Past relationships

[MarinaMoonchild]

 I find myself thinking a lot about past relationships.  I feel guilty because I am happily married (35f). I know that in real life my husband is a good partner and I love him. I feel happy and safe with our life.  But I feel unhealed from relationships that are many many years old. Is this normal? Should I feel ashamed like I am cheating on my husband? I think I should resist the urge to shame myself and accept this as normal thoughts. I don't really feel safe talking about them to anyone in my life.

I don't know how much is appropriate to share.

Both guys I met online when I was 15. One was my first serious boyfriend, as a teen and he committed suicide when he was 19 and I was 20. It was devastating and changed my life views. He died 16 years ago and was very troubled with mental health and drug abuse problems and self harm.  I struggle with those things too but not to the same extent.

The other i met through mutual friends and we talked online a lot. After our friend passed we became closer and eventually started a physical romantic relationship. Then we moved in together and he worked nights while I was in school for a couple years. The beginning was euphoric but it ended up being a terrible relationship full of lies with little communication. He has since ghosted me.

I have so many thoughts about these relationships and I dont know where to put them. I am embarrassed to share because young love is so cringy. I really accepted the worst kind of treatment from them. But at the same time the love I felt was so powerful and all consuming.  I can still tap into the feeling now. I know the reality of the situation is that they would be terrible partners.  I could keep writing this but I think I should end it now! Thank you for reading.