Master of my Seas Journal

[Papa Coco]

Master Of My Sea,

Wow. Welcome back, and Wow. I feel a lot of juicy energy coming from your post! Congratulations on feeling the freedom from your x. I love how you protect your son from him too.

I remember the day I finally walked away from my family. I laughed. I giggled. I felt like I could walk on air or water. I remember saying "My family finally became so ugly that even I couldn't love them anymore."

I feel that kind of energy wafting up from your post.

That moment when you realize what a narcissist, or sociopath, or just plain toxic JERK someone's been to you, and finally being ready --and able-- to cut them out of the story completely is a great day.  I put "and able" in there because most of us can't just walk away until we become emotionally ready.

And you seem to be ready!

What a great comment too, that this was the best Christmas you've had in years. Not having that big, whiny baby around, making you walk on eggshells around him must have made you feel lighter than air, just enjoying a fun day with your fun son!

I love it. I can't wait to hear more about your life now that you're free from that toxic burden of having to walk gently around a narcissistic gaslighter.

I hope I don't come off sounding insensitive, but the day we walk away from our abusers is the day our lives begin. I have no sadness or regrets about cutting my own family out of my life. It was the day my life of independent thoughts and actions  began. No more worrying about how my actions would ignite another feeding frenzy with my sisters and parents. Ahhh. Such a relief.

I routinely say that you can't start healing the victims of a train crash until after the train stops crashing. While we're in our bad relationships, we're in a rolling train crash. The best we can do us be in survival mode. When the relationship ends, that's like when the train cars finally stop crashing, and THAT's when the first responders can start applying bandages, and that's when the healing can begin. When that train crash finally walks out the door and you lock it behind him.

I'm committing to always ending my posts on a positive note, and this is my positive note: You are now free to heal and live your life as you see fit. There's a light at the end of your tunnel and you're walking toward it. From one x-prisoner of a toxic family to another, Congratulations on your newly improved freedom to be YOU.

[Master of my sea]

Man is it good to be back To see all of your posts, just reminds me that there are good people in this world, that not everyone is selfish or has an ulterior motive

Armee - Thank you. It's been a while since I have felt strong in any way and each day gets a little better. I'm proud of me too

M&H - You're kind words, as always, are greatly appreciated It has been awful to be honest. Leaving my H was a 1000% times easier! I was desperate to make sense of everything and had this overwhelming need to know the truth. I really lost my grip a couple of times. I would message him these essays desperately trying to get the answers and we would just argue. But I would do this whilst in the middle of a PA or really struggling with the EF I was in. Not wise. The moment he denied (not sure if that's the right term) my son like that, I didn't care anymore. I finally allowed myself to know what I know about him. No more fairy-tale that didn't exist, just the naked truth of the situation. I ignored, excused and justified so much when the reality was he was just being a crappy person a lot of the time. Weaponising my trauma and ultimately making me feel really rubbish about myself.
It's absolutely terrifying but I feel so free. We've both lost an entire family, not just him. I've lost his kids and his Dad, so my son has therefore lost his siblings and his Grandad as well. It's left a huge hole in our lives. But we will be ok, I'll make sure of it

Papa Coco - I need my body to match the energy of my words now. My brain is well in gear and I'm making plans and just all systems go, but my body is still stuck in the fugue at the moment. I am trying to be gentle with myself though and remind myself that it's been a tough few weeks.
I will not allow my son to be treated the way I have been treated throughout my life and by my ex. Those words were all I needed in the end. They broke the spell and snapped the cord that linked us. Protecting my child is my number one priority and if it ever comes to choosing, my boy wins every time.

I believe he is a narcissist, I have believed it for a long time. I suppose I just hoped he would recognise that he needed some help and get the support he needed. Especially as he was so insistent that I get myself back into therapy. The way I have felt coming out of this has also sort of confirmed it for me.  I have been in physical pain with this, it's been that intense. But now when I think of him, I don't think of just the good times and cling to them, I'm remembering all of it. It's sad to say but the bad times were so much more intense than the good times, that they just overshadow them.

