New Memories *TW--EA, CSA, PA, Suicide*

[gcj07a]

Hey all,

I tend to stay off this forum because a lot of the content can be triggering for me. But, I am back because I am desperate for people who can understand what I've been through.

About three years ago while doing EMDR on memories of EA and PA, I recovered my first memories of being molested by my undiagnosed Borderline mother (I am male). She also physically abused me and emotionally abused me. She would sneak into my room at night, lay in my bed with alcohol on her breath, apologize for being a horrible mother, and offer to kill herself. I always comforted her (even as a young boy I was made to be the parent) and then she would often fondle my genitals. Since then, I have recovered lots more memories. My wife, several close friends, my father, my priest, and my therapist know about this, though only my wife and father have any more than the basics.

After two really intense years of therapy, I was much, much better. I was so much better that I decided to try to wean off the SSRI I was on without telling anyone. Well, that went very poorly and I started drinking heavily in order to cope. When I woke up on my bathroom floor one Saturday after blacking out from the alcohol, I resolved to take action. My wife was at work that day and I had all three of my kids (ages 8, 7, and 5) at home with me. I thank God nothing happened to them (they were watching a movie when I blacked out and were still watching the movie when I woke up), but it scared me. So that evening I told my wife what happened (she is a Critical Care Nurse). A couple of days later I saw my T and my Psychiatrist, got back on my meds, and got back in therapy.

One of the things that happened after I stopped drinking was a massive influx of flashbacks, including of memories I hadn't previously explored. These memories are altogether more violent and terrifying than what I had previously worked through. They include not just fondling by my M, but also regular anal penetration with her finger and, more commonly, a thermometer. They also include more memories of PA and PA with SA (like being hit hard on my left shoulder blade by a blunt object, falling into the corner of a coffee table, and having to get stitches and the time at a restaurant where she dragged me to the back after I "embarrassed" her in front of her friends and she slammed me against the wall and grabbed me by the nuts through my pants as a punishment).

Side note: One memory I actually never lost was her trying to take my temperature rectally when I was 12. I shoved her away and told her to never touch me again (and she didn't--at that point the abuse became much more covert incest and emotional).

Anyhow, I am just now coming to terms with the fact that I was raped. Repeatedly. While I am actually coping well (still no drinking!), I am emotionally unavailable much of the time to my wife and kids. My wife keeps wanting to know what is going on with me and I just tell her I am having emotional flashbacks, but won't give any details. I feel like I CAN'T give the details. Like, even if I wanted to, I couldn't form the words. I am probably going tell my T about these memories at my next appointment, but otherwise I want the circle closed.

I guess just feel like I would infect others with the filth that is in me if I let it out. I don't feel guilty at all. I know I didn't deserve what happened to me, but I am feeling violated and dirty and disgusting. I don't want to gross DW or anyone else out.

I'll take whatever thoughts, prayers, advice, solidarity, or "hugs" are available.

[DD]

 
I'm so sorry for what you have gone through. It was wrong and such things should have never happened.

I'm struggling a lot also with getting the words out. Like there in your head but the mouth will not form them. It took me several tries to tell my therapist. He and my sister are the ones I've told in person. I practice here with the words. For me the clinical terms like "oral penetration" can sometimes be said. But the child terms for them... that's not doable yet.

It takes a lot of strength to write them out. You did that. The words will follow.

But yeah, this is a topic that's hard to talk about. Even my closest are grossed about them so I don't want to also spread the filth although I am beginning to see my innocence. This platform is a safe place in my experience for writing them out. I also journal.

I too struggle with being emotionally distant while handling this. It's too much to care, in a way.

I'm still very much in the dark parts of the healing journey so I can't say what comes after. But I can promise you're not alone.

You're not alone.
You matter.
You are lovable and valuable just as you are.
This too shall pass.

I talked with my sister who has gone thrlugh similar to what I have. She promised me it gets better.

[Armee]

Hi, I'm here and can hear it. I am so so sorry that happened to you. By a mother adds a whole additional huge layer of betrayal to what you went through.

