Miscellaneous ramblings of NarcKiddo

[NarcKiddo]

Thanks all. 

My T thinks this has been a very positive development for me. By the time she expressed this view I was already pointing out the helpful sides of it. I think I was upset because this was a large step in my emotional acceptance of the fact that to FOO I am just a cog in their dysfunctional machine. I've known it intellectually for a long time, and I think I have emotionally realised it for quite some time in the case of my M. Because my F is generally so distant I (or rather Little NK) may have harboured some hope that perhaps he has more regard for me than a mere cog, but just has not been able to express that.

I don't feel sad or angry any more. I mean, I do still feel righteous indignation about all sorts of aspects, but my basic feeling is that sort of sour, flat acceptance when you realise something is what it is and you cannot change it. So now I must concentrate on how I will navigate the situation ongoing.

M phoned me today with an update I was not really interested in. I think she realises she has been played by F, though. She said he is so grateful he was not shoved into a care home. (This from the man who suggested an ongoing care need in the first place!) I said to her "I don't think he ever had the slightest intention of going there." She was taken aback by this comment, giggled in a sort of embarrassed way, and promptly changed the subject. Whatever her view about having been played by him she will not like the fact that I have seen through the situation.

Annoyingly, I made a couple of other helpful suggestions during this saga. I hope that from now on I will be able to override this tendency and STFU. I have got better at that over recent years, but still. Even more annoyingly, M has decided that the other two suggestions are completely helpful and she is following both of them up. F needs to agree to both and I am not clear if he has agreed to either. One involves obtaining a device to enable F to access his emails if he has to go into hospital again. He is a complete Luddite where technology is concerned. She is obtaining one herself and plans to learn how to use it so she can then teach him. Unfortunately it is a brand she knows I use and I can foresee being asked to teach her. That could be an interesting conversation, given I don't plan to be involved in anything "to help F". Not because I am unwilling to help with anything ever again (though my willingness is a very thin thread by now) but because I am not going to get sucked into some pointless activity that F does not even want but does not have the guts to be truthful about. Been there, done that.