I have been doing lots of research in  recent weeks on reactionary abuse and it has become painfully clear to me that this is his MO. He would push and push until I exploded, then stand back and very calmly now, point out how 'crazy' I was being. Or how abusive I was. His favourite move was once he wound you up to the point of explosion, he would then start recording you as 'proof' of how bad you were. I was not the only person he has done this to. He knows exactly what buttons to push in everyone he encounters and he will utilise that knowledge when he feels he needs to, then turn it around to make the other person look bad.

I have spent the last few years feeling like I am losing my mind. Constantly being told I am getting worse not better. Having the threat of certain people finding out where I was every time we had an argument. Knowing I'm being used and lied to but constantly being convinced that isn't the case. Always feeling unsure of how each day would go. Now, very quickly, everything has changed. There is certainty to my day and the only people I have to worry about are myself and my son.

I came to the realisation late last night that, it was never him I was missing. It was my idea of this person, the person that I originally met, but in reality that person never existed. He came to be so he could gain access to me then disappeared once he had me. And company, that's what else I was missing. Now, I would rather be entirely alone than have such toxic company.
I had such a chilled out Christmas with my little man, that it just cemented how awful the environment had really been.

I feel some excitement for my future as it is now solely in my hands. I control what happens next. I get to start the year with a clean slate. It really feels like the beginning of a new chapter and for once it isn't shrouded in darkness. It's going to be tough and as excited as I feel, I am terrified. But I don't honestly think that anyone else in my shoes would feel any different. I think that it's perfectly reasonable and for me, at least it means I'm not numb. Feeling that excitement and that fear means I haven't shut down. I'm taking every positive as they come and that sure is one in my book

I am so ready to really start healing! And doing it at my pace, not someone else's

[CrackedIce]

Hey Master of my Sea!  I'm recently new here myself, but just wanted to say I love the positive energy and enthusiasm for the future you have in each post!  I hate that you had to go through all that, but happy that you've found a path forward.  In both of your posts I've read, my reaction has been "I wish I would've had a mother like that growing up" - you're doing right by your kid, and that's amazing.

Have a great new years!

[Armee]

I am so relieved you are free of that. I'm sorry your son is losing a version of family you had with him, but you and your son are a strong healthy family and there's no room or need for abuse to be a part of your family. You are in charge now. Just in a short post you described many layers of abuse and I am relieved you are free of that. Just using a threat to share your location is massively abusive. I don't have polite words for how I feel about him right now. You are strong and you are enough for your son.

[Papa Coco]

Oh MOMS

Your story of how your x would push you to breaking point and then use it as proof that you're the crazy one...THAT is the absolute 100% definition of gaslighting. We throw that word around a lot now, and it's starting to lose meaning, but what he was doing to you is the quintessential, absolute definition of the word.

As with my narcissistic sister and my slightly moronic older brother, I cut all ties, went full No Contact 12 1/2 years ago, and to this day I still sometimes fantasize about them apologizing to me for a lifetime of pain and lies.  But I've read the books, and I've tested the theories, and I know sociopaths better than I ever wanted to, and I know no such apology will ever come. Still...every now and then...I still want one...for a few minutes anyway. Until I remember and I still, to this day, ALMOST every day of the year, I look up to the sky and say, "Thank you for getting those creeps out of my life!"

These monsters do what they do. They give us a few nice gifts at the beginning of the relationship, and then we ignore all the bad they do because we spend the rest of our lives (or until we finally snap and see what's happening, as you've done with your x.) feeling like we owe them because of those very few meaningful gifts they'd once given us. To me, it's like they once gave me a piece of candy and now I owe them steak dinners for life.

I'M SO GLAD you found your way out of that connection with him. I'm really excited for your future now. You and your little man are free to be who you are now. 

