Master of my Seas Journal

[Master of my sea]

Hope - Hi  I love my bean bag! I am so pleased with it and it has helped me on more than one occasion this week. Being able to just sink down and relax into it has been really quite calming for me at times. I even fell asleep on it  My little one loves it too, he's had a great time playing on it. I do still feel some guilt but it's going, slowly. The more I use it and it helps me, the less guilty I feel. And seeing my little man enjoying himself helps no end 

Autumn makes me think of cosy book stores and all manner of comforts. It's a time of change, of transition and it's beautiful. Love it.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I have spent a lot of time on self-care this week. Even down to the little things like lighting a candle and watching my favourite program. But I have spent time on me, I have started styling my hair again. I have naturally curly, ginger hair. All my life I have tried to 'tame' and lose my curls. I've hated them but in the last 7 months I have spent a lot of time trying to reclaim my curls and finally love them in all their red glory. Yet in the last few weeks, I've not really shown them any love. So this week I have made a conscious effort to do my hair and it always makes me feel good to see big boofy curls  I have started really following a bedtime routine, trying to get my sleep back on track. This is a challenge in itself as I have been having nightmares on and off all week. Hopefully being consistent with my routine will help, even a little bit.

I really struggle with going out and rarely go out for anything unless I have to. Last week I got out twice with my son and we went collecting autumnal items for him to take to nursery. We went for a walk around our area one day and collected some bits and the next day I took him to a lovely wooded park and we wandered around for a couple of hours, just collecting and playing. We finished up at the play park and it was a lovely morning. Now I struggle to be out like that, just the two of us. I normally last an hour tops before my anxiety gets too much and I'm completely exhausted from hypervigilance. So to be out for two hours and have managed to keep that under control has been a huge win for me. Then the following day, I went out again. I headed into town and did some shopping. Three days on the run is huge for me! Especially alone. I am really proud of myself.
I'll be honest I then didn't leave the house all weekend because I couldn't cope with even the idea of going out but I'll take that. Three days out and two days in is much better than it would have been not too long ago.

I have also started a new type of journal. My personal journal is rapidly running out of writing space because not only have I been writing my daily entry I have been using it to jot write down and contain the powerful thoughts I have that I usually end up forgetting because I push them away. So I started writing what I have called my Thoughts Dump. All these thoughts that pop into my head about my life and things I have been through get put in the Thoughts Dump. They each have their own colour and number so when I am ready I can go, pick the corresponding colour, jot down the number and explore a particular thought and write as much or as little as I need to. Then I can, at a glance, locate the writing for any particular thought. This way I can write without having to worry about how much space I am using and it has given me a specific space for the more challenging and difficult topics.

                                                                      ----------------------------------------------------------------------

As I've mentioned, I love Autumn, it's my favourite season. It's warm and cosy and the world, for a short while just feels like it's bursting with beautiful colours. The world has rarely seemed a bright and colourful place for me so I relish it every year. In Autumn, everything is changing, transitioning into something new and it's stunning to witness.
At the moment I can feel myself transitioning and changing. In the last month or so I have been on an emotional rollercoaster and my C-PTSD symptoms have been pretty bad but in the last week or so I have felt a change in myself. A shift. My Mum said to me today that some of the old me was coming back. She is right, and I know this part, this 'old me', I know her very well. She is defiant and stubborn and fierce. She is strong and powerful, untouchable. This girl has been a huge part of my life and been key to my survival. I recognise her and she feels like home. I know she is a key part and she has helped me on so many occasions (more than I care to count) but she is not always that helpful. She can be really defensive and come across as angry all the time, she can be really cold and harsh too. She never lets anyone get too close. She has been and is my armour.
The thing that kind of captured me today and really got me thinking was my Mum saying what she did about the old me coming back a bit. This strong, defiant part of me has been that dominant in my life that she is recognised as Me by others. This is not me, this is not my core. I know this, I feel it in my bones. She is my defence against a harsh and cruel world.
A bit of me wants to try and communicate with her, to understand her and figure out why she is here now that all the turmoil of the recent weeks is calming down. But at the same time there is a bit me of me that doesn't want to go down the rabbit hole. Does that make any sense? 
I suppose I'm afraid of what might come up. I have had forgotten? lost? memories come up recently and that has been difficult for me to process, so I guess it would make sense that I have some fear there. This part of me has protected me from so much I don't know what she might reveal. What is she protecting me from right now? Again 

It all just feels so confusing sometimes. Trying to make sense of it all. I'm glad I can come here and splurge all the crazy jumbled thoughts in my head and know that somewhere along the line it is actually going to make sense to someone.

[Master of my sea]

I have debated about making this post but have decided I am just going to go for it. I hope it makes sense and isn't just a bunch of rambling  I have been making good use of my Thoughts Dump journal and I think I want to share an entry here. My anxiety is screaming at me that this is a bad idea and no one is going to want to read it but I think it may be helpful for me to do it, so here I am. This last week has been an intense and tough one and I have tried to communicate with some of my Inner parts. It's been...interesting.


