Forging New Paths

[Blueberry]

I really admire and want to mention all the difficult work you have been doing and facing.  You are strong and courageous. 

Thank you for writing that At the moment, it's next to impossible for me to feel that with my emotions, but that may come. It's certainly helpful to read it. 

Moondance, I'm now able to feel some of what you wrote in my emotions. So thank you. 

Re: tiredness and yawning. For me those can definitely be a sign of an EF, in fact they're a very common sign. A couple of days ago, I got a number of things done, but hadn't yet managed to vacuum and mop - both of which really needed to be done. I was really tired but after supper I decided to push through with it. Interestingly enough, I wasn't any more tired afterwards than before. That told me that the physical tiredness I'd been feeling wasn't actually physical, it was an EF. That's the first time I've had it so clear. It makes sense to me that I would react with tiredness because as a child from maybe 7 yo, I was often tired and physically weak and by the time I was in my early teens, I was sleeping and/or pretending to do so even in the daytime as an escape. It worked too mostly. I got ridiculed and harangued a lot less by FOO when it looked as if I was asleep. I yawn and yawn and yawn when something's processing internally. I yawn so much my jaws ache and my eyes run, but as I say I know something is processing, so that feels good at least in a way.

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I'm doing better bit by bit. When I first came home, I was buying prepared salads every day to make sure I ate. The past few days, I've bought bags of pre-washed lettuce but I've been making the rest of the salad on my own with whatever else is hanging around. With whatever I'm doing in the course of the day, I have more stamina. I feel fine about working once a week at the farm. I even stayed 2 nights last week and I'm going up later today to stay till Monday. The week before I worked at the farm, I tried to sweep an elderly friend's sidewalk for him and I was too exhausted to complete it. He was however grateful for the amount I had done. Next week he's having an eye op, and although I can't and won't promise him I'll help in his garden and/or the sidewalk, I think it's likely that I'll manage a few things for him. Yesterday or the day before I got a bunch of windfall apples - they need to be dealt with soon i.e. today but I will manage that before I head to the farm.

The first couple of times I used my dishwasher since I got home from inpatient, I had anxiety which I could feel physically - mostly about all the different noises no matter how small. Today I set it in motion again and there was no anxiety. Tho there is a little now writing about it. But still whatever the exact 'topic' behind the anxiety is, it's hampering me less.

I've moved some bookshelves around to where it makes better sense and so have been able to unpack more book boxes and flatten them for storage until they're all empty and then the removal company will collect them again   When the boxes finally get collected, that will feel good and my apartment will definitely look better. One of my goals for the near future is unpacking the remainder of the boxes but to do that I need a place to put contents other than piling them on the floor. The good thing is: I have a manageable goal. Not too many days ago, the idea of goals was too much.

[Armee]

That sign of an EF makes so much sense... sleeping or pretending to sleep was a protective mechanism you used to escape more harm and so even if you aren't recognizing the trigger, recognizing the sign you've been triggered is so smart. Excessive sleepiness is also a sign of dissociation for me and I also used sleep to escape. It all makes sense to me what you are saying. Blueberry.

Whenever you list what you've done it always feels like so much!

I'm glad you are back home, adjusting gently by first buying prepared salads, and you are so kind to take your very limited energy and to spend it helping others.

[sanmagic7]

sounds like you're doing a good job of transitioning, blueberry.  please continue to be gentle w/ yourself.  love and hugs

[Moondance]

The sleepiness and yawning as EF's make so much sense to me Blueberry.

I've been extremely sleepy and yawning since A got back.  I've been sleeping a lot. I am becoming more aware of how I'm feeling and responding or not responding since his return.

Thank you for sharing those symptoms and also how working thru the tiredness you mentioned made you aware it was clearly an EF.

And I'm glad you were able to feel the words in your emotions.

I get hope from each of your posts

 

[dollyvee]

Hi BB,

I think to a cerrtain extent, I like rules too. They're something that keeps us safeguarded where we probably weren't at other times. I also notice a lack of motivation to do things. I know I can get them done and usually do, but it's also as if something in me sees them as big, overwhelming and scary. I'm slowly unpacking this and, for me, I think there a few factors at play. One is physical and I think the mold and mycotoxins have been an issue as they influence your dopaminergic channels. (I took some vitamin c the other day at a slightly higher dose - I used to take EmergenC all the time - and all of a sudden I wanted to clean). The other is related to FOO and how they were pretty critical of me and the things I did.