[milkandhoney11]

Losing people like that is always hard. The time we spent with them may actually never have been very happy at all and yet they still leave a hole when they leave because they have formed such a great part of our lives and taken up so much of our energy and our thoughts.
When I feel very isolated and alone I sometimes start missing the people from my past but with most of them it does indeed feel more like I am missing the idea of them rather than the actual person themselves. With hindsight it gets a lot easier to see that the version of them that I loved/liked/etc probably never even existed and that the bond we seemed to share was always frail because they never cared about me the way I did.
I guess it's because I spend so much of my time alone but when I find someone that I like it is always all in. If I like someone I would literally do anything for them even at my own expense (a classic fawn behaviour, I know) but it hurts to realise that they have never shared the feeling and never had even 1% of the love and respect that I held in my heart for them.
Yet, even if it is painful I still believe that this is a very important thing to realise as it opens us up for more healing and allows us too free ourselves from the chains of the part. It is likely still going to take a lot of strength to navigate the grief and loss, but it is a very big (and possibly the most important) step, so I hope that this will allow you to move on.

I think it is most wonderful and admirable how you are managing all of this. I wished my mum had been strong enough to make the same decision when she realised that my dad wasn't good for all of us and that staying with him would only lead to ever more abuse. But she was nowhere near as strong as you are (and I guess she didn't care about me and my sister in such a loving way as you care for your son) and it makes me sad to think how much pain could have been avoided had she just had a tiny bit more of your strength.
However, it does show that generational trauma can end and that a single person can put a halt to all the pain and hurt that has been passed down from generation to generation. And that's most encouraging to see

[Hope67]

Hi Master of my Seas,
I am relieved to hear you're out of such a challenging relationship, and I wish you success in navigating your seas in the days ahead.  I hope you'll find strength in the various situations that you come across.


Hope 

[Master of my sea]

WOW guys! Just WOW! I don't think I have ever felt as supported as I do right now. You are all so wonderful

CrackedIce - First, may I say welcome to the forum. I'm glad you found us Second, thank you for this: In both of your posts I've read, my reaction has been "I wish I would've had a mother like that growing up" - you're doing right by your kid, and that's amazing. To have someone say this means the world to me. I always stress about whether I'm doing right by him, especially at the moment, so again thank you. I needed that. Sending you a warm, motherly hug (if that's ok) 

Armee - I keep telling myself, I am free, over and over. Makes me smile every time. It finally feels that way. I feel lighter and more in control. I removed my sons bio Dad from his life because he was unsafe and not someone that should be a role model to ANYBODY and I have found myself once again in a similar situation. The behaviour that I am realising I have been subjected to for the last few years, is not something I want in my life and I certainly don't want it around my son. I will not raise him to be a man anyone has to recover from. Keeping his 'Dad' around would make that a lot harder. Also the fact that very quickly he wants to 'distance' himself, is a huge red flag for me. This man has wanted distance and to leave me so many times, yet he always came back, because I let him. My son has suffered enough of the indirect impact of that, I'm will not stand for the same behaviour being presented directly to my child. Not by anyone.
I don't have many polite words myself. Besides from, 'Thank you for finally letting me go and handing me the scissors I needed to cut the rope. You done me a favour.'

Papa Coco - I remember the first time I called him out on it. I told him that was what he was doing and I wasn't having it, he immediately turned around and said, 'I'm not doing that, your are!' From that day on, he told me whenever we fell out, which was all the time, that I was gaslighting him. Just proved to me that he didn't know what it meant and he was just trying to twist the perspective.
He was very good at love-bombing. Did it frequently, at first. Even that went away in the end. I was just expected to be there and like the dutiful little fawn that I am, there I was. The moment I told him he was either consistent or gone and he insisted on 'distance' and I then made the decision, was so empowering. I have been holding onto that feeling. I took my control back in the moment. The illusion blew away and he was no longer pulling my strings. Pure freedom, a feeling I haven't felt for at least 4 years. Before I met my H. I refuse to lose that again.
I saw something the other day that said, Don't help me if I'm going to hear about it on a bad day and it is so relevant to what's been going on. I always heard about everything he had done for me and how ungrateful I was, every time we argued. The simplest things suddenly meant that I had to do something for him or, that he then didn't need to do anything at home because he'd done this thing. Nothing was ever free or just done with kindness. Everything had a motive, with some sort of expectation.