----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

In the last week or so I have gone from a human wreck, to the strong, stubborn and defiant person I used to be (well at least to a degree) back to a human wreck.
It all kind of started with me feeling very much as I have been recently, low, lonely and missing my ex and his kids. Our family that we created. This has been the norm and in all honesty, expected, but then something started to shift. I started feeling an old strength, an old resilience, an old defiance. I mentioned this in my previous post, it was a bit of the 'old me' and also as I mentioned previously, even my Mum had noticed. Now, this part of me, she is very familiar, I feel very comfortable with her. She feels like home (if that makes any sense). This part of me has gotten me through some of the most difficult and traumatic times in my life. She is the reason I never truly crumbled growing up. I broke at times but never as completely as I have done in recent years. She just wouldn't allow it. I had to keep going and she made it happen.

I'll be honest, I was surprised by her appearance. I hadn't felt her for such a long time and it was bizarre to have that suddenly come back. What also surprises me is the fact that, although I have been low, things have actually been settling and calming down after mine and my exes split. This fact is what makes it strange to me that this part has appeared, she only normally comes forward during times of great stress not when that stress is settling. I couldn't figure it out. I was like this for a few days, feeling stubborn and determined to be ok and be fine on my own. Then things shifted again and boy what a doozy.
I ended up having a pretty bad day and things fell apart fast. I ended up having a panic attack and then triggered into an episode. On this day I woke up feeling particularly lonely but when I actually thought about it, it was more than loneliness. I felt completely abandoned. Just left adrift. I had an appointment to go to, so managed to get myself and son sorted and got us there, this is where I had an issue that triggered a panic attack. I reached out and called my Mum but these feelings of abandonment and loneliness, and rejection too just kept intensifying. In the end my Mum told me something that my oldest brothers' partner had said, she was trying to make me feel better but instead it exacerbated the situation. Without realising, by trying to show me others were thinking of me, she had just reaffirmed some of what I had been saying about me always being the bad guy and easy to blame. That people twist the narrative to suit them. My poor Mum, she felt so bad as it had had the opposite effect of her intention. I had to end our phone call and try and come back to ground. It was the final straw for me that day. I felt like a little girl again, just wanting to be accepted, wanting to be seen. At this point I was also in communication with my ex and talking to him (our relationship ended due to the state of both of our mental health) he ended up coming over. We ended up just chatting and having a bit of a laugh. He did end up crashing in my living room for a couple of nights and his presence was a huge help. But, those feelings still remained and I noticed that the dominant and defiant part of me was still there too. I just hadn't realised as those feelings of abandonment and loneliness were just so strong. What I have come to realise is that these two parts are now fighting for dominance. One minute I will be crying and feeling small and alone and the next, my whole body will shake, the tears will stop and I'll stand/sit up taller and a sense of defiance washes over me, 'I will not cry, I need to be strong. I don't need anyone'. It's very bizarre. It's always been a skill but it has been noticeable by its absence in recent years.
Then on the flip side, I will be going about my day and all of a sudden all of those feelings of abandonment and loneliness will just wash over me and I'll crumble. I can't continue with what I am doing and I just dissolve or disappear into a torrent of negativity. So much longing too. Now, I have been so afraid to confront either of these two, scared of what they might say or reveal. But they are screaming to be acknowledged, to be seen and that has left me with no choice but to start to try and speak to them. I decided I would go where it felt easier and more comfortable and safe. I acknowledged the defiant part of me. I'll call her Miss Defiant or Miss D. I told her I that I see her. That I am here to listen, to find out what she wants and needs. What was she trying to achieve? I didn't get a response but I felt her stiffen. I could feel her defiance in waves. That approach didn't work. She didn't like that. Too forward maybe?

So I asked her how old she is. She responded to this. What I got was a wave of images, feelings and emotions. I saw my secondary school, I saw my 'friends' and teachers. Ones I didn't like or get along with. I saw my sisters flat and I saw my problematic brother and sister. And my Mum, so tired and worn down. With the images came the feelings and emotions. A lot of frustration, sadness, anxiety and stress. Then there was anger, so much anger. But underneath all of that...something else, something more. It took a little coaxing and some reassuring that it was safe to tell me or show me but eventually she did. What she showed me was all the fear and the rejection and the feeling of always being different. Miss D shut down then and withdrew and if I'm honest I'm glad she did. It was overwhelming and I couldn't take anymore. What I realised though was that she had answered me and it was loud and clear. She showed me 15/16 year old me. That makes sense. That was a really tough time and I really fed into this strong, fearsome person for years. So she was at the wheel if you like. It's strange because I often say I feel like a teenager still and it's true I do. I feel like that girl. When I look in the mirror that is who I see. Not the almost 30 year old woman but the girl half her age. I see 15/16 year old me. Raging hormones, horrible home life, bad friends, crappy school and ineffective teachers. Also sadly, by this point I had been SA on multiple occasions and by different people (I had once confided in my 'best friend' when we were even younger, and she tried to turn it into gossip. I didn't tell after that) I see her. That young girl who is determined that she doesn't actually need anyone and will keep going no matter what, but I also see the sad, lost, angry girl who feels forgotten and unwanted.