Very slowly, I am trying the daily morning homework in Joanne Twombly's book, which does make a difference at times. I also notice I "forget" to do it at others (funny that). Perhaps because I just feel that nothing will be good enough. I also notice parts that have resistance probably because so much was always expected of me, and that I had to take on everyone else's responsibilities, that I don't want to do anything even though I know it feels good when I do it.

I also think we push people away because at one time we needed to do that to be safe. For me, it's perhaps likely that there are still parts living in that time, or thinking they need to do that to feel safe.

I hope you're able to find some space to be gentle with yourself in your routine,
dolly

[Hope67]

Dear Blueberry,
I haven't popped into your journal for a while, but I wanted to say I'm glad you're back home again safely and that you are here in the forum again - I missed you!  Sending  you a hug 
Hope 

[Blueberry]

Thank you Hope    I read in your Journal recently but couldn't write for whatever reason.

We're having a heatwave and it's really humid too. The water's running down me in rivulets, just with sitting never mind cycling which I had to do this morning from A to B to C. Not that it was far at all and it even gave me a bit of a breeze.

My new apt isn't very heat proof. My old one remained pretty cool even in the hottest summer. I know I need to do something about the heat eg. by installing blinds on my kitchen window but there are too many things to do otherwise that have deadlines and are also difficult, triggering. Because of one appointment, which I hadn't thought would throw me, plus a phone call I knew would be difficult, I didn't get up till almost 11am. Anyway, there's an end in sight to the heatwave, temperatures are meant to drop by about 25°C next week.

[sanmagic7]

sorry you're suffering in the heat, blueberry.  hopefully it will pass soon.  please be careful.  love and hugs

[Moondance]

Blueberry - I'm glad it will be cooling off for you.

It's too hot for a big hug soooo 

[Blueberry]

I feel bad for not replying individually to those kind mbrs who've written on here in the past while. Somehow I can't atm. That feels very rude of me.

Good Things from yesterday:
I went swimming to cool off

a friend did 2 loads of laundry for me (washing machine developed a problem just before I went inpatient) and got them all dried outside in the sun too;

a bus stopped on the main road of a busy intersection so I could come out of the side road where I live and cross to get on the bike path, the bus stopping kinda forced the car driver on the opposite side of the road to stop too   Needless to say, bus and car both had right-of-way.

I had 2 showers yesterday - to cool off. Showering has been really difficult recently, so 

Had a nice chat with neighbour woman downstairs and got to pet her super-friendly dog
 
In the evening a very bad thunderstorm with pelting rain got up while I was at the nearby grocery store. I waited a while, hoping it would ease up before the store closed because I'm frightened of being out and about in thunderstorms when the lightning is near. A customer greeted me on his way in and on the way back out he offered to drive me home. We knew we knew each other by sight but couldn't think where from, but I knew it was safe to go with him 

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Yesterday I had my final T appointment with the trauma-informed therapist I've been going to for aaaages. I thought 5 years, but turns out when he looked in his notes, it's actually 8 years. On the way there I was thinking what to say and I had no idea, even though he'd said we'd be looking at my progress over the years. All I could think of was my progress during the inpatient stay. He asked about that too, to start off with, and then therapy with him over the years, including what had been good for me about his therapy, which surprised me because he's retiring in a month. But it was good for me to list it and I presume that's at least one reason he asked. It was so so helpful for me that he accepted me where I was and not where he thought I 'should be' after so much therapy (his and previous therapists'). Not just helpful, really almost necessary for me to progress at all. There have been other Ts and docs who've understood a lot and who have helped by accepting me as is for a while, but they all got impatient eventually (all except my almost ex-GP and the main Ts where I used to do weekend retreats and the most important Ts for me in new inpatient place). But the rest - they'd start confronting and intimating or even saying that I'm actually no better than mbrs of FOO. Plus deciding I was too 'aggressive' (mostly verbally) to have cptsd or to have suffered CSA and all sorts of mess of that nature, some of which was pretty triggering and threw me back essentially. So one reason why recovery is taking so long. I couldn't trust these people who were supposedly helping me, after all. And they - like FOO - didn't want to let me trust my own feelings, judgements, opinions etc. One even threw me out of therapy to go and sort out 'the problems I had with her on my own' and then I could come back. Needless to say, I didn't go back but that experience set me back really badly.

