Sharp slaps

[jamesG.1]

So, here I am. I've sorted 99% of the practicalities that needed fixing after my life exploded and yet I'm STILL fighting this thing.

Now it's all about relationships. I am just not coping with being in a relationship at all well. I just feel overwhelmed, constantly challenged and called-out, unable to think clearly if there's anyone within 20 feet of me.

I just can't separate my traumatic reactions from what I need to defend myself from genuinely. I swing from one to the other, trying frantically to keep a lid on my emotions, mangling my responses and either over or under-reacting to every nuanced up and down of domestic life.I just don't know.

A huge issue is my creative life. It was always such a safety valve, but I've actually done really well with it and given time I could easily scale up my successes. Instead I'm trapped in a small house overwhelmed by small talk and bickering teens. If I'm not there, I'm stuck on the hamster wheel at work. Headphones on, backpeddling through the day while my mind is tearing at the leash.

In theory... THEORY... it's due to change. In Jan I go part-time, I'm finally solvent, and beyond that I'm set to clear work altogether in a few years. I could do it earlier, my partner wants me to, but I'm wracked with doubts. I can't be creative around them all. I need proper peace and quiet to work, and I can't really talk about the C-PTSD anymore. I can't share about my ex, I can't share about how much I loved her before my family pushed her away from me and she drank herself to death. I can't talk about my sense of betrayal, shame and bewilderment. I need to be in the now.

The thing is, that even if you do square away the story, and you do separate yourself from the blame game and set out for your future, C-PTSD isn't just about that, it's about physical damage just as much if not more than the purely psychological. My physiology is just not OK. I get episodes where I'm all over the place. I get fantastically tired, my focus collapses and I have to drag myself through the day, then stay controlled in the evenings. There's just no end to it. I'm desperate to get back to my old life in some small measure. I can't have the life before it all went so wrong, but surely I can at least get back my creativity.

But there have been patches where it HAS gone. I've felt completely clear of it for months at a go, and then wham, it's back again. But I know it can go if the conditions are right. The problem is that the 2020s are all about the conditions not being right. There's just no plateau phase to anything.  Everything just ends up with me stuck in place, doing nothing but tread an increasingly muddy water.

Right now my mind is screaming to be alone, but I know that it would probably be fatal. I just want some clear roads for a while. I feel like I'm back to hiding my feelings, losing control of my own time and life and being overwhelmed by the needs and demands of others. I'm feeling I got into a relationship when I wasn't thinking properly, and I didn't get the time I needed to find myself before it was tsunami'd back into old patterns of people pleasing and self-neglect.

I'm exhausted.

[Armee]

Your writing is amazing James. I can see why you want more time for creativity. I also felt completely trapped by having people around me so much during the pandemic because I really need my space too. I really relate to how internally explosive that can feel. Even though I love my little family more than anything in the entire world.  The consequences to not getting enough space and time can be pretty dire so I hope you can find some solution.

Good luck with your teenagers.

And James, I'm so sorry about your exwife. That sounds like a very painful loss with lots of complicated grief. It's not your fault, though. When I insist on taking responsibility for things that are also not really my fault I'm usually trying to keep my emotions limited to shame instead of feeling the anger and sadness and hurt under it all. You do deserve to grieve this loss. It's a big one.

[Papa Coco]

James,

Your writing tugs at me because I can relate to it fully. Private time isn't a luxury for me. It's a necessity. You are absolutely right: This is TRAUMA! This doesn't make sense to people who don't understand trauma. But this insatiable need to be alone to be comfortable makes perfect sense to those of us who live with C-PTSD. For some of us private time is not an option. For me, it's as necessary as oxygen and water. My trauma makes me into a person who doesn't want to be alone, so I enter into relationships. But then the trauma kicks in and I want to be alone again. For me, it's the proverbial angel of my social nature on one shoulder fighting with the devil of the trauma of feeling unsafe around people on the other shoulder, fighting for control of my battered brain. I was born to be with people but raised to feel safer alone. It's a constant tug of war in my heart and head.

I've been investigating the roots of my own need for isolation for many years, and this is what I've come up with:

As a child, I was mercilessly laughed at and criticized by the people who I believed loved me (my family and church) for being creative. My narcissistic family would laugh and insult me if my creations failed, but then, out of jealousy, they'd laugh and insult me if my creations were good. For those of us raised in NPD homes, we were in a lose/lose scenario. Scorned out of meanness for failing and scorned out of jealousy for succeeding. Creativity made me vulnerable to criticism. I needed to keep my artwork and writing hidden somehow (if I even could) so I could enjoy it without my "loving family" turning it into an offense.