Miss D kept me alive, she made people think twice about messing with me. I needed that. I didn't want people to be afraid of me but that did happen on occasion but it was never the aim. I just wanted to be left alone. I needed to be untouchable. I have never been a fighter but mastered my own sod off vibe (this kept many away. I seemed unapproachable), a fierce glare and resting face and a sharp tongue. I'm also fairly clever and can have a way with words in certain situations and circumstances. I got many of friends out plenty of situations, especially with adults. Notoriously with teachers. I wasn't like most of my peers in lots of ways and it could sometimes be used to mine and my friends benefit.
I value Miss D greatly, I understand why she was there and has been for so many years. There have been too many situations that would have turned out drastically different had it not been for her.
I haven't communicated with Miss D since this interaction.

I also haven't communicated with the other part that showed up. The part that is filled with such intense and sad feelings. So intense that they floored me completely. Whilst she was up front and present and in full force, Miss D was completely overpowered and pushed aside. These feelings and emotions were that intense.
I felt completely alone, unloved, unwanted and different. Always an outsider, never belonging, I cried so much and just wished the ground would open up and swallow me whole. As I have said, I have been dealing with these feelings anyway due to my recent break-up but this was different. It was all consuming. I was in a black pool of despair and couldn't find a way out.

I can't bring myself to communicate with this part yet. Those feelings have settled somewhat and I'm not capable of dealing with them right now if they all coming flooding out again. But what I can do is feel her. She feels so small, so vulnerable and oh so young. I can sense a lot of confusion from her too. I don't have a mental picture of her. I can't see her, with Miss D I can picture my 15/16 year old sense. There is an association. Here, there's nothing, just the feelings. I am struck by how young this part feels. I am intrigued but just not yet ready to go down that road.

So I said I have bounced back and forth and that these two are at war within me. For a while, the small, young one, was winning. All I could feel were these crushing emotions and all I could think was how unworthy I was, how easy I was to walk away from, to betray. All manner of nasty things. It took some company and a bit of time and those things started to subside and I could begin to feel Miss D trying to push back through. It's been exhausting flying back and forth between emotions and feeling this tug of war happening inside me, Neither part has been able to fully come forward again as of yet and I find myself going through a range of physical symptoms/reactions?
My body hurts from how tense I am, by the time I go to bed my jaw is painful because I keep clenching it without realising. I have random aches and pains that I can't figure out, my sleep is wrecked and I'm just all over the show at the moment. Things are slowly starting to settle so that is a good thing but I feel it might take some time.

I am going to try and communicate some more with Miss D but not just yet. I am going to take some time to really focus on bringing myself back to ground properly before I do that. I don't want or need to be overwhelmed again anytime soon.

                                                                                ------------------------------------------------------------

Although I have all of this written down in my Thoughts Dump, it has taken me a long time to type this. I have been battling my anxiety and my IC the whole time. I really want to delete it and not post but I'm not going to do that. I will be annoyed with myself if I do.

I haven't gone back and edited really, that would be a bad idea, lol. So I hope it's cohesive and makes some sort of sense. I feel very wary and silly at the moment. I'm hoping that will pass when nothing terrible happens after I post this.

Here goes......

[Papa Coco]

Hi Master of my Sea,

For starters, I'm very glad you didn't delete this post before I could read it. I know that feeling of having posted something and then regretting it. Last week I'd told you that I had skills. I listed some of those skills. Then I logged off and started to panic. How DARE I mention my own skills!  How humiliating!  I wanted to delete the post but decided to use it as an IFS practice session. The way I understand IFS is that I have three types of parts living within me: My exiles are the "victims" who feel attacked, disappointed, lied to, betrayed, afraid, unworthy. When I logged off and suddenly started to panic, that was my Exile who was laughed at and bullied by family and peers any time I tried to feel good about myself.  What happened next was one of my Protectors suddenly sprung into action. He wanted me to log back on and delete that post before you read it. But the three types of parts in me are Exiles who trigger Protectors, and they all do it to honor my Core Self. My core self is that person who is very zen, and eternal. When I relax, I feel like I'm the exact same person I was at 4 years of age. And 10. And 14. And 20. And 40.  My core self is the captain of this ship, and my Exiles and Protectors are my crew.

As I read your post, I saw the frightened little girl as one of your exiles, who was being rescued by one of your agressive protectors---(who, as you described her, she reminds me of a bouncer in a bar. Bouncers are working class people whose job is to remove unruly or dangerous patrons so that the good patrons can continue to enjoy their time in the bar. You have a lot to thank Miss D for. She's been a good bouncer for a long time). Your core self wanted to talk with both of them, and your protector, Miss D, was open to it. I hope that in the future, your frightened little girl will eventually feel safe enough to talk with you too. No hurry. That poor girl has been through a lot, and if she needs a little time before she's ready to talk, I think that's just fine.

