too much

[sanmagic7]

hope, i truly appreciate thoughts, ideas, opinions, suggestions, observations, etc., mainly becuz i can't see everything, don't always know how i'm feeling emotionally, don't have a stable, true sense of my 'self'. so thank you for your comments, suggestions, and opinions.  they are more than welcome.  i've lived nearly my entire life thru other people, how they act/react and oftentimes still do. i told my T to keep telling me things like i'm super stressed right now cuz being stressed feels normal and i can't always know.

when i said 'processing' i meant emdr processing which is useful for trauma and things like flashbacks and triggers.  she is very gentle w/ me cuz of what's happened, how i've reacted at times (like being overwhelmed for 2 weeks by a new emotion that popped up from an old memory). she is very concerned and utilized everything she knew to help me problem solve for a way to be able to get a cheaper place to live, asked me to give her all this worry and fear, she'd hold it for me so i'm not so inundated. thank you for your concern, tho, hope. it's just that since this financial thing is ever present in real time, i'm actually showing feelings and emotions that are appropriate.  it's just that, on top of my traumatic past, my concerns are putting me over the top. your hug of comfort and safety felt really good.  thanks for that.  wonderful. 

armee, i get the idea of trying to think about what might helps someone in a situation where they're hurting, and i could feel the realness of that in your post. i know you're coming from a place of concern, so your advice is welcome!  unfortunately, altho i've used flash technique almost exclusively in the past year, since my eye went wonky anything to do w/ eye movements have been off the table.  we did try tapping once, and that seemed ok, so i might try that again. after i read your response, i did try moving my eyes side to side and it just didn't feel good, so i've still got to let that method of processing go.

but part of my problem is feeling the fear for the first time, which is what's so difficult to manage right now. my T and others have said it's something i'll need to learn to live w/, but i've had so little practice up to now. so the danger is real and present, and it is a danger, so fear is appropriate here, but since i haven't been friends with fear in forever, i just don't know how to get along with it and it's overwhelming all my senses, tools, thought processes, and way to be. and it's stressing me out as well, so i'm pretty messed up right now.

i have no doubt this new *actually, i've felt like this before, but it went away as i was getting more sense of self) feeling of being a shell is related to not only the fear, but the stress and tension it's brought along w/ it. i've had anxiety attacks the past 2 nites, which started after talking w/ my T about all this. She told me how my eating is directly related to the amount of stress i'm under, and i appreciated that insight, cuz it took a lot of shame and guilt off me. i asked her to do more of that for me, tell me how someone would normally be reacting or feeling, cuz i have so little sense of it for myself.

i feel like i'm rambling.  i so appreciate the support, care, and concern for me cuz i'm in a pretty bad place. thank you all.

[Eireanne]

 

[Armee]

Just sending tons of love to you, San. 

And yeah it makes so much sense to be very very cautious with anything approaching "processing" given the potential for things to come up when you are in a really fragile place right now. And it's OK to be fragile. I don't mean that as an insult. I've been in fragile places too where things can easily tip the boat.  When it does come time to dip toes back in...the way I've done flash doesn't involve any eye movements because there was about 6 months where I literally couldn't do them. It was just either tapping my knees (myself, NOT T) or butterfly hugs across the body. No eye movements. But flash was mostly a disaster for me. We can only try to find what works for our own unique pain points.

I'm here, caring.

[Kizzie]

  from me as well San. Definitely been in some fragile states myself from time to time and it's just hard I know.  Sending some gentile comfort your way.

[Moondance]

  

[sanmagic7]

thanks for the hug, EA.   back to you

armee, i appreciate you putting the term 'fragile' out there. yes, it fits. i've only ever called it feeling weak (not in a bad way), but fragile may be more precise, as in easy to break. yeah, i'm at that point for sure.

the way i've used flash was w/ eye blinks, and it's worked so very well for me.  i'll ask my T today about tapping, if she knows how to do it that way. for now i think she's just trying to help me stabilize.  thanks for the info. 

kizzie, that gentle comfort made me want to cry. thank you.

beautiful big hugs, moondance.  thanks

thank goodness i can keep my head in the writing world for a bit at a time. i finished a first draft of my own, so now it gets gone over w/ a nitpicking fine comb (ewww - i actually had to do that once for my D1 - not fun!) and i'm editing my D's newest. it really helps keep me away from remembrances and present-day fears. at least for 1/2 hr. or so. 

fragile really fits well, and i totally felt it yesterday.  my D was out delivering, needed to come home early cuz she was freaking out about some physical stuff. i could feel w/in myself how badly i felt for her, going thru one more thing, but what popped out of my mouth was a joke rather than a comfort. i could feel myself cracking open and could not take one more second of anything neg.

it made me realize how tight i've been holding myself against this financial stuff, my stuff, and my D's stuff. fragile fits for sure. being on the breaking point is too much.

[Armee]

Ah darn I forgot about the blinking part. 

Gentle soft hugs of fuzzy blankets

[Moondance]

Sanmagic7,

I'm with you in all of this 

[Blueberry]

Sitting with you san  

The fact that a joke popped out of your mouth instead of words of comfort tells me in itself that everything is too much.

[DD]

Gentle friendly san

A joke is not always bad either. If I am in a state, my SO will often crack a joke to get my mind in a different space. And it's ok too. It shows he cares for my mental state.

Words of comfort can come later too.

[sanmagic7]

thanks, armee, for all the soft.

i appreciate you being w/ me, moondance

blueberry, you actually brought tears to my eyes.  thank for recognizing what that joke meant. 

DD, i understand about the joke thing being pos. at times.  at this time it wasn't at all - it was a fright reflex, which is not where a good joke comes from. thank you for that big hug

my T helped me relieve some of my stress yesterday in a big way.  we decided that me going on deliveries w/ my D, especially for the evenings, is not a good idea at all for me.  i listed all the things i'm stressed about concerning prep time, if i can eat, when i can eat, water consumption, anxiety, dealing w/ her frustration if she can't find the right apt. to deliver to, etc. - it's too much.  once we reached that conclusion, i let out several breaths of relief, huge ones, and i knew it was the stress over this that was being emitted.

so, that was good.  then, last evening, my D told me we have enough to pay bills for sept. it's come down to one month, and we don't know if or how that will happen for oct. so, my gut took a nose dive, and the fear has engulfed me again.  i can barely stand it, am ready to tap out.  how long can one person stay strong? too much.

[Blueberry]

She told me how my eating is directly related to the amount of stress i'm under, and i appreciated that insight, cuz it took a lot of shame and guilt off me. i asked her to do more of that for me, tell me how someone would normally be reacting or feeling, cuz i have so little sense of it for myself.

I'm so glad she gave you that insight! and that you were then able to translate that into shedding a lot of the shame and guilt. It's you who took her information on board and did the shedding     Also great self-care in asking her to give you similar insights going into the future  

I resonate with most of the post that the bit I quoted is part of. I'm also eating as if there's no tomorrow, so you were not alone there the other day. Not that two non-healthy responses make one healthy one, but we will both move back out of that phase, as we have both done in our own time in the past.   

[sanmagic7]

thanks for all the kindness, blueberry.

i'm really not up for responding to others right now - too much bogging me down.  wish i could cuz i love you all

[Blueberry]

You're welcome san  

[Armee]