I was not assaulted by my mom (well not like that but she would put her hands down my pants and underwear on my backside when I was pretty old. But that I count more as just invasive lack of boundaries as it wasn't done for any gratification). But anyway sorry I digressed...my mom was also Borderline PD and I understand the emotional manipulation around suicidality and comforting they provoke and how that feels to a child. I know how much I wanted her to stay away from me but needing to comfort her to stay alive and I can't imagine adding onto that an additional layer of assault. I'm sorry. I know it is so very damaging.

I am so proud of you for getting this out here though, and for telling your wife and getting help with drinking. That is so amazingly courageous.

I took a really long time to tell my husband things. He was patient and I know your wife will be patient too. I used my Therapist sometimes too to help with the communication about what is going on and what happened and how to support me through things like dissociation. A couple times I had him go in with me and once I also had him talk alone to my husband, since I trusted both of them so much and he didn't have to be so careful in how he said things to not trigger me, with me not there.

Keep going. I don't know you but I am amazed by your courage to seek help and stop drinking and to keep going. 

[Kizzie]

I know you feel the filth is in you GC and I'm so sorry that's what your M has left you with. I'm glad you don't feel guilty and I certainly understand the shame. It's quite common for survivors to feel a deep sense of shame about what happened to us. The filth is in your M, something she should never ever have passed to you.

It may be that getting angry is what it will take to defuel all the filth you feel, to hold your M accountable, if Pete Walker (wrote "CPTSD: From Surviving to Thriving") is correct about dealing with emotions/thoughts like this. It's a helpful book if you don't have it already. Just a suggestion of course.

[woodsgnome]

Dear GC,

For a wordless horror, the words you chose here to try and dissolve a tiny bit of the pain, was an incredibly powerful statement of the strength and beauty of your being.

It's a very lonely trail, but knowing you're here speaks to the hope we all are desperate to attain.

I don't have any adequate words, just en-courage-ment to stay on course; towards the new life you are now crafting for yourself.

[gcj07a]

DD,

Thank you so much! I really appreciate the encouragement.

---------------

Armee,

Thank you for the encouragement. I'm not sure if it is really courage, though. Maybe just necessity at this point.

--------------

Kizzie,

Thanks so much for the book suggestion! I bought the audiobook and am about 2 hours into it (out of 10). It is AMAZING and is revolutionizing my approach to recovery. I have had a C-PTSD diagnosis for about three years, but this is the first time I've heard of the book. Thank you!

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Woodsgnome,

Thank you so much for the encouragement. I really, really appreciate it.

[gcj07a]

All,

Yesterday at dinner my wife gently let me know that she had seen the content of the original post I put on this thread. Basically, I had left it open on a computer where she would find it. It seemed the easiest way to communicate to her what I wanted her to know without telling her directly. I feel so much better that she is helping me bear my burden and I feel tremendous gratitude for a wife who loves me so well and is so supportive.

I see my psychiatrist today, my T later this week, and I am getting coffee with a new friend (he is also a minister in my denomination) who I recently found out also suffered CSA from his mother when he was a kid. Anyhow, I feel supported by you all and by the IRL people. Thank you all so much.

[Armee]

I'm so glad you have your wife and minister to talk to and get support from. One of the worst parts for me was feeling so alone and like I couldn't talk to anyone about it. Breaking the silence and getting support for something you've had to bear for so long alone is important. And to me even though I too really bristle at the word courage especially when something is breaking me apart and it feels like there's no choice...it does take tremendous courage to overcome the silence, at least for me. The act of leaving the page open was tremendously brave in my book.

[Kizzie]

    Support is everything. 

[gcj07a]

Just need to vent if that's ok--

My wife worked yesterday, so I was home alone with our three girls. I felt the flashback coming on (extreme thirst is always a sign) and started to catch glimmers of the flashback, but I had to push it away until my wife got home. I told her what was going on and then I laid down on the bed and couldn't fight the flash back anymore. It was a new memory. But, like the other memories I've recovered, I wondered how I could have forgotten. I ended up vomiting and sobbing and the release felt good. I then went to bed early (despite my fear of nightmares) and actually slept pretty well, thank God.

