The "Double Trigger" - uNPD sister and enmeshed mother

[Healing Finally]

Hi everyone 

As I wade through my dysfunctional family dynamics I realize that my trauma comes not only from my uNPD sister's actions, but my enmeshed and enabler mother's non-actions.  I have known this for awhile, but I am now realizing that it may be my mother's support of my sister that hurts me more than my sister's bad behavior.

These past two years I've been living with my 91 year old mother to help her out, and tomorrow she is moving into assisted living.  As you can imagine, I've done everything to prepare my mother for this move, and my uNPD sister has done nothing.

Backstory: My sister hasn't spoken to me in 9 years (until a week ago when we had to meet at the bank for my mother.) Why?  Because I called her out on her narcissistic behavior; I sent an angry email to my BIL after having a very triggered reaction to seeing her behave very immaturely, and my sister's flying monkeys (BIL and Mother) decided it was best to share it with her (sister).  Since then uNPD sister won't speak to me, and has made up stories about me that she now sticks to.  As my mother is very enmeshed with her, she supports my sister's bad behavior and does not feel she can ask to have her family together.

Yesterday my sister came here to help my mother pack.  She spent 2.5 hours helping and left.  She also spent 1/2 that time on her phone.  She made a point to not speak to me (FYI, I've sent numerous apology letters with no reply from her, and she refuses to meet with a therapist, even for our mother's sake.)

After my mother asked if it was hard for me to have her here.  I said YES it was hard!  Then she says "well, you know I have to walk that fine line between the two of you..." and that really threw me for a loop.

I wanted to say "No Mom, you are not walking a fine line, you are enabling a sick person by accepting their bad behavior." But of course I didn't.  My mother can never say anything bad about my sister.

This is what is so hard for me, it's easier for her to continue to keep me in the dog house.  OUCH. 

So my triggered mind continues to ruminate with the need to defend myself to my mother, over and over again.  It has gone on for decades.

I am so grateful to have found you all, any help is appreciated... 

[Kizzie]

It was the same in my family and it drove my H and I crazy. Now my M also happened to be an N herself, but she simply would not back me up when my F or NB did anything to hurt me.  It made her a bad M or wife I guess. 

Anyway, I hate to say this but we had to accept that she was that way and always would be so. She simply did not want to be an authentic person with real opinions.  Defending yourself to your M is probably a waste of breath. 

As for my H and I, we disengaged from the family and life was much better because we realized we were enmeshed and had been constantly caught up in all the N family dynamics that would never change. 

I'm so sorry you have a similar M and an NS.  if that's OK.

[Healing Finally]

Thank you Kizzie.  I am sorry you've had to deal with your family situation, and I wish you the best on your NC. 

It's such an eye opener when one realizes they are enmeshed, and you can't open anyone's eyes to it until they are ready.

The CPTSD thing is just so weird...the constant need to defend oneself in one's mind...argh...but I've got a psychologist now who I am working with and hope to do EMDR soon.

thank you 

[Kizzie]

Years ago someone said to me this silly little thing when I was talking about my family and it stuck with me "If you want to stop dancing, sit down."  It really helped me over the years to see when I was getting caught up in the drama and chaos that surrounds an N and to stop.  I'm quite sure I would still be dancing if I didn't have that little bit of advice. It wasn't easy at first but I got better at it and lo and behold one day I realized I was going to the dance anymore.  Awesome feeling getting unstuck. 

Good luck!