My little sister and I had a small, tabletop, toy organ. It was small but it was the only musical instrument allowed in the house. I don't even know why it was purchased in the first place. My guess is it was bought for another sibling and I somehow found it and thought I could play it too. But if I tried to play it, I would be told to not make noise. If I ever DID make noise with it, my NPD elder siblings would laugh at me and tell me "you must have a reason you're making that awful noise. You are mad at someone, aren't you?" JUST FOR BEING ME, and wanting to play an instrument, my NPD elders would take whatever I did and assign their own meaning to it, and then punish me for their fictitious meaning. (This is a core behavior for NPDs). I was playing a song because I liked playing songs and wanted to learn how to play an instrument. But the monsters who had me in their cage told me I was playing a song because I was mad at them, and now they're laughing at me for being such a little jerk. Gaslighting: The gift that never stops giving.

So now, even today, I can't write, or draw, or paint, or play an instrument if anyone, ANYWHERE knows I'm doing it. This is TRAUMA, cut and dried. My new family loves everything I create, but no part of me can let go of my need to be completely isolated if I want to be creative at all.

[Armee]

So now, even today, I can't write, or draw, or paint, or play an instrument if anyone, ANYWHERE knows I'm doing it. This is TRAUMA, cut and dried. My new family loves everything I create, but no part of me can let go of my need to be completely isolated if I want to be creative at all.

Papa C I don't want to hijack JamesG' thread but just want to say 1. I had the same experiences with musicians 2. Thank you for writing this. It makes me feel much less alone and freak-like. I play music all the time but no one can hear me including teachers I've tried lessons so many times but dissociate immediately.

[Kizzie]

James, can you find an affordable space that is yours alone where you can work and be your creative self?  You said you were going part-time in Jan. Maybe having the goal of getting a space to call your own for then would  help with how you're feeling? A you project to work on and look forward to?

[jamesG.1]

so...

I think I have to accept some realities here because I'm driving myself into a wall.

Reality 1.
I have a partner who really loves me and has put up with a huge amount from me as I've recovered. Her kids love and respect me and her friends and family like and respect me. These things are what I wanted. Also what I needed.

Reality 2.
The past is distorting the present. It's making me fight myself and ultimatly my relationship because I am fighting too hard to compensate for events that were extreme and just plain wrong but which are no longer present.

Reality 3.
I have a good job which I can do even when I'm struggling. It pays well, it is a very nice environment with very nice people. I'm going down to 4 days a week no problem.

Reality 4.
I'm 59... nearly 60. I am tired. I can't summon energy I don't have to do all the things I want to do. Add an anti deppressant that makes me even more tired and I'm flattened. There's no getting round this. I'm tired and it's only going to get worse. I have to accept this and roll with it or I'll burn out... again. What I'm doing is recovering health and energy, then isntantly burning it off again and crashing out, then becoming deeply depressed because I can't keep it going. It's like having a flat phone and charging it to go out, but wanting to get going knowing that if you pull the cord it will die on you. I'm not letting it charge. My partner is not pushing me, my ex partner and my other antagonists are. That is unacceptable.

Reality 5.
Being multi skilled is a curse. I can do far too many things up to a level where I can sell them and make cash via online platforms. Does that mean I should? The answer is no... and this is a tough one for me. I feel I'm having to prove myself, make up for loss time, earn over the odds to put things right. But things are right. How much more right do they have to be? I have to scale back and accept this.

Reality 6.
What happened to me was wrong. It was extreme. I can't change that, I can't make people see it and I can't get justice. Closure can't happen unless it is internal. I have to let it go. There is never going to be a fair solution to my trauma, so I have to make my own. The judgement of others is a reality, but so is my right... MY RIGHT... to stop caring about this. I am not on trial. I was never on trial.

There are more... I'll ponder.