Then there were Ts I tried out for a few times and knew I couldn't stay with them at all because they couldn't deal with my need to 'not be asked many questions'. It's taken a long time to figure out that it's not the questions per se that were triggering but rather the number of questions, the expectation about how quickly I could answer them (right away!) and tone of voice etc which would show it wasn't really a question, it was mostly a rebuke or ...?? (maybe I'll think of a better word later) disguised as a question. They were often 'Why' questions. Not asked neutrally or out of real interest, but with an undertone of 'why did you do that?', why (on earth) did you think that?', 'Why didn't you do something else?' Now my mind is blank. Hard topic. I hope to continue about my final T appt later.

[Armee]

I'm so sorry you are losing your current trauma T. Those others you have had sound awful. I too am quite triggered by questions, probably for different reasons, but a even moderately competent trauma T would understand that and adjust, not shame. Those are some phenomenally bad experiences you had with Ts. I'm so sorry you went through all that.

Congrats on all the great things yesterday...2 showers, the ride home in the storm, busses stopping for you .... all great things but even better that you notice them. 

[Moondance]

Gosh Blueberry your post resonates with me so much.

I half always expect my current T to be impatient with my lack of progress, etc.  I so get it how it sets us back.

I think we should become the poster children to educate on RELATIONAL trauma (CPTSD).  How can they not get that's it's about trust and how deeply that further traumatizes someone seeking help.

Many, not all, of those in the helping profession or dealing with CPTSD profession, including disability insurance companies are properly trained.   

Anyway sorry that felt like a rant - sorry 😞

You do you Blueberry - which is wonderful by the way.  I personally don't expect a response.   Keep looking after you and your needs.  This is what matters for each of us - to keep looking after ourselves.  I'm a fine one to say that but I do believe that is what each of us are striving for. Because nobody else did.

 
 

[dollyvee]

Hi Blueberry,

I think a lot of us are aware of relational trauma and how difficult it can be to connect or to even have an individual response/connection sometimes.

I'm sorry your t's got frustrated with you for not answering their questions and basically just doing the things you needed to do for yourself, even if you couldn't explain why. To me, I think that's the biggest thing I'm realizing children who have NPD parents/family members face, that you can't explain what it's like not to have a Self, and you don't even know what that is/feels like to not have one because it wasn't ever safe to do so. These are just my experiences though.

Sending you support,
dolly

[Blueberry]

I half always expect my current T to be impatient with my lack of progress, etc.  I so get it how it sets us back.

Once I asked my old T of the past 8 years (he really is my old T now   ) if he would ever say I had to go because I was healed 'enough'. "No, definitely not", said he, shaking his head emphatically. I knew then that I could trust him on that point, but I had had to ask. And I also knew by that point that it was OK to ask. He wouldn't have been offended. One of the outpatient trauma Ts I tried out last year (upon recommendation of inpatient trauma T) was offended by some statement or question that came out of one of my parts SMH     

Anyway sorry that felt like a rant - sorry 😞

I do believe you that it felt like that for you, but it honestly didn't for me.  

Keep looking after you and your needs.  This is what matters for each of us - to keep looking after ourselves.  I'm a fine one to say that but I do believe that is what each of us are striving for. Because nobody else did.

These are very good words for me atm. You say you're a fine one to say it - I also really get that feeling, it resonates big time. I want to counter that with the thought that if you or I are saying that kind of thing to each other, even if we can't always yet do it for ourselves, we're still strengthening the neural pathways a little bit in pointing it out to each other. So long as we're genuinely working on our own stuff which afaic we both are, then no harm done.

Before writing that para I was still scheming about going over to the grocery store and buying some treats that undoubtedly some part of me needs or thinks she needs but most of me definitely doesn't need, particularly not my physical body. But fortunately it's too late to go over - it would be a real rush before closing. I don't feel like making that rush which I suppose means that the craving is not at maximum strength, otherwise I would make the effort. So in this moment it's good to re-gain that knowledge that there are different strengths and I'm not at the max. I can find a different way of dealing    

[sanmagic7]

hey blueberry,

just want to say i'm thinking of you.  love and hugs