I'm glad things are this way. We can finally live!

M&H - Hindsight is 20/20 and it's hard to accept the things we refused to see or even acknowledge, in the name of love. But like you say, it was a love that was very one sided the majority of the time.
I am very much the same and quickly fall into those fawning patterns (thank you Papa Coco for introducing me to the term). It's a skill that needs to be unlearned and we need to remember to be gentle with ourselves. These habits kept us alive up until this point. They once served a purpose. They took a lifetime to learn, so it's only natural it will take time to unlearn them.
I used to look at my Mum and wonder why she didn't leave sooner? Why she didn't save herself and her kids sooner? Until I found myself in similar situations. Even surrounded by people, I was completely alone, with no where to go. I felt like a tiny island in a vast, empty ocean. Sometimes leaving isn't an option, or you have been convinced that it isn't. This is what they do.
It's seeing and learning what my Mum experienced, what I've experienced, that has given me that strength to ensure my son does not live a life like me. Or my siblings. The cycle does not need to repeat. He has experienced FAR too much already at the hands of two people who called themselves Dad, only to show that, in the end, they were only 'Dad' by name. I have time to rectify that and undo any harm that may have been done to my boy by these experiences and I will do anything in my power to make sure he is ok. He didn't ask to be here and he shouldn't be punished by other people's poor choices.

Hope - Thank you for your kind words and well wishes. Each day gets a little better and I have finally have some hope. 

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Tomorrow is the day! Tomorrow all of his things will be removed from my home. I can finally, completely shut the door on that chapter and focus on moving forward. I feel like when I wake up on Wednesday morning, it will truly be the first day of the rest of my life. There will no need for any future contact or communication of any kind. He can go on with his life and me and my son can go on with ours, however we see fit.
I organised all of his stuff today and set it up so he can just come in and easily filter it out. No messing around in cupboards or anything. Just grab and go! Ha! It was a really cathartic experience. I was taking control of the situation and it felt great. When I shut the door tomorrow, it really is shut. I won't opening it for him again It's going to be such a relief to know that I am never going to have to deal with any of that again. Now I can focus on healing from it. Yes it's another thing to heal but I'd rather be healing than actively stuck in that environment.
I am already noticing a drastic improvement in my anxiety levels. I haven't had a PA for a little while, less EFs and FBs. Less frequent NM's too. The other thing I have noticed, is that when these things do flare up, I am dealing with them better because I'm not also dealing with the intricacies of my relationship. I can deal with what's happening from a calmer place, I feel more capable of dealing with them too. I'm still battling emotions and a lot of anger and frustration but I'm not being totally overwhelmed, all the time. I am re-entering my window of tolerance. Haven't been inside that window for some time now.

I have been able to do things that I want to do, without upsetting anyone or having to ask. I was able to sit on New Years eve and watch one on my favourite artists perform a set on a live stream. I would NEVER have been able to do that before. Especially as it isn't his type of music. I am watching what I want on telly, eating whatever I fancy instead of having to cater to him all the time. I'm listening to my music, all the time now and I'm just calmer.
I have removed all daily reminders, I have emptied my phone of pictures, put them on a sd card and put that away, in a box that is full of photographs and cards and all manner of things from all of them. Him and the kids. I don't want to get rid of them, because although they are 3 years of memories involving them, but they are also 3 years of memories of me and my child. I just can't look at them right now, so I am going to keep them safe until I can. They were all a huge part of our lives and  I'm not prepared to just eradicate that but, I also don't need to see those things everyday.

Tomorrow is the final page in this chapter of my life. I am so ready for the next one now. I am walking into a new year, still uncertain of what's going to happen, but for the first time in years, it doesn't look bleak. It looks full of opportunities and a chance at happiness.
I just hope I can maintain this positivity and determination.

