Old flame burns my fingers

[MarinaMoonchild]

 
I feel like I am losing my mind these days. I am really struggling to be present in my marriage.  I found out i am pregnant and it is something I have been wanting for a long time.

I feel guilty admitting that I spend a lot of time thinking about my ex boyfriend and not my husband. A few weeks ago I emailed him and we have been chatting. It has been 14 years that we havent talked.  In some ways I feel so happy talking to him. But I also feel so guilty I could barf.

There are so many red flags, he is emotionally unavailable,  he is not living independently,  not supporting himself. He is completely cut off from the real world and most feelings and relationships by choice. There is no way I should be interested in him but he makes me feel so happy when we do talk. He knows me from my youth and remembers things about me that make me feel like myself. When he is not answering and I feel he is ignoring me I cry and sob like he just broke up with me again. I am so ashamed of these feelings.  Am I chasing him because he is unavailable,  like my father was? Am I chasing a love story because of cptsd, depression,  anxiety?

My husband of 7 years takes good care of me and he is a good father to our daughter and a helpful partner.  I get frustrated with him sometimes because he is forgetful but he is very honest and hardworking.  I am trying to actively engage with him and appreciate him.


I havent taken any physical steps but I do feel I am being emotionally too open and invested in this adult boy who is not willing or able to reciprocate my feelings.  I thought I was done with heartbreak.

I never imagined myself as this person.  I feel like the pain will never heal and I will cry every day. I feel I have been hurting missing him all this time, although I know I have been living my life and I have felt happy. I am so lonely he makes me feel like I have a friend. My husband is my friend but so much of our marriage is work like chores and taking care of our child and pets and household. I think I miss the days being 21 and living more wild and free.

[Kizzie]

Forgive me Marina if I am way off base but when I read your post I felt like you must be  anxious on some level about becoming a mom again because it is a lot of responsibility and we cannot really be wild and free anymore, we have to find different ways of having fun. Perhaps that's why this ex is so appealing at the moment, he is living like a 21 yr old with no responsibilities and he helps you to feel like younger you? 

I know you feel ashamed but perhaps a bit of self-compassion and understanding about why you feel the way you do would be more helpful. And maybe you and your H could figure out ways to have some fun that doesn't involve children and pets and household chores (I know it's hard, our lives do tend to become consumed by adulting!).