Colorado Springs has brought the worst out in my parents

[leonis]

Sorry if this isn't the right board for this! I know that this may not be entirely on topic. I've tried to type out my feelings about more serious stuff for a while now, but I've just found myself deleting everything I've written before I even finish. I really admire how many people here so eloquently put their thoughts and experiences into words! That's an ability I'll have to work on for some time, apparently. It's just that recent events have so many feelings boiling over and I don't know how to get any of them out. I've vented to friends a few times before about stuff like this, but I don't want to overwhelm them with constant complaining.

I'm going to be 21 in a few days and I still live with my parents. It's not so much that I'm ashamed about never moving out that upsets me, it's more so the fact that I still haven't escaped my family, but that's all emotions for another time. What's relevant is the fact that I still live with my parents.

These past few days have been completely and totally insufferable. After the recent shooting in Colorado Springs, there's been a trend of right-wing commentators openly embracing the violence— all of whom my parents regularly watch. Hearing their views on this has been bringing up some pretty repressed feelings. I think they know I'm some version of LGBTQ, but it's something that goes unspoken between us. What I've really been trying to hide is the fact that I am transgender. At least, I think I am. I've been flip-flopping for years now. It's hard to figure out what feels right when your parents never let you build healthy intuition. I tried to be openly trans when I was younger, but both of my parents were less than supportive.

I had so much faith in my parents growing up. I had no reason to have this faith, given all they had neglected or done themselves, but every child wants supportive parents, right? I thought that if I just showed them how much their support meant to me, they would eventually come around, but it seems they care more about blind loyalty to their faith or the need to hate a dehumanized "other" than they do for me. So I told them that I was just confused and brainwashed, and begged them to drop the issue.

I watched my parents get pushed further and further to the right over the past few years, and their views on LGBTQ people have changed along with them. More and more, I've had to tolerate the complete unfounded anger they feel toward transgender people. Especially over the past year, it seems that every time they turn on the radio, every time they take over the TV, every time they open their mouths, it's some rant about how the transgenders are trying to sexually abuse kids. It's easy to tune out every now and then, but when you're just trying to get out of the house by taking a quick trip to the grocery store with mom, and she immediately turns on some station that's talking about how LGBTQ people are cockroaches that are trying to destroy society, it takes its toll. My younger sister tries to push back every once in a while, and I appreciate the effort, but I'd rather just not hear anything from them. She says that it's necessary to challenge their beliefs if we want any change. I don't disagree with her, it's just that I can't take being forced to listen to one more heated debate over a group of people I belong to.

They haven't directed any of this talk toward me, though I know they would if I were to come out to them. It's mostly been weird comments about my breasts or the way I dress. My mom would scrutinize every part of me that made me too feminine to be seen as masculine when I was out to her, but now that I tell her I am a woman, she criticizes me for looking too masculine. It's funny how that works. All of this is compounded by the fact that my mom has been digging up old childhood photos which she has scattered all across the house. Looking at childhood pictures makes me ill. I feel a crushing sense of dread when I see myself as a child. I don't know, I've just been lost in a dissociative haze for a while now. More often than not, it feels like my body moves without me on autopilot while I just watch my life unfold through the rearview mirror. Perhaps this talk is more suited for a recovery journal.

All of this isn't the main source of trauma that's brought me here, but it stirs up some complicated feelings, nonetheless. Death by a thousand cuts, you know?

Thank you for taking the time to look at this! 

[dollyvee]

Hi Leonis,

I just wanted to say that I read what you wrote and hear you. I'm sorry that the media is condoning violence to a group of people because they challenge what they believe in. I'm glad that your sister is there standing up for you and you have people in your corner. 

Sending you support,
dolly

[milkandhoney11]

Leonis,
I am so incredibly sorry that this is happening to you. It sounds like you are experiencing constant fear and dread when around your parents and it pains me to imagine with how much hostility they treat you.
I define as LGBTQ+ myself and know what it's like to have to question your gender/ sexuality whilst receiving no support from your parents. I don't think my parents are quite as conservative and transphobic as yours seem to be, but at the same time I have never dared to come out to them because I know that they don't have the best views on this subject, to say it mildly.
For me it is a little bit different because I don't live with them, anymore, but hiding such a big part of my identity for 27 years has definitely taken a big toll and I fully believe that this situation has added quite a lot of further drama to my CPTSD. It's certainly not the most important/ biggest part because years of physical and emotional abuse had already eroded my trust in my parents because I even started to explore my gender and sexuality, but I hear you when you speak about your repressed feelings and totally understand how hard this might be for you.

Being part of the LGBTQ+ community is really scary. I have experienced so much discrimination from different people, including colleagues and superiors at work, but also so-called friends, and even complete strangers. And, of course, hearing about events such as Colorado Springs is completely terrifying and traumatic, so I often wished I had someone who would support me in these situations and listen to my fears but having to face all these things on my own (and without the help of parents or FOO) makes everything so much worse.

I am afraid that I can't really help you with your family issues (having to live with parents who don't support you and feel such contempt for part of your identity is just awful) but if you ever want to talk to someone about this, I am always here for you.

[Master of my sea]

Hey Leonis,

I'm sorry to hear you're having to deal with all of this and are in a situation that doesn't make it safe for you to be yourself.
I am glad you have your sister who seems to be some measure of support for you.

Just know that we are here, we hear you and you have a network of support here on OOTS.

Sending you care and support right now

[Papa Coco]

Hi Leonis

Welcome to the forum. I believe you've found a very safe place here at the forum to air anything you feel compelled to air. This has been the safest group of people I've ever spoken with.

You say you aren't good at writing down your thoughts, but I find your post to be very well written. 

I'm so very sorry about how your parents are caught in the trap of social stupidity. Right wing, Left wing...I don't care which; To treat other humans as if they are less than you shows fear. People who aren't afraid, don't throw rocks at others. That being said, their irrational fears of the nicest people in the world should not be your problem. I'm so sorry you're immersed in the world they're trying to create.

I had posted a longer post yesterday but was being distracted by my 8 y/o grandson and a busy morning. I just removed that post because when I reread it right now, I could feel my own anxiety around the social hatred that's plaguing our world today. The post was long and didn't make much sense. I didn't take time to edit like I should have. If you read it, and were taken aback by it, I sincerely apologize. I try very hard to say meaningful things in kind ways. This forum is for kindness and compassion. Period.

I promise to make my future posts more meaningful and less agitated. Treating anyone in the LGBTQ community poorly is one of my triggers. Listening to left or right wing hysteria from anyone is another big trigger. I was bullied nearly to death by mainstream, religious right wingers. I've survived 3 full up suicide attempts and many other close calls over my lifetime, which shows how much grief political and religious media has done to me and to my friends. So, I REALLY do grasp a sense of the pain you go through, and I really feel a pull to be as supportive as I can be.

Again, I believe this is a safe and supportive place for you to share. So many great people on this site.

[Phoebes]

Hi Leonis,

I just wanted to say welcome, I support you and understand, and can relate to soooo much of what you wrote.

I can totally understand fawning to keep peace and survive in a hostile environment. Heaven forbid a parent love and cherish us for who we are. Your parents sound steeped in their own brainwashing and fear (like mine.) My dad also moved to a highly right wing location and has become more and more brainwashed.

There are just so many things that play into these situations. As an older person, I admire your insight and tenacity so much, and kind of envy your position in life- about to move out, be who you intuitively know yourself to be, and live life! It took my most of my adult life to realize- I don't think that will happen to you.