Forging New Paths

[Not Alone]

  Big realizations and growth. You are working hard. Yea for you.

[Hope67]

 
Hope 

[Blueberry]

Thank you all for your messages  

I came home from inpatient place yesterday. They asked me how I felt and I myself was very surprised to feel confident and optimistic for the first time ever at the end of an inpatient stay. I also said I felt calm, also a first. One mbr of staff said it was also the first time she could feel my calmness, which surprised me because I thought I was a calm kind of person. But she said most patients get stirred up in that place - it's part of treatment really - because your problems and symptoms are automatically nudged a bit. Makes sense of course. So I suppose I'm often a quiet person, not to be equated with calm. It was interesting to me how much I don't really feel what's going on with and in me. This then comes out as verbal aggression and/or maybe unexpressed aggression, which people around me can sense however. Or unexpressed fear/anger, also sensed however and people avoid me.

I came home yesterday, as I wrote, and have done more or less zero of use since then. I know what I could be doing however. Well, maybe tomorrow.

What was huge in my last few days inpatient was to realise a bunch of my own shortcomings and not annihilate myself internally, or verbally to others. I did speak to mbrs of staff, I guess you would call them psychiatric nurses in English. I had very useful conversations with some of them! They gave me support and their words were nothing like annihilation.

[sanmagic7]

welcome home, blueberry.    sounds like you did a lot of work with some excellent results.  i get the idea of not realizing how or what you're feeling and it comes out aggressively.  i hope you can take this new sense of calm, confidence, and optimism and enjoy it forever - my wish for you.  love and a hug filled w/ retaining all you learned. 

[Armee]

Hi! Welcome back! You've done a ton of hard work and I have no doubt it will pay off. 

[Kizzie]

Yes, welcome home BB, missed you! Maybe you didn't annihilate yourself (and that's really good to hear), because your shortcomings aren't so much shortcomings as simply being human?  We (survivors) seem to expect way too much of ourselves, I guess it's so no-one can hurt us if we're perfect.

Anyway, bravo for all the hard work you did in the program   

[Moondance]

Welcome back Blueberry!

You were missed!!!

Sounds difficult but amazing results from all the work and time you put in to your healing the past few months.  Way to go Blueberry!

  

[Blueberry]

I'm having trouble writing on here atm. I'm not doing well. 'All' I need to do is get my act together but I prefer reading and/or eating and that is mostly what I do, or sleep of course.

[Kizzie]

Do what you need to BB, big hug 

[Moondance]

  if okay if not please disregard

[sanmagic7]

take your time, blueberry.  you've been thru a lot in the past month.  you deserve some rest and relaxation. love and hugs

[Armee]

 

Huge transition. We're here, even if you can't write.

[Blueberry]

Thank you all for responding. 

Writing did help me to go downstairs and out into the garden where I did a little weeding and put one of the bins out for collection tomorrow. While doing so, I obviously got some fresh air and felt the ground under my feet and the weeds in my hands, these are all things that help me feel a little grounded. I also phoned an elderly lady I know who had an operation a few weeks ago.

Since I've been back home from inpatient, I've had trouble feeling any kind of reason to keep going. I'm not going to do anything to myself, no worries there, but I don't feel any kind of goals. Not even any small ones. On top of that, my dreams have been quite vivid and strange. Nothing particularly bad going on, just people and places from years ago in my dreams e.g. grandparents (all long since passed) and then me feeling as if I don't belong in the country I live in or even the house.

I intended to go up to the farm on the weekend, but then I simply didn't go. Maybe it is too much atm, idk. I read of 2 different families desperately looking to rehome their small pets and I felt a surge of energy, but I know it wouldn't hold, that's not the answer, I can hardly look after myself atm. In fact for the first time ever, I have a new diagnosis which could be translated into 'Neglect of self', I suppose.

[Blueberry]

Maybe you didn't annihilate yourself (and that's really good to hear), because your shortcomings aren't so much shortcomings as simply being human?  We (survivors) seem to expect way too much of ourselves, I guess it's so no-one can hurt us if we're perfect.

You're very nice Kizzie, but unfortunately you've never met me in a group in person This time I was able to see and feel how much I'm critical of others and of how much I try to push people into doing what I think is best and I do this by harping on about rules. I even went into this mode where I assumed I knew more than the T in group therapy about running a group     Yes, I do this partly to feel safe, though trying to get others to stick to my rules, or any rules, has never been particularly helpful or successful.

There were tons of survivors in the inpatient place, more than were even in the various different trauma groups and afaik almost all cptsd, rather than ptsd, so I can't hide behind my diagnosis. My inpatient trauma T thinks the part of me that goes "ROAR" from time to time is more a mode than a dissociative part. I feel now that the "ROAR" mode or part gives me energy and some sort of direction, which I now no longer have, hence roving between computer, bed (or for a few days now sofa) and electric kettle (for tea) and fridge. I noticed in the inpatient place that "ROAR" made me unpopular (people are frightened and/or annoyed) but also ashamed of myself, so I'd pull back even further.

I didn't annihilate myself because that was something I was working on not doing, so that's at least one big piece of progress.

[Kizzie]

OK BB, I hear you.  Big hug my friend