[jamesG.1]

Reality 7.
C-PTSD and relationships is a minefield. But it's not just my mindfield. I know that many of us here know these same effects only too well and it's vital to understand that these effects are just that... effects. Lockdown and it's ambiguous aftermath placed our symptoms on a colllision course with a sea of triggers and these have yet to approach pre-pandemic equilibriums. But the symptoms are harsh and very destructive. I can find myself hating on my partner simply because I just can't get the space to recover. It's very unfair on her. I keep it under control but it's exhausting. It manifests as a desire to change her, to somehow remove all the miniscule niggles to give me peace. It's not reasonable and I know it, but can I switch it off? No. Something deep inside me needs to switch off, to surrender. That's not to say she is without fault, but we all have built in annoyances ready to drive people nuts. I am riddled with them after all. There's just no time to rest. I am being asked for the kind of attention I can't or dont give myself.
It's amplified by the fact that my late partner, before the drink and family transformed her, was the love of my life... totally. We were matched and happy, the only time I've ever been truly happy. It's a cruel bar to be set. These days my flashbacks are all of good things and somehow, that's worse. I have to learn to see things in the now, unemcumbered by comparrisons or the fear of repeating disasters.

I just want to shape my life a little better but I feel penned in, overwhelmed, all my coping mechanisms stuffed full of trivia.

Reality 8.
Medication comes at a price. After some initial sucess at contolling some sharp deppressions, my new meds have become a hindrance. But maybe that's down to me. I'm struggling against them, trying to be this creative powerhouse and burning myself out. It's a dilemna. If I fight this without meds I could be suffering uneccessarily, with them I could be numbing myself to a standstill. It's a choice. I'm lowering the dose. Let's see.

Reality 9.
I was a normal guy, faced with abnormal stress for a prolongued period and it did damage. It's an injury and like most injuries, it heals at the speed it heals. I can't timetable this no matter how much I want to.

Reality 10.
I do alright considering. It's something you, know, to have this thing, this C-PTSD, and to still be here. It's a ghastly condition, overwhelming, but I didn't bow out, I didn't fold and I didnt fade away. I'm still here. But holding out, surviving... it has a price. You configure your whole self to it at the expense of simple life things. I always think of the poor sailors in WW2 who were picked up from hours or even days in the sea, unable to stop treading water even when they'd been given rum and placed in a warm dry bunk. That's us, locked in our cabins, still swimming in a sea we've pulled ourselves out of. But it's still a major achievement whether anyone feels inclined to recognise it or not. C-PTSD is crippling. It warps your judgement, obliterates sentimentality, love, trust, calm... it sets you up to dissapear in that vast ocean, alone. But we didn't go quietly into the night. We are still here. There may be strengths that come with it, insights and power. Nature is like that, there is always a ruby somewhere amongst the wreckage. We just have to retrieve our lessons and learn when and where to let go. But there IS time for something approaching pride, just for still being here.

Reality 11.
Loosing people... yeah... a hard, hard pill to swallow. The simple truth is that whether I like it or not, what I went through made me hard to be around. Fair weather friends went first, followed by the people who liked to think other people's tragedies made them appear stronger. Finally there was those who took sides they didn't understand, trying to sum up my personal disaster along gender or other lines. Sadly, I think the conditions helped all that to happen. The ground had been long prepared. We were cut off, hidden from view, narratives warped by alcohol and stress. It wasn't an objective catasrophe. I wore my heart on my sleeve but that meant I looked like I was trying too hard, damning myself as I made my case. Whatever... I lost people. I lost nearly everyone. I left the area, I had to start again, but yeah... it was a social disaster. I can't fix that now. Or can I? I dunno, I am leaving some doors ajar. Not every bridge is burnt out. But I can't and won't unsuccessfully solicit help again. It was a heartbreaking and pointless process before, I can't do it again. I musn't try and explain, balance or justify, it drives people away and it reinforces the negatives that have been spread. I needed people, they didn't deliver. End of. I have to put that one in a box.

Reality 12.
It's now or never. It really is tho. This has all gone on far too long. It's time to smash through these roadblocks and make a life with what I have. Ben Folds... always good for these things.

I know that you're in there
I can see you
You're saying you're ok
I don't believe you
And now that the gig is off
The spell is broken
The fat lady sung
The president has spoken
These days that you were waiting for
Will come and go
Like any day
Just another day
There's never gonna be a moment of truth for you
While the world is watching
All you need is the thing you forgotten
And that's to learn to live with what you are
So freak out if you wanna
And I'll still be here
Don't call me for years and when you do
Yeah, I'll still be here
I'm not saying the effort is a waste of time - but I
Just love you for the things you couldn't change
Though you've tried
These hours of confusion they will soon expire
Like everything
Does
Sometimes
Everything you've ever wanted
Floats above
He's sticking out his tongue and laughing
While everything
Anyone can ever need
Is down below
Waiting for you
To know this
There's never gonna be a moment of truth for you
While the world is watching
All you need is the thing you've forgotten
And that's to learn to live with what you are
You got to learn to live with what you
You got to learn to live with what you
Are

He's not wrong

[Kizzie]

What happened to me was wrong. It was extreme. I can't change that, I can't make people see it and I can't get justice. Closure can't happen unless it is internal. I have to let it go. There is never going to be a fair solution to my trauma, so I have to make my own.