One thing I'm struck by as I read up on IFS is the fact that ALL our parts, even our angry protectors, want us to talk to them.  One provider used the analogy of a ship captain with her crew. The crew wants to do right by the captain and wants to talk openly with the captain. The captain, (our core selves) can kindly thank the Exile and the Protector for their service, and, eventually, the parts will open up.

Anyway, enough about IFS

I just want to say that I am very glad you felt safe enough to post this letter and not delete it. Speaking from experience I know that the sense of anxiety around worrying about what I wrote is no small event. So I respect your strength and courage to post it AND to leave it up for us to read.

I feel like we're all on this journey together and the more open we all are with each other, the more milage all of us can get in our healing journey.

I find solace in the knowledge that no one on earth is having a particularly good time right now. Every human has things that are driving us nuts. So when I think about how being in pain seems to be an inevitable part of the human experience, I don't feel so "alone" with my own pain.  It's like...we didn't get the option to live a pain-free life, but we do have some say around what pain we choose to have to deal with. For me, it's depression from lifelong trauma and being raised to believe I'm garbage.

An old man who I worked with when I was young once said, "If every person in this shop put their troubles in a hat, and then got to pick new ones out of the hat, every person in this shop would pick their own troubles back again." I thought that was profound and have lived, ever since then, feeling like as much as I hate my depression and my memories and my traumas, I can't think of anyone who I would want to trade my problems for there's.

I hope this wasn't too weird of a response.

But if you take only one thing away from my rant, go with how proud I am of you for not deleting this post. Non-Traumatized people don't get how difficult that is, but us within the CPTSD community know how painful it is to worry that we've said too much.  What Jerry Seinfeld used to say on his 90s TV show, "That's a pretty big matza ball you left hanging out there."

Remember; courage is not the absence of fear. It's the act of being terrified, but doing it anyway.

[Armee]

I'm glad you wrote it too and its safe here. I would write more but am not in a good place the past few weeks or today. But im glad you are here and writing and hope to be able to interact more soon.

[Master of my sea]

Armee - I really appreciate you taking the time and writing what you have when you yourself are not in great place. I hope you start to feel better soon.

Papa Coco - It has taken a lot to not come back here and delete my post. I turned my laptop off as soon as I had posted so I couldn't come back on. I have been stressing about it all day, so I decided I had to rip the plaster off pretty quick, so to speak. I think if Armee and yourself hadn't replied there is still a chance I may have deleted it, I don't know. Maybe not. I suppose there was some relief in sharing, and sharing with those that I know, even with all the anxiety, understand what I am saying.

I laughed out loud when I saw your comment about Miss D sounding like a bouncer. For YEARS, friends and work colleagues, especially work colleagues, described me like that. I never minded that comparison to be fair. It always seemed so accurate. One place I worked, my favourite job ever, I was known as the bulldog. Again, meant in an endearing way and I did take it like that. One of the few occasions where a nickname wasn't meant to offend. At my last job before I left to have my son, I was known as the bouncer. It was actually my manager who really made it stick. Which was convenient for him as he always hid away in the back and left me and the assistant manager to deal with everything, especially problems. He was a bully too. Not a nice person in the end. When he said it, I didn't like it but when it came from my co-workers, it was said either jokingly or again just meant in a nice way. I was the one who looked out for everyone and dealt with the problematic customers, in both jobs. So to have that said here, really made me smile. Brings up some good memories 

I have tried to look at this using IFS and it has made it somewhat easier to understand. I still don't know very much but from everything I have read so far that was the same conclusion I have come to also, that the small, scared girl is one of my Exiles and Miss D is clearly a Protector. I think you're right and Miss D is open to it, I just need to be careful on how I approach and really think about what I ask her. She is very guarded.
I am not going to rush any communication with the small one. Again, I make you right, she has been through so much and I need to take my time and foster a safe and trusting space for her to feel comfortable to talk to me. I'm not ready yet either. I know I'm not and that's ok too.

I love the analogy of ship captain and crew. I find it very fitting with my name and it links so nicely with what my last T always said about being the master of my sea.

Seeing others post and the warm, encouraging responses they get helped me find the courage to post in the first place. Coming back and finding those very same responses on my own post will hopefully encourage me to keep posting. I wrote in my personal journal today about how thankful and grateful I am for this forum and everyone here. Just the simple fact that I know that most if not all have suffered the same anxiety about posting and over sharing. We have all been in positions where sharing wasn't an option, or we were made to feel as if what we say has no importance. It's true empathy.

I do need to remember that about courage, and remind myself that, by that definition, I have shown so much courage throughout my life.

Thank you for your kind words and your insights. They are always appreciated and always leave me thinking and often looking at things a little differently.

I am proud of me too. It's not often I say that. 

