wasn't my fault. I was eight. It was the only time, bar a few fauxpologies as an adult. Unfortunately for me I did not react fast enough to her follow-up demand for immediate forgiveness. Yeah, that went well...

[Moondance]

  I would give my right arm to have had a parent who apologized, honestly.

I agree with both Kizzie and NC. Good on you for being real with your child. I do not recall either of my parents ever apologizing or being accountable.

When reading your post gcj07a I felt emotional.  I read your post as an adult but my little girl came out. She needs to hear this even if
being said to someone else.

Thanks