[Papa Coco]

Master of my Sea

I feel like celebrating with you. I remember walking away from my narcissistic family, and how I felt like I was walking on air. The whole world smelled sweeter. Food tasted richer. I found myself giggling randomly at the freedom I was feeling.  You've described it perfectly, that now you get to listen to whatever music you want, watch any TV show you want, eat what and when you want...I can feel the freedom with you through the wires of the internet.

One key thing people don't talk about as often as they should is that you don't start to heal while you're still in the bad relationship. I always say, You don't start to heal from a train crash until the train stops crashing. All you can do while still in the bad relationship is continue to brace yourself and try to stop from getting more bruised up. When it's over, you can rise up and begin healing the bruises once and for all. And what I'm hearing in your posts is that you aren't just getting rid of the next bad relationship, you've opened your eyes to the world of narcissists, and you are ready to stop befriending them from now on. That's a clean break!

I remember when, before I learned what a narcissist is, and didn't understand why I kept getting betrayed by the people I connected with, I used to say "My story always has a villain in it! Why is it that as soon as I get rid of my villain, another one comes along and takes his/her place?" I felt like I was a character in a TV show and my character needed a villain character, so every time one left the show, the producers would just hire a new replacement character.  BUT THEN I learned how to spot Sociopaths and Narcissists, and Ta-DA!  The character is no longer being replaced in my life.  I've read many books and have studied the ways of the narcissist and, thank gosh, there aren't any in my life anymore. When they appear, I ignore them and they go away.

I laughed when I read how he tried turning it around and calling YOU the gaslighter. HA HA HA!!!  So typical. Sociopaths/Narcissists always confess their sins by accusing you of them. You can pretty much count on them to tattle on themselves by listening to what they accuse others of doing.  They're like a 3-year-old. It's pretty easy to catch a 3-year-old in the cookie jar, and if you listen to a narcissist accuse others of crimes, you can catch them in the cookie jar just as easily. They only think about themselves. So their own sins are always on their mind. And they just...can't...shut...up. So they confess, but they claim it was you who did the crime. He gaslighted you and then called you a gaslighter. HA HA HA!  Definitely a 3-year-old.

I suspect you are at that place now too. If you go where I am, you'll be able to smell narcissists from a block away, and you will no longer be able to attach to them anymore.

I call it "I finally got a belly-full of their tricks, and I can't stomach any more of them."

Congratulations on getting his stuff out of your apartment today or tomorrow. I hope the world smells like roses as soon as he and his stuff are gone and the door is shut behind him once and for all.

HAPPY 2023 to you and your little man!!!! Talk about a new beginning. A fresh start. A life now aware of the narcissism that used to trap you, but no longer does.

[Armee]

Like Papa Coco said. You can't heal while actively enduring ongoing abuse. It's a common tenet of trauma therapy too. You just can't heal trauma while still being traumatized. That was very true. My mom caused or triggered trauma in me several times a week. It wasn't until she died a little over a year ago that I could finally focus on healing, from her and from things not related to her at all. Like Papa Coco I feel that free energy emanating through the internet too from you. It is palpable.

I also agree that his behavior to you is very typical. A gaslighter will actively and intentionally accuse you of gaslighting them.  It is part of their shared bag of tricks. If it's helpful. My therapist pretty much MADE me read this book and it had tons of gems in it.

https://www.amazon.com/Gaslighting-Step-Step-Emotional-Relationships/dp/1648766498/ref=asc_df_1648766498/?tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=560440526833&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=14840954843207917125&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=1014093&hvtargid=pla-1322599506885&psc=1

Please let us know how the move out goes!

[Master of my sea]

Thank you Papa Coco and Armee.

You've both said something that my last T said to me a lot, just in different words. You cannot heal in the place you were harmed. It is so very true. I now know the answer as to why I wasn't getting any better. Why it felt like I was just getting worse. It wasn't me! I was in a space where it wasn't safe or even acceptable to heal as that meant focusing on me and not him.