[Papa Coco]

Hi Master of my Sea,

That is so funny that your protector, Miss D, makes everyone, including myself, think of a bouncer. Bouncers are protectors. They are employed to keep the whole establishment at peace. I can see why you were honored when your friends endearingly called you a bouncer. It's an honor, actually. People count on you, and you deliver.

As I was reading your response, it hit me that I don't yet know how to talk with my Exiles.  Your confession that you were able to talk with Miss D, but not the Exile is consistent with all my experiences so far. The protectors are the bouncers. Proud to be of service and quick to talk with us when we ask them to. Our little Exiles are terrified, often small children. As I'm writing this, I'm seeing that talking with these frightened Exiles is going to be very different than talking with my protectors. I was an abused child so I know that abused children don't communicate their abuse very well. Then I raised two children of my own and was a source of grounding for many of their friends who would confide in my wife and I with things they couldn't talk to their parents about. So, in the real world, I know that frightened children don't just step up and talk candidly about their pain.

Our Exiles are frightened children. Children are new to life. They don't even always know why they feel so scared themselves. When a child is in pain, we talk TO them. We comfort them. We give them some wisdom to help them learn ways out of the pain. Very different than talking with a mature, powerful bouncer.

Because of this post thread, I am suddenly aware that I can talk candidly with my Protectors, but I need to love and protect my Exiles much more cautiously.

I've posted this before, but there is a line in one of my all-time favorite movies, Super 8, where at the end of the traumatic dramatic fight with an alien and the US Military, the leading character, 14 year old Joe Lamb, who has just saved the town and helped the alien escape the military, is held close by his tough, sheriff dad. The dad is holding Joe tightly around the head, kissing the top of his head and repeating over and over and over, "I've got you. I've got you. I've got you."  Honestly Master of my Sea, I think that might be the best way you and I have to talk with our exiles. Once we've had a nice chat with our Protectors and they tell us why they are protecting the Exile, then we should just go to the Exile, hug him/her real tight and just keep saying it, "I've got you. I've got you. I've got you."

[Master of my sea]

Hi Papa Coco,

I got pretty good at diffusing situations and have had people tell me that they didn't say or do something because I was there. I wouldn't have allowed it and they were glad that I was there because things went completely differently than maybe it would have done had I not been. So many things Miss D does just fits the bill of bouncer so well and I have always prided myself on being a reliable person. Probably due to the fact that there haven't been many people in my life that have been truly reliable I have wanted to be that person for other people.

I think that caution is going to be key with our Exiles. They are the most vulnerable parts of us, and we need to respect that in a way that it hasn't been before. I am looking at it very much in the way that we build trust with our Ts, it is a slow and gentle process that takes time and compassion. Our T's have to really earn our trust and when they do, we eventually start opening up. This slow and gentle approach is what I feel is needed to open up that communication, we have to slowly show them we are trustworthy and safe. Only then will our Exiles begin to talk to us.
Our Protectors on the other hand, will accept a more direct approach because they themselves are more direct. They have a distinct purpose, to protect the Exiles and they make that known, in whatever way they choose to manifest themselves within us.

I love Super 8! I can picture that scene so clearly. I completely agree that this may be the best way we have to communicate with our Exiles. Our Exiles haven't heard that before and I think we can all probably attest to a moment when someone said that to us, and actually meant it and how it made us feel. To just know that someone 'had us'. Those small, fragile parts of us need that more than anyone. Slowly, cautiously and oh so gently is the way forward. Compassion will be key.

I'm very new to IFS but that is kind of what I'm getting from it. It's compassion over judgment and a genuine curiosity to understand and help these parts of us.

[Papa Coco]

Master of my Sea,

Wow. So well said. I took away from your comment the idea of being very gentle with the Exiles. You are right on: It took me years to begin to trust my current therapist. It can take years to gain the trust of my Exiles, and patience will work better than forcing them to talk to me.

And I agree wholeheartedly with your final comment: I'm very new to IFS but that is kind of what I'm getting from it. It's compassion over judgment and a genuine curiosity to understand and help these parts of us. 

Very well said.

[Master of my sea]

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I have to be honest, I'm feeling a bit sorry for myself today. I suffer with an eye condition that has flared up this weekend. I had an appointment earlier in the week and they placed a plug in my upper puncta, now I have one in both the lower and upper punctas of one eye. As much as this will ultimately help it has triggered my condition to flare up. I have been in pain all day, unable to see out of one eye and extremely light sensitive. I have had to create a make-shift eye patch as I can't find mine, block out as much light as possible and I have slept a lot. All my plans for the day, out the window. It always makes me feel low, as I feel so useless. During a flare up I am really limited to what I can do. Most things cause pain because the moment I move my eye it aggravates it.
Fortunately, my son is away this weekend, so I am able to do what I need to, without being Mum. It's a challenge to have a flare up and look after a small person. We manage but it's tough. At least this weekend, he can go out and have fun, whereas if he were home, we would be stuck in doors.
One of the worst aspects of this is the amount of pain it causes and there is very little I can do about it. Like a toothache or an earache. At least, even in those cases you can sometimes apply pressure and get some relief, with my eye, there is nothing. Only sleep really but that comes with its own problems. Closing my eyes feels amazing, the problem comes when I try to open them. That just makes everything worse. It's a bizarre thing when you have to stop and think about how to blink, or how to open your eyes without causing your cornea to tear, or to exacerbate an existing tear. Things we do all day, every day, without thinking twice. I have to actively think about the best way to do it, or things like having to turn all the way around, just to be able to look behind me so I can cross the road. It's infuriating. And for someone like me who can be so fiercely independent, I have to rely a lot on other people to help me. I don't like that.

