Talking with FOO About What Happened to me?

[gcj07a]

I experienced PA, EA, and SA at the hands of my undiagnosed borderline mother growing up. I went no contact with her nearly four years ago. While I made known to her and to my siblings that I was going NC, I did not dive into the details. I tried to maintain a relationship with my sister, but that has deteriorated as she labels me "toxic" for cutting our mother out of my life. When I have attempted to explain that there are things she doesn't know about, she demands that I tell her so she can decide if I have good enough reasons for going NC. I have no doubt that if I told her that our mother sexually abused me, my sister would call me a liar. I don't think she can deny the EA or the PA, but she does minimize it. Here is my question:

Do I give my sister the details? Two considerations: 1) She and my brother-in-law have five young kids all adopted out of the foster care system (really, my sister is a wonderful person who is just blind regarding our mother). They spend a lot of time with my mother. I don't know if she would abuse my sister's kids, but I don't know. My mother is getting older, so maybe not. I just don't know. 2) Who am I protecting by not revealing what happened to me? I don't care that much about protecting my mother (though, I truly view her as severely mentally ill more than I view her as evil) and want to protect her new-found stability (my father divorced her at the same I went no contact). But more than that, I don't want to be ridiculed or rejected by mutual family members with whom I still spend time and enjoy being with.

Thanks!

[NarcKiddo]

I am very sorry you experienced all of this. My take on your points:

1) You can tell your sister you experienced sexual abuse, and at what age, without giving further details. Are you conscious of any of your siblings experiencing similar abuse? If there is a safeguarding issue (which looks possible) then I think it entirely reasonable (and maybe prudent for the sake of the children) to at least inform your sister. What she does with the information is up to her, although if you spend any time with her children then I guess you could keep an eye out for any signs of inappropriate behaviour in case anything needs to be reported (to your sister/her husband/the authorities as warranted).

2) You are protecting yourself from further trauma, ridicule and rejection (assuming the family members would likely behave in that way - is it possible they might actually support you?) There is no reason to protect your mother, although if she is protected as a by-product if you protecting yourself then it is what it is. I would normally say that your only duty is to yourself. But if you think there is an actual risk of danger to minor children who may already have past trauma in view of their own history, and may not know or dare to speak up against the mother of their adopter, then your conscience may dictate that you say something rather than not. It's a tough situation, for sure.

Wishing you all the best as you ponder this.

[Armee]

It's a lot to weigh. For sure. In your shoes I might opt to write my sister a letter, telling her in a broad way that you were sexually abused by your mom, that you thought she should know so she can look out for signs in her kids or take steps to protect them, and that you are unwilling to discuss what happened to you any further. You have the right to request that she not share this with your mom because you want to make sure she stays as stable as possible, that you are not looking to accuse anyone or to repair anything etc, and that you request her not share this with anyone else other than perhaps the other parent involved in raising her kids. She may not honor any of that. But you could do this to protect your sister's kids and then refuse to speak anymore of it with anyone you don't want to have a discussion about it with. It may open a can of worms but you have every right to throw the can straight out the window and never look back. 

[Kizzie]

Very tough situation GCJ, but I understand why you want to speak up, especially given your S and family spend time with your M.  Could you arrange to speak with her with a family counselor or other mental health professional present perhaps? If it is just she and you and you are fairly certain she will call you a liar, it might add credibility and weight to what you are saying if a professional is present to guide you through what you need to tell her. The T will go over confidentiality typically, although I don't know if your S would respect that of course. A T would also likely support your decision to tell given you think the children could be in danger. The T would also likely talk about your S's need to protect her children. 

I know this is really hard but I also know if one of those children is going through anything close to what you did, they need someone to help them. Most of us didn't have anyone and look where we are.

[gcj07a]

Thanks everyone. I just sent her a text with my disclosure. Thank you all so much for your support!

[gcj07a]

Well, my sister replied that while not dismissing what happened to me, she doesn't want to be around me or my kids so she won't be falsely accused of sexual abuse.

[Armee]

I'm so sorry. You have all the information you will ever need for the rest of your life about your sister.   

[Moondance]

I'm so sorry gcj07a - that is just an awful thing to say.  IMO she is totally dismissing what happened to you.

That makes me so angry.

well said Armee

 

[gcj07a]

Thank you all. Her last message before I blocked her was that she had revealed my claims to M who did not react like a person who is guilty, so it must mean that my claims are ludicrous. I never expected such venom from her even if she has said other hurtful things in the past. Anyhow, NOT MY CIRCUS, NOT MY MONKEYS. I feel free.

[Armee]

It is extremely hurtful on so very many levels but yes you are now fully and justifiably free. Done done done.

[Moondance]

  poof gone and done.

[dollyvee]

I'm sorry gcj07a. Your sister has shown herself to be who she is and IMO too, turning it all back on you. Your heart is still working even if hers isn't.

Sending you support,
dolly