The hardest truth of all IMO. 

[paul72]

Reality 10.
I do alright considering. It's something you, know, to have this thing, this C-PTSD, and to still be here. It's a ghastly condition, overwhelming, but I didn't bow out, I didn't fold and I didnt fade away. I'm still here. But holding out, surviving... it has a price. You configure your whole self to it at the expense of simple life things. I always think of the poor sailors in WW2 who were picked up from hours or even days in the sea, unable to stop treading water even when they'd been given rum and placed in a warm dry bunk. That's us, locked in our cabins, still swimming in a sea we've pulled ourselves out of. But it's still a major achievement whether anyone feels inclined to recognise it or not. C-PTSD is crippling. It warps your judgement, obliterates sentimentality, love, trust, calm... it sets you up to dissapear in that vast ocean, alone. But we didn't go quietly into the night. We are still here. There may be strengths that come with it, insights and power. Nature is like that, there is always a ruby somewhere amongst the wreckage. We just have to retrieve our lessons and learn when and where to let go. But there IS time for something approaching pride, just for still being here.

Hi James,
I appreciated all of your points... very much so! but this one is my favourite.
Thanks for sharing your writing!

[Papa Coco]

James,

From your note: 
Reality 5.
Being multi skilled is a curse. I can do far too many things up to a level where I can sell them and make cash via online platforms. Does that mean I should? The answer is no... and this is a tough one for me. I feel I'm having to prove myself, make up for loss time, earn over the odds to put things right. But things are right. How much more right do they have to be? I have to scale back and accept this.

I resonate with every one of your realities. But Number five hit me the hardest because I know that same feeling. I can do many things. So I feel obligated to do them.

Feeling like I'm obligated to do everything feeds my hypervigilance. It feeds my incessant need to fawn and help others with my skills. There's a balance that I'm not maintaining. Doing good deeds for others is just being a good person with a healthy sense of kindness. But I carry it too far. I feel like I'm required to help. I was raised by a selfish family to be a servant, (I call myself Cinder-fella) so today I feel and anxiety-ridden sense of duty to do everything for everyone. I never say no. Oh, and I'm also terrified of being judged as bad any time I couldn't help someone if I have the tools and the skills to do so.  My NPD family punished me if I didn't help properly. But being NPD, they were also extremely jealous by nature. So if I did something amazing, they intentionally found a way to insult me for it. I was punished for failing and punished for succeeding. I was punished for not helping others and punished for helping others.  It was a lose/lose lifestyle and I'm still living in the memories of being put between two bad choices every time someone asks me for help.

The really sad unintended consequences of my inability to say no is that as a C-PTSD survivor I also have a tendency to avoid uncomfortable situations. So...now I often choose to not have friends because I know (My trauma THINKS it knows) that friends will "make me" do stuff for them. So I choose to have very few friends.

And THANK YOU for posting this list, because responding to you is helping me to realize that I resent my friends because I didn't have the guts to say no. And now I isolate myself because I'm avoiding being someone else's servant. This is an epiphany for me!  It explains why I am such a social person who is also reclusive. I love having fun with friends, but now I know why I don't go do things with friends anymore. I'm afraid they'll need something, and I'll feel obligated to give it to them. 

(See how we all help each other? Just by sharing your struggles, you helped me see one of my own quirks more clearly).


Reality 5 also feeds my poor sense of self, saying that, no matter how amazing I was yesterday, today I'm scum again, and I have to prove I'm worthy of my place in this world all over again. Speaking only for myself, my need to be multi-skilled is my need to prove I'm worthy of my place in this world every single day. Every morning I start out at the bottom again. Every day I have to climb harder than everyone else just so I can sleep tonight without feeling remorse for being so unlovable.

[Armee]

Yeah these are real. Thanks for writing and sharing them. In particular I relate with how goodness it have to get? Present is perfect. And then there's cPTSD

[jamesG.1]

Touched that I've hit some chords for peeps here. It means a lot that someone gets it, doesn't it?

It's very healthy to mind dump like this, I used to do it more in here, but then I got stupid busy and the time just vanished. Will do more, it's an important valve.

[Kizzie]

An important valve for you and an important read for us so tks.