I feel like I'm having a good old moan, probably because I am. A flare up affects my mental health so much and usually I keep a lot of that to myself. I try and be strong but often I end up crumbling and getting really upset. Being in pain and not being able to do anything about it is just horrible, Not knowing how long it will last as well. It could be 2 days, or it could be a week. I just end up feeling so defeated and with that my depression starts to really get its claws in. I share some of this but not much, usually because I feel that so much is being done for me already, it would be wrong for me to dump all of that on someone too. I'm usually the one taking care of everyone, so it feels so wrong when someone is taking care of me. I always think I should be doing more to help. I've always been a 'Mum' like person.
Actually, in relation to that, I saw something today on the IFS thread that made me laugh out loud  In a comment my name was abbreviated to MOMS. As soon as I saw it, I burst out laughing, I hadn't noticed before. I honestly hadn't realised that that was the abbreviation. But it did solidify for me that I chose the correct name for myself. Ever since I was probably 10/11 years old, my friends, their parents, my family and even teachers have described me as the 'Mum' in my friendship groups. Always the one everyone came to for help and support, or even just a hug. The person there, ready to fight their corner and take control of situation. The person who would always be there. So, to see my screen name abbreviated to MOMS just made me chuckle. That's also the second reference made recently that links directly to what people used to refer to me as, and how I was viewed. But these links are more positive ones. There are aspects that have been detrimental to me but overall, they bring back good memories.

As hard as it can be sometimes to be the one that everyone comes to and I need to learn to set boundaries, I enjoy helping people. I always have. There is enough negativity in this world, enough bad, if I can do something good to help someone and put some good back into this world, then I'm going to do that. We have all experienced some of the worst horrors this world has to offer, we understand how it feels to need help and it not be there. If I can stop someone feeling one iota of what I have felt, then I'm going to do it. What I have to learn is to not take others' problems and make them my own. Not to absorb it. I need to learn to set my boundaries and stick to them. Stop people from being able to take advantage in the first place. I need to remember that my needs are also important and sometimes the person that helps everyone else, needs help themselves. It's a learning curve, and I have a long way to go but hopefully I'll get there in the end.
                     
                                                                                -------------------------------------------------------

I'm going to jump back real quick to what I was originally saying about my eye. I have started to wonder if it is linked to my mental health. The problem started a few years ago, just after my son was born. I'm not going to go into it, but just over a year later that I was diagnosed with C-PTSD. My life took a drastic downward turn, I was betrayed and hurt by people who I should have been safe with, and as my mental health got worse, my flares up increased in frequency and severity. Next month, it will be a year since I had my eye condition diagnosed and started treatment. It was also when my mental health was at its worst. When I look back and really think about it, my worst flare ups have all occurred during times when my mental health was poor and times of high stress. I have had no injury to my eye, which is often the main trigger and have never had this problem before. It could be completely coincidental, but I can't help but wonder if there is maybe a correlation there.

[Papa Coco]

HI Master of my Sea

First off, yes. I noticed on day one that I didn't want to write to MOMS--or to Master. So I have always written out your entire name. I personally like the Acronym MOMS. I just didn't know if it would be appropriate to start using that.

Secondly, being refered to as a "mum" often by teachers, peers, and others, is something I would feel pride in. Being a caregiving person is something to be proud of as long as you aren't hurting yourself by doing it.

My therapist believes that all humans are connected. He believes that we were all created from the same stardust as our planet and solar system. He says that when I do something to heal myself, some of my healing reaches the whole world. If I'm a part of all things, then, like with the mobile hanging above our baby's cribs, if you touch just one of us, everyone starts to move. What I'm getting at is that the more of us who are good, the more good there is on earth. Period. I'm always comforted by your posts as you say such nice things to everyone when you respond. So, it's not just a Hallmark Greeting Card sentence, the world really IS a better place because you're in it. And this sentiment goes out to more than just yourself. Here on this forum, several truly caring people are also making the world a better place.

My therapist doesn't believe that CPTSD is the only reason I'm a fawn type who also compulsively helps others. He says I was born to be a caring person. The Traumas just exacerbated the gift of being a Fawn type and turned it into a barely manageable curse. Peel away all the trauma in yourself, myself, and in most of the people on this forum, and we were born empathetic and kind. CPTSD just made us sometimes give up on ourselves while helping others.