*TW--Suicide mention, CSA*

My M forced me to orally stimulate her (using a clinical phrase on purpose). I did so and immediately was so disgusted I ran off and vomited in the hallway. I laid down in my bed and shivered and cried. She came into my room at some point, apologized, and offered to kill herself if I wanted, and FORGAVE me for vomiting in the hallway. She reminded me that I was disgusting and only a mother like her could love a gross boy like me.

What kind of person does that to a kid?!?!?!?! Why am I so baffled even now? Why am I continuously surprised at the monstrosities perpetuated against me???

Not long after this (and this is a memory I have never forgotten), I took a bath with my younger sister and forced her to orally stimulate me and I also orally stimulated her. I threatened her if she ever told anyone. I have often wondered how I knew to do that to her. I guess I know now.

Is there no end to the depth of the corruption in me? Am I doomed to constantly remember these hellish memories? Will I ever be set free?

[Kizzie]

Tks gcj for being respectful of other members and including TWs and using less graphic language. 

I felt such horror at what your M did to you and then of course that she tried to make you feel responsible. You asked "What kind of person does that to a kid?!?!?!?!" and I don't have a good answer to that other than to say they are often badly wounded people themselves. I know in my case both my parents had very traumatic childhoods and it pushed my M into NPD and my F to be a cold and domineering alcoholic.  I'm not excusing them because I also believe they made choices but it explains to me why they were like they were. I keep in mind now that wounded humans often treat other humans badly, especially vulnerable children.   

Our stories are unthinkable, unfathomable. But that's why we're here, to finally let our memories out of the dark corners we shove them into and out into the light of day. Call it "sunshine therapy". Those memories eventually lose pain when brought they are shared with safe people who acknowledge and support us.

    

[Armee]

I feel very honored that you are trusting us with these memories. 

I don't understand at all who would do that to a kid, let alone a mom to her own kid. It is truly unfathomable. Like Kizzie said people who do this are often quite hurt themselves but it is not in any way an excuse. She hurt you in the deepest most intimate way and betrayed the core role of a mother to protect and care for her children.  She had no right to hurt you.

I do know that the flashbacks are a way to start to get this stuff out of you, seen, heard, validated, and healed. With help and empathy and validation this will in time ease. It will always be a bad thing that happened with significant damage done, but I think the flashbacks and immediate sense of it happening right now will lighten as you process this. Things will start to feel like the past instead of the present and something you survived instead of something you are still enduring, eventually, with healing.

But right now this stage of remembering vividly is pretty horrible. Worse in many ways than the original event because it keeps repeating in the present moment. Take good care of yourself, let your wife take good care of you, and we'll be here to support and listen, too. There are a lot of us on this forum who have experienced this stage of vividly remembering assaults or are currently on this path alongside you. The horror of what she did to you is unique but you are not alone.

[Moondance]

Yes we are alongside you.

What she did to you is horrific and there are no words to express the deep sorrow I feel that you experienced this at the hands of your M.

I agree with Kizzie and Armee that people who do these things come from a place of hurt but not an excuse by any means.  I tell that to myself often because I just can't comprehend how or why. 

You are so very courageous to share these memories.

 

[blue_sky]

GC you are so courageous and strong. We are here for you.

Sometimes there isn't any answer to why someone would do something like that.

I completely understand that feeling of "filth" within us. When i feel that, i like to imagine taking a quick, warm shower and covering up with a soft towel to feel "clean".

EMDR has been very helpful in processing some of the flashbacks for me. It doesn't necessarily stop the flashbacks but I feel like the intensity has lessened over time.
However, it is quite a lengthy process. In one year, i have processed only 1 memory and my CSA went on from ages 5 (i think) to 19.

Gotta take one day at a time. I feel so happy that you have such a loving wife and our OOTS family is always here.

    Big hugs if that's okay.