Papa Coco what you have said about feeling like, as soon as one villain leaves, another takes their place. I feel this in my soul. I have spent my life questioning why me? Why and how do I always end up in these situations? Finding this forum has been a HUGE help in opening my eyes to what was happening. I wish I had been the one that had the strength to walk away but I was just in too deep to do that, not without the push.
I too have found myself giggling and just beaming at random moments. I am holding onto that feeling. It's nice to feel some genuine joy for once.
I am soaking up any and all information I can. I am determined to not be unprepared or caught off guard by people like that ever again. I am not signing up for misery.
I follow a licensed T who specialises in NPB and NA and she said that the other day, 'If you let them talk, they will tell on themselves.' As I sit now and think back, he did, so many times. I just wasn't listening closely enough. Well now I am and I can hear it loud and clear. 3 year olds are more honest than these people.

Armee thank you for that. I will definitely give that a read. I am regularly being amazed at how textbook his behaviour has been. I always thought I was quite knowledgeable about all of this but you really can't see it when you're in it.

Unfortunately, he is coming back at the weekend. Why I thought that on this occasion he would stick to what he said, I will never know.
He wasn't able to take all of his stuff due to having to get the van back, he also had a long drive back and needed to unload. But for me, he knew all of this. He knew he couldn't come until the afternoon as we both wanted to make sure my son wasn't home whilst all of this was going on. He also chose to park where the lift was broken down, so him and his Dad then had to hump everything down the stairs. I did inform him that the lift wasn't working, so that was his decision. It almost feels as if he made it harder for himself on purpose.
I have moved everything that was left, into my shed, which is also full of is belongings. This way when he comes back, he has no need to step inside my home.

He's also dragging his heels with changing his accounts so they are no longer linked to my email address and swapping his contract.
Now according to him, we have been separated for MONTHS! So why is all of this stuff still in my name? Why are you telling me you have done things that you clearly haven't done? He was the one that said he didn't want me anymore. He was the one who left for someone else. He's the one that didn't want the relationship. Yet, it feels like he is the one that is still clinging on. I just want him to go away now. Something he has been telling me to do for weeks. Now I'm gone, he's still maintaining these links.

Well, I'm not having it. He said this evening, that it will all be sorted between now and Friday. I have made it clear to him, if it is not sorted by the weekend, then I will be cancelling the contract, whether or not he has sorted what he needs to. I have also told him that I will contact the necessary companies and inform them that the account attached to my email does not belong to me. He wasn't best pleased by that but I'm not all that bothered. He had those things because we were in a relationship and I was helping my partner. That is now no longer the case and if we haven't been in a relationship for months, as he says, then surely he should have sorted all of this by now?
I have ZERO obligation to help him any longer and I'm not prepared to do so. You don't want me, then you don't have access to ANY part of me.

So, he isn't quite gone yet. But he certainly he will be by the weekend. One way or another.

Him clearing the bulk of his stuff has meant that I've been able to sort my sons bedroom. He now has a space all his own. He couldn't play in there before because of all of the stuff that was in there. Including bunk beds. I could never leave him unattended, it just wasn't safe for him to play. He also always wanted to rifle through everything which, he obviously couldn't do. He has the biggest room as when we moved in, we needed to be able to sleep four in there. So, he has this HUGE space that he can play in now. My living room is also now, no longer a play room, this has given me somewhere that I can chill out in now as well. So we both win. There are definite perks

I'm just really hoping that my ex, gets the last of his stuff at the weekend, and just goes away. I am so ready for him to just go away. Will also be nice for my Mum too. She is the middle man at the moment. We communicate through her, this way, there can be no conflict. He can't poke and prod and push all those buttons.
I do wonder if he will find a reason to not take everything at the weekend too. I truly hope not. I will not be happy. The deadline I gave him was this weekend so, hopefully he will stick to that. I'll just have to see.

[Master of my sea]

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It's done! Everything is gone!