And to your eye. I'm SO sorry to hear of your situation. I have had chronic pains in my knees, back, head, neck, feet, low energy...when something happens to limit our physical ability to enjoy life, life just plain sucks. I'm glad to hear this should feel better within a week. I've got my fingers crossed that it plays out quickly for you.

It's hard to know for sure if your physical problems are tied to emotional setbacks, I know that you are right on to wonder if that's what's happening. Does that mean this ailment was caused by your traumas?  That's impossible for us to know, but I DO believe it is entirely possible. That book, Scared Sick would support your suspicion that your inner life and your physical life are very surely connected.

I'll leave you with a wish and a hope that you feel better very soon and have some glorious fun with your little guy.

[Master of my sea]

Papa Coco....Thank you. Your words mean an awful lot. I struggle to accept compliments and having nice things said about me, but it means a lot when it is sincere, so again, thank you.
I agree with you about the others here on the forum, yourself being one of them. I have found many comforting words and so much understanding in such a short time.
Personally, I feel my posts are a jumbled mess and jump about a lot, but everyone here all seem to just get it and understand. It is strange to be surrounded, albeit virtually, by such wonderfully supportive people and I am thankful every day that I found my way here.

I don't think I would like it if my name was shortened to just Master. It would feel so wrong for so many reasons. But MOMS, I like MOMS. It's a lot softer and feels a lot nicer . Master just feels dominating and ugly.

Secondly, being refered to as a "mum" often by teachers, peers, and others, is something I would feel pride in. Being a caregiving person is something to be proud of as long as you aren't hurting yourself by doing it.

That has always been the trouble, I was often more of a 'Mum' to my friends then their actual Mums were. The problem is I was very good at it and spent my teenage years trying to be the adult for other people my age. I got very good at getting them and their issues recognised and sorted. As a teenager there was only so much I could ever do, but because of doing this all of my problems and issues got buried. I never had time for my own and I didn't know how to solve my own problems, so I immersed myself in others. This is where I have always been most useful. In general, it's fine and I really don't mind being referred to as Mum, but there are negatives attached to it as well. So much pressure put on a young girl, and I was given no support. In fact, often my teachers would leave me to deal with these situations and friends alone because 'I knew what was going on', or 'I knew the situation/person better'.
But I cannot hide or run away from the fact that this is something I like to do. I like taking care of people, I hate seeing others hurting in any way and will always help if I can. I just always end up losing myself along the way.

My therapist believes that all humans are connected. He believes that we were all created from the same stardust as our planet and solar system. He says that when I do something to heal myself, some of my healing reaches the whole world. If I'm a part of all things, then, like with the mobile hanging above our baby's cribs, if you touch just one of us, everyone starts to move.

I really like this idea. I find it very soothing and calming. I suppose partly because that idea of being connected means a lot to me. Spending my life feeling disconnected from everything and everyone, just the idea that by working on me and putting some positive on me, I am pouring some of that back into the world, That I am connected. Makes it seem less lonely. And in that sense, by healing myself, that maybe a piece of the world is healing too. Putting some more good back into the mix. We need a lot more good in this world.

My eye is healing up pretty quickly, which I am so grateful for. I just find the timing for it starting and where I was in my life intriguing. Is it a physical manifestation of emotional pain? Or is it completely separate? I deal with all sorts of strange aches and pains and some of them come from my body remembering during a FB or I'll wake from nightmares and be sore and others are just life I suppose. But my eye bugs me, more than anything else. Probably because it can be so severe.
Probably one of those things I'll never know for sure, but it gets the old brain going

[Master of my sea]

I went home yesterday...
By that I mean I went back to where I grew up. I haven't been back there for probably about 2 years. It was a strange experience and there have been a whole array of emotions and memories that have come up. Some good, some bad. I ended up having NMs last night and it was intense. I did not sleep well at all and have woken up today with what could be, potentially, the start of a chest infection.
All sorts of things came up, they were like scenes from a movie almost. I was watching them happen from the outside. I would try and shout and call out, warn myself of what was about to come, but no sound would come out. All over again, I was powerless to help myself. I just had to watch. Then it would switch to something else, and the process would start all over again.

I don't feel like I can write what actually happened in these 'scenes'. Not even in my personal journal. Not yet. I think sometimes that writing it down, makes it more real. At the moment, these things are just images and feelings in my head and body. They are trapped in me and there is no physical proof of them. I feel like when I write these things down, they become real, more tangible and they have to be dealt with. It's there in front of me, in black and white. I can't run away from it.
I still minimise a lot of what has happened to me. I give excuses for people's actions, 'oh they were drunk', 'they didn't understand what they were doing', 'they didn't realise'. Or my personal favourite, 'I must have done something to deserve that.'
When it is written down in front of me, I can't do that. It's there, in all its glory and I have to acknowledge it. I can't do that right now. I tried to write about last night in my journal, but my pen just hovered above the page, and I had to fight off a panic attack.

I think another aspect to not being able to write it down is the fact that I struggle to find the words to explain it all. Even to myself. I think about all the things that have happened to me and most of the time I don't believe it myself. Now if I don't believe it, how am I supposed to find the words to describe it?
There is also a profound fear that someone will read it and accuse me of lying all over again. Or just point blank not believe that all of that, awful stuff, could happen to one person. I question myself enough, I don't need it from anybody else. Even that fear is irrational though, there is no one who is going to read it. Even so, I still can't bring myself to put these experiences onto paper. There has been the odd thing but that has flowed naturally and without me thinking about it. On these occasions I struggle and tend to have a bit of an episode, these can last anywhere from a few hours to a few weeks. Then I have to recover from them.
Maybe once I am back in therapy, I will feel stable and supported enough to be able to start putting things down. Maybe not. All I know is right now I'm not capable of doing it and that's ok. I can still come here and purge these rambling thoughts about all of this, it helps me feel less mad.

[Master of my sea]

I read so many threads on here and have found so much useful information, from resources that are posted, to others experiences. Yet I find myself on posts that I relate to, that are older posts and I feel like I shouldn't comment. Like I'm too late to the party so to speak.
My ICr kicks into gear, telling me that no one cares what I have to say, my input will be irrelevant, no one is going to be interested in a new comment on something posted 2 years ago. Little sod can get real nasty! So, I don't comment on those posts. I just read and leave and that shuts the voice up, but I feel so lousy afterwards. Like I just want to disappear.

So many times in my life I have given my input to have it ignored or laughed at. Or I just get spoken over, to the point that I now end up talking over people myself. It all comes from a need to get it out quickly so at least I have had my say. So when I see these old posts, I can't bring myself to type anything out of fear of that judgement or someone saying that they aren't interested in what I have to say.
There have been many times where I know my input has been valued and sought after but there have been SO many times where the opposite is the case. So many factors would come into play. I was often the youngest in the room/conversation and would be regularly made to feel that because of that, I couldn't possibly have anything of value to add. What would I know?

I'd like to be able to get past this as I don't believe for one second that anyone on this forum would say any of those things or even think them. But it's hard to get past that wall.
So many people in my life see me as this bold, loud, confident person but the reality is so different. What most see is a suit of armour, they don't see the shy, introverted, unsure girl. The girl who is always second guessing herself. I do it every time I post. I come away thinking, 'I shouldn't have said that', 'that doesn't make any sense, why would you post it?' The one that gets me the most is that I shouldn't be here, like I'm an imposter. Oh, how nice it would be to finally have some faith and true belief in myself!
I also worry about posting too much and my posts being too long. I worry and panic over everything it seems. It's quite exhausting. I am really trying to keep reminding myself that years of damage is going to take years to undo, and I am only just starting to actually acknowledge and face all of the things I have been through. These fears are there for a reason.

Would it be odd to jump onto an old post and add something? Am I just overthinking and letting my ICr win? Probably.

[Blueberry]

I read so many threads on here and have found so much useful information, from resources that are posted, to others experiences. Yet I find myself on posts that I relate to, that are older posts and I feel like I shouldn't comment. Like I'm too late to the party so to speak.
My ICr kicks into gear, telling me that no one cares what I have to say, my input will be irrelevant, no one is going to be interested in a new comment on something posted 2 years ago. Little sod can get real nasty! So, I don't comment on those posts. I just read and leave and that shuts the voice up, but I feel so lousy afterwards. Like I just want to disappear.

Would it be odd to jump onto an old post and add something? Am I just overthinking and letting my ICr win? Probably.

Hi Master of my sea,
Your ICr sounds pretty similar to mine, at least in this instance. Some wise person on this forum suggested my ICr should just pipe down! If I may, I'd suggest the same to your ICr rn.

As for old posts - go ahead and comment!! There's tons of good information in old posts or good discussions and realisations. If a post helps you, it's probably going to help somebody else to read it, so comment away! I used to moderate on here and it was never a problem when people bumped old posts. I found lots of nuggets in old posts in my early days on the forum. So go for it! Maybe ICr would like to go into hibernation It is Nov. after all and getting colder.

[Blueberry]

Re: long posts - on your own Journal it's not a problem. On other threads the Guidelines suggest max 2-3 paragraphs, though some of us like me just tend to write long reams because eg. ICr says nobody's going to understand me if I don't write every little detail down.

The disadvantage of long posts is that some of them don't get read. Too much text can be difficult for some mbrs on the forum - just too much and so you might not get so many responses. That varies a bit depending who's on the forum. Also it's one thing to just read long texts as a general mbr, it's a lot more strenuous when you're reading long texts as a moderator, though again that's not such a big deal on your own Journal. 

Also sometimes when mbrs are new (you're pretty new on here, right?), they have a lot to write, a lot to get out of their system and that's OK. And some of us are just long-winded

Hope this helps.