I have felt a wonderous sense of freedom all day. To know that there is now, no reason why I have to see him again. He has no need to ever come back to my home. It was over and done with in an hour. So it didn't even impact my day really. It just feels amazing to know, I do not EVER have to deal with that again
He did take all of his remaining belongings but as I suspected, it isn't all, quite, finished with. He was unable to sort out the phone situation today, apparently there was an error caused by his new provider and they need to restart the process. Whether that is true or not I don't know but I have been told it will be sorted by Tuesday. We will have to see. I haven't gone ahead and just cancelled it like I said I would as ,I cannot actually prove whether or not he is telling me the truth about the situation. If there is another excuse on Tuesday, then all bets are off and there will be no more extensions.

I spent some time in my room today, making it more mine. Years ago, I used to have a memory wall. It was full of cards and pictures and trinkets from throughout my life. I loved it and it always made me happy to sit and look at it, to remember good times. When I moved, I took everything down and stored it away, always intending to put them back up again. That was almost 11 years ago. This week, I pulled out the folder everything was in and I sorted through it. I picked out the things that I wanted, the things that resonated with me and set them aside. I also went through my sons artwork and picked out some of my favourite bits from there. Today, I began my new wall I felt so peaceful and calm as I was sticking these things on my wall. It was nice to be flooded with good memories, positive memories for once. I needed that after the events of the last few weeks.
It's nice to have the reminders that not everything was terrible. There have been good times too. I'm hoping it will help remind me that there will be good times again.
I have put all of this on a wall that I face when I go to sleep. Sleep is such a problem for me and I'm wondering if, looking at something that evokes such positive emotions in me, will help me relax into sleep a bit easier. Maybe even help the frequency of my NMs. Even if it doesn't do that, when I wake up and my anxiety is through the roof and I'm not sure of where I am, I have something I can turn to. Something to help calm and ground me. You never know. I think it's worth a shot and judging by how I felt putting everything up, I really think it will have a calming effect on me. No matter what, I like it and that matters too.

It's going to take a while to get out of the habit of feeling like everything I do must have some sort of purpose, otherwise I'm wasting time. I'm not used to doing anything just for me anymore, so it feels sort of alien. It was super satisfying though. I realised whilst I was putting everything up, that without even realising it, I had a full explanation planned out in my head. I was already prepared for the questions. Questions that I had to remind myself weren't coming. I took a minute to just sit and look at my stuff. My jaw was really tightly clenched and my chest was tight. My anxiety about it had crept up without me even noticing. I moved past it pretty quick and just focused on all the positive feelings I was having. I feel like this is going to be regular sort of occurrence for a while. I have been so used to having to have an explanation for everything, or a reason for doing something. I'm so used to being looked down on for these sorts of things, for being made to feel silly for things I like. I expect that I will be triggered by a lot of things for a while. But at least now, I can honestly tell myself that, that is not going to happen again. Not now, not ever. I'm not that person anymore. That experience with him, is over.

It's so freeing to know that I truly am the master of my sea now. It's terrifying too as I have to learn to trust myself again, to trust my own decisions and choices. But they are MY choices and decisions, no one else's and no one can question them or make me question myself. I am regaining my control.

For the first time in, forever, I have plans for the future. I can honestly say I have some hope. I dictate what path I choose, where I go and who gets to go along with me.

I'm FREE!!!
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I'm hoping that now so much stress has been removed from my life, my brain might feel slightly less cluttered and I can focus a bit more. As that begins to happen I will start catching up on everyone's journals. I apologise for not interacting but it just hasn't been something I have been capable of.
Just know you are all always in my thoughts and always have my support

[Snowdrop]

Hooray! I'm delighted for you.

[Armee]

 

That is so fantastic and the idea of your wall and you falling asleep looking at those lovely memories makes me feel SO HAPPY for you!

[woodsgnome]

What an outstanding example of your creative genius guiding your voyage into the new seas you've dreamed about